So for anyone who is interested I wanted to give an update. I ultimately decided to take him back to the rescue. It was a very hard day, with many many tears and I still feel guilty. But when I realized that I did not feel capable of keeping this dog safe, let alone having the right attitude and calm required to help him overcome his fears, I knew I had my answer. If I was out more rural perhaps I would not have had the same worry about keeping him more physically safe, but I live very central to all the hubbub.
This has been an incredibly humbling experience and has shown me that you may think you know what you want or can take on but sometimes what is in my mind and what is reality is a bit of a different picture. Did I take the easy way out? Yes I did. Do I regret it? I don't think I do but I do worry about him a lot. I have stayed in contact with the rescue group, gave my adoption fee as a donation and offered to cover his food or whatever they need. He is doing alright and I pray the right home comes along for him. Perhaps if I was not single and had someone closer to lean on it could have been different. Maybe if I did not work full time I could have found the strength. And sadly, maybe I will always be just a bit too anxious of a person.
In other areas, although I do feel a bit guilty, I eventually slowly started looking in again for another dog. The rescue lady saw my state when I returned him, they were so so lovely, what wonderful people, and she said I need a giant ball of loving, kisses of a dog. I think she was right. I have some deep personal scars I thought I had gotten over, but obviously they are still there. Animals sure make you honest. I just need some love right now really. Anyway, I have actually adopted another dog. I wanted to wait a bit longer but it caught me a bit by surprise when a dog showed up. He is a German Shepherd and time will tell if I completely messed up again. I was not lying about my dog experience, my rottweiler Shepherd cross was a total maniac! I was honestly looking for some shepherd or retriever mutt mix but this guy came along and he has been an absolute joy to me and my whole family. So far so good and I am sure you will see my other posts on here as I navigate this crazy puppy!
For anyone still reading, he is also a rescue, I believe an owner surrender, probably too much of a handful. He is 4 or 5 months old, has crazy puppy energy with zero boundaries or manners, but is all kisses and snuggles with a very sweet soul. He just needs some rules and consistency but the love is all there. What a joy. Instead of being too scared to take my dog outside, I open the back door and he bounds out so we can play a game of fetch, grabbing anything even remotely interesting (pine cone, my underwear from upstairs I didn't see him steal, a piece of my gutter! seriously!) in his mouth while on his way to fetch the ball. Instead of a dog too scared to come out of his crate I spend my days trying to teach the "wait" command to reduce the intensity of the crate-launch dog explosion. When I see how much my family already loves him, how my parents call him grand-puppy, how my 22 year old brother is pretty much ready to adopt him from me!, how when I turn around and he has his back against mine, paws in the air roaching I feel I made the right choice, that right now I am not strong enough for rejection, I need something a little different. I still feel like a failure, because every rescue deserves this kind of life, no matter how bad their situation, but am still glad I took an honest look at myself and what I could handle. I smile everyday now, even though his energy is driving me insane! I really wanted a 2-3 year old for good reason, but after what I did I guess I need to suffer :/
Thanks guys for all your help, what a fantastic forum and everything is much appreciated. Who knows, maybe someday in the future with a different set of circumstances I may be in a better place to help a dog that really needs it. I kept the name Haku for my new pup (I do feel a bit ashamed) but no one ever used it before, instead using the rescue name Scotty, often including myself for some weird reason. Here are some pics of my new pup and am glad at least I could still adopt a rescue.