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momto3k9s 05-19-2010 11:22 PM

Having a bad do you let go?
I didn't know where to post this - I'm crying so much I can hardly see the screen. I thought I was moving on. I thought I was getting better. Only breaking down 3 or 4 times a day instead of 15-20. I sit here and re-read my posts on when I posted about getting ready to say goodbye to Zeus - after we put him down - the pictures I posted. .... I'm sitting here with a huge picture frame of his pictures next to me. Looking at all the pictures of him with the kids - remembering he was with me for EVERY important moment in my life. My marriage, he welcomed every child I had into our home, he was with us every time we moved into a new house, he was my protector when my husband was away with the military and work, he was the one that made me laugh like the time I put him in the car - went to go around the other side to get in but Zeus locked himself in the car. So I called the cops to get him out and when the officer used his flashlight to try and get him out, Zeus kept going after the flashing and hitting the button to lock the car again ....I could go on and on. I look at all these pictures of him sleeping with the kids, sitting patiently with them while they ate - waiting for them to drop something. But he would NEVER take anything from them. I'm looking at the picture of when I took a picture of the 4 kids and at the last moment as I said - "say cheese" and I went to snap the picture, Zeus stuck his head infront of the camera and took up most of the picture. That's my boy! Oh God I miss him!

I can't seem to let go. It still seems unreal. It's been over 3 weeks. When will I move on??!! And why does it seem to be getting worse instead of better. .... I guess I'm just having an off night.

I'm sitting here sobbing and sobbing and when I was so upset Zeus would come to me - put his head in my lap and cry himself. He would actually cry until I stopped. I just can't seem to let go.

I guess I've been keeping myself so busy so I couldn't keep breaking down - I let myself slip up tonight and instead of doing laundry, dishes, cleaning after work - I just got the kids ready for bed and sat down and was just looking at my pictures of Zeus. It's so hard to say goodbye. I still hold his bag of ashes. Morbid to some - normal for me I guess. I guess I'm still in so much pain, I'm just having a bad night. He's not in pain anymore and that alone should make me feel more at peace - in a way it does - a big way because he out of anyone, did not deserve to suffer - I guess I'm just having a selfish night and I am thinking about myself too much and not the fact that he's not in pain anymore. I just miss him so much! :(:(:(:(

Baby Byron 05-19-2010 11:33 PM

Hey Linda,

First of all... big, big, big hugs from all of us to you.
Answering to your question (or pathetically trying to)...I don't know if one really lets go. Our heart just gets numb with time I guess. It's been 3 years since we lost Sidney and just today, on our way back home from our Wed night program at church, I was saying to my husband how much I still miss Sidney. My new shepherds are amazing and I love them dearly. I never, ever compare any of my current dogs to the ones we lost. It's not fair to anybody: the fallen hero, us or the new puppers. But even with 3 dogs running around, being awesome GSDs all the time... I still miss my Sidney. And I still feel that guilty pang of "what if?" for putting him down at 12 yo with his severe spondylosis that finally took away his hind body mobility and control.

It is hard to say goodbye but in the other hand you have an amazing history together, great memories and that legacy never goes. Don't be hard on yourself. It's a lifetime of love and it will take time to heal. It never really goes. The skin just gets tougher I suppose.

Again, super hugs from all of us, 2- and 4-legged alike. I'm sure Sidney and Zeus are having a ball together.

Samba 05-19-2010 11:44 PM

It is a very real and deep grief. I hear what you are saying. A year later, I cry less but I don't think it hurts less. I have given myself permission to feel it. What a profound bond and love...

now crying myself..

momto3k9s 05-20-2010 02:01 AM

Thank you!!! :hugs: I am so tired - exhausted - eyes swollen - burning ... yet I can't sleep. I have to get up in a few hours to go to work - I don't understand how I can be so tired and can't sleep. Grieving - ... it's such a hard thing to deal with. :(

bianca 05-20-2010 06:47 AM

Linda, please don't be so hard on yourself. You are NOT being selfish at all by feeling the pain. Yes you know that Zeus is not suffering now but you are still allowed to grieve and feel your pain. I am sitting here balling my eyes out after reading your post and it has been years since I lost my beloved dogs. I think you just have to do what works best for you...keep busy if you feel able but then also allow yourself times when you can cry. I am sending you a big virtual hug too. Take care.

patrons_haus 05-20-2010 09:47 AM

Having been in your shoes, I can understand how you feel, my heart goes out to you.

All I can say is that you never forget, but it gets easier everyday.
My 1st Weimeraner Gabriella died 6 years ago and I still cry when I think about her dying in my arms, but I know that I did the right thing to end her suffering.
You did the right thing, and it's ok to cry and grieve.

bellamia 05-20-2010 09:48 AM

i didn't even get thru ur whole post when i had to reply. first of all LOTS OF HUGS TO U!!!! secondly though i haven't gone thru it yet with my current one, i'll have u know i did go thru this with my first ever GSD when i was growing up. and that has hardly gone away and i am 40 + now! people don't understand, to most they are dogs! which they are but they have no clue about how they have filled gaps in life, sometimes dare i say better than friends, children parents etc. so no use explaining to them. pain will go i promise in time(maye be a lot of time maybe not that much) and memories will be ur treasure, ur secret. so enjoy ur treasure and secret because only a few of us are fortunate to have them.
love and take care

Lilie 05-20-2010 10:00 AM

Linda, you never let go, you just don't hold on as tight. Sometimes you just have to let them walk around in your mind for a little while, as you did last night. As time goes on you will remember them with less sorrow and rejoice in all of the good things that they brought into your life.

GSD MOM 05-20-2010 10:40 AM

Crying now myself...I feel so bad for you. I am so sorry. I hope nights like last night become fewer. But I know the pain will never stop. I think time is the only thing that helps. But time takes so long....

dianefbarfield 05-20-2010 11:08 AM

When I lost my niece I joined Compassionate Friends. They are for parents who have lost a child. I learned from them that there is NO CORRECT WAY to grieve. You do what feels right for you and helps you. When I lost my Summer (had to put her down and the vet wouldn't let me stay with her) I did not let myself grieve. I totally put it out of my life and went came out much later and it was not a good thing. Don't deny your feelings and don't let anyone else tell you how to feel. Only you know the bond you had with him. Perhaps this would be a good time to think about honoring him in some way. Did you have a ceremony? Would you like to start a group for grieving pet parents? You could help lots of people and honor your best friend. I will be thinking about you.

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