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I'm feeling especially sarcastic and bored this week so I decided to make a little game for myself. Anyone can post a dog training or behavior question here and every Thursday I will give you a fun humor filled but terribly misinformed answer to the question that you will probably see given as real advice at some point somewhere in the future. I might even use paragraphs.;)

Someone at some point will probably think this is real advice so disclaimer ahead of time...dont try this ever
 

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LOL! How fun! C:

Ok let me see/start...but do I really have to wait till Thursday for the answer?!?

Zeeva is scared of fireworks. How do I desensitize her to them?
 

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Haha, this thread should be fun. Hmm, my puppy doesn't respond to me at the dog park when he's playing with other dogs. How do I get him to pay more attention to me while he's playing?
 

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He looks great but acts like a pansy most of the time, how can i change that lol.

Ha! That seriously sounds like my dog! Lucky for him I love wussity animals.
 

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Oh, man I need to laugh about this after all the well meaning advice. My dog used to leave bruises when she mouthed me. She's been getting better, but still occasionally nips when she doesnt want to be touched or pulled away
from doing something. How do I extinguish the behavior? You can make fun of me for singing to her if you want in your answer lol.
 

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My puppy is constantly humping his blanket, the air, his toys, people's legs. He seems to do it when he is excited. How can I get him to stop?

Also, my other dog always seems to be scooting on the carpet. I hear it might have something to do with anal glands. Any advise on how to get him to stop scooting?

LOL you have a lot of "scenarios" provided.
 

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My puppy is constantly humping his blanket, the air, his toys, people's legs. He seems to do it when he is excited. How can I get him to stop?

Also, my other dog always seems to be scooting on the carpet. I hear it might have something to do with anal glands. Any advise on how to get him to stop scooting?

LOL you have a lot of "scenarios" provided.
Haha! Good one!

You are going to regret this on Thursday when you have to reply to every single post ;)

Have fun! Yay!
 

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Haha! Good one!

You are going to regret this on Thursday when you have to reply to every single post ;)

Have fun! Yay!
Haha I figued the questions don't have to be serious. Though I think Dinozzo will fit question one soon enough. I was just petting him at lunch time and he started doing that. I was like "DINOZZO!! (insert lots of laughter)".

I really don't have a second dog but would love to see his response to a question like that haha.
 

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I once saw a K9 GSD take down a full grown man that was fleeing from the police. How do I get my pet GSD to take me down when I run away from her???
 

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My dog is only affectionate after he helps himself to a frozen turd in the yard...then all of a sudden he loves me and wants to kiss me..why is that? only after a turd....is he just a Ahole?
 

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I started today teaching my 11 week old puppy Bella how to play the piano, although she does pretty good with the keys with her front paws she's having a little bit of difficulty navigating the harmonica. Please explain a way to help the situation, thank you. In case you're wondering she's playing a 1957 black lacquer Steinway baby grand piano and a Honer harmonica.
 

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My dog licks herself in her "private area" and then starts to try to hump her own face .. seriously LOL. How do I get her to do this more often so I can catch it on camera??
 

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At what age can I expect my dog to start talking to me? She barks alot and I have been reading to her quite often, but with little progress on English speaking. She is 16 months old. Am I expecting too much from her?
 

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My boy is over 4 years old. He is very trustworthy in the house. He never chews up anything, gets in the trash, potties in the house etc. He is really rock solid.

My only problem with him is he keeps drinking my husband's beer. I wouldn't mind so much as I don't drink beer, but he leaves the fridge open. I've tried to teach him to shut the fridge, but he says he hates to drink in the dark. I could leave the kitchen light on, but it bothers my dog who sleeps in a crate (I can't trust him at all!). I can't lock the fridge, because my Mini Doxie likes to drink warm milk at night. I certainly don't want her to wake me up every time she wants milk.

I haven't told hubby that it's the dog drinking his beer. He's been blaming me. If he finds out the dog has been drinking his beer, hubby will throw a fit. I'll have to keep him outside. Hubby just hates to sleep outside.

I'm all out of ideas.
 
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