A little over a month ago, my new puppy, Bear, was struck by a car, which killed him. He was just over 3 months old. I posted a description of that event in detail on another posting in this area - it is called "Hit by a car".
I've lost pets before, growing up, but it was always due to old age, and to be honest, their deaths never really bothered me. I cared for them, I believe, but it was only natural, I suppose.
Bear's death was not like that. Happening at such a young age, and right in front of me, and in such a violent fashion has been and still is difficult.
He's the last thing I think about before I go to sleep, and the first thing I think about when I wake up. When I get in my car to go work, I think about how I took him for car rides, and when I see snow on the ground, I think about how much he enjoyed snow the one time he got to see it.
I think of him walking down a street corner that reminds me of our visit to Boulder. Even small things like my slippers he liked to chase, or a couple bare spots on the carpet that he chewed up. The other day, I was just walking to the restroom, and the memory of the moment of impact surfaced, unbidden, for no particular reason.
I think what got me thinking about all of this was facebook - I was glancing at my profile, and my first picture of him popped up randomly, and FB asked when I took it. That picture is attached.
There's a thousand small things that remind me of him, no matter where I go, or what I'm doing. He's never far from my thoughts, throughout the entire day, every day since his death.
While this isn't necessarily a bad thing, because I want to remember him, I have to wonder if this is standard. I've never lost anyone or anything I cared for so much before, so this sort of thing is new to me.
I love him. And I miss him. And the last thing I want to do is forget about him. But each time I think about him it's almost like re-living his death all over again, like opening a wound that just won't heal.
How can I remember him, but be distanced from the pain of his death? It is difficult to separate the two.