I'm shattered - German Shepherd Dog Forums
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post #1 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-21-2010, 11:43 PM Thread Starter
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I'm shattered

I know that I just registered here and no one knows who I am, but I searched online for support after losing my dog over the weekend and I need to let this all out. This is a German Shepherd forum, so I know you guys will know exactly how I'm feeling. I'm sorry if this is all over the place, I just found out that I lost her today and my mind is shooting all over the place.

I got Roxie when I was in the sixth grade. She wasn't my first choice. My neighbor's dog had a batch of puppies and there was the prettiest grey one in the group. It was the only grey one. The rest were solid colored, except this extremely mean puppy that had a white tip on her tail (I say this because we used to feed the puppies, and she would literally shove others out of the way to get to the food). I had begged my parents to let me adopt it, promising to take good care of it. They finally agreed. When we approached our neighbors about it, they informed us that someone had bought the one I wanted.

I was torn. I had wanted that dog so bad. We went to the pound a few days later to adopt a dog, only to discover that the people that had bought the dog dropped it off at the pound overnight. Unbelievable. We adopted him and I took him home. I named him Lucky, since he had been saved. A few days later, we noticed he hadn't been acting right so we took him to the vet. He had several diseases. The vet wanted to keep him overnight and give him medicine, but the diseases overcame him and he died overnight at the vet. I was pretty upset. The only dog left was the mean one with the white tail. Little did I know that the mean white dog would end up being my best friend.

I took good care of her. She had a huge backyard to play in, we had a decent sized pool that she LOVED to jump in and swim around in (but only when we were in the pool too, obviously). She even taught herself how to use the step ladder to get into and out of the pool. I thought this was impressive. It's easy for a dog to figure out how to go down stairs, but I was pretty amazed that she should climb up and out of the pool with minimal help from me.

She wasn't very fond of anyone that wasn't in the family. When I brought my girlfriend (now ex) over, she would bark at her and try to attack her (my dog was on the deck, she was looking in through the glass door). She slowly became more and more fond of her, mainly due to treat giving, until they were good friends.

I remember playing Basketball during the summer.. she would run and jump at the ball while I was dribbling it and then use her nose to push it all around the yard. I used to play extreme fetch with her, where I would toss a ball, and when she would run back to me with it, I would toss another one and she would run and get that one, keeping her constantly running.

My proudest moment with her, though, was teaching her how to high five. I literally trained her to jump in the air and tag my hand when I said "high five!". During the summer, I would get several freeze pops and hold them in front of her. She would pick one, run up to the deck, and wait for me to cut it open for her.

Sigh.

Late last year, around September, she slipped and fell on the floor. I chalked it up to the kitchen floor being freshly mopped. Little did I know that this would be the beginning of the end.

I moved out (yes, at 23. I had some financial issues that prevented me from moving out) shortly afterwards, but when I visited home (weekly), I would notice that she would be getting worse and worse. The vet said that she had a degenerative spinal disease, or something along those lines. We were told that as it progressed, Roxie would lose feeling in her back legs, then she would be unable to hold her bowels or bladder. He said at that point, it would be time to put her down. He predicted that it would be by Christmas.

Ha! He was wrong. I enjoyed Christmas 2009 with Roxie in good spirits, though she had limited use of her back legs. She got a bunch of toys as well as chew bones.. she used to carry one of her squeaky toys around like a little kid with a stuffed animal.

As predicted, she lost use of her back legs. She lost control of her bowels. She lost control of her bladder a few times. I could tell she was in pain. She would sometimes whimper. I knew it had to be done, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

For the past few months, every single time I went over there, I feared that it would be the last time I would see her. I sat in the floor with her and held her paw. When I sat down next to her, she would roll on her side and hold her paw up. I would hold it and tell her how much I loved her, and she would take her head and bury it into my knee and I would give her the biggest hug imaginable.

I work a pretty demanding retail job and don't have a lot of free time. It's been particularly bad lately, with local stores closing and employees working more than normal. It's been sunny and 70+ degrees. I finally had a day off (today), but when I awoke, it was 50-55 degrees and pouring rain. I didn't think anything of it. I went to a few places with my roommate, and right when I pulled into my parking lot, I recieved a call.

I don't know if I have a sixth sense or what, but I can tell when something huge is about to happen. My mom had told me on Friday that she was sick and I shouldn't visit this weekend (and she literally was sick, stomach bug going around work), so I hadn't went. She told me that it was done Friday (she didn't tell me on Friday or Saturday because I worked 9 hour shifts each day and she knew this would gut me). I immediately told her that I had to go and threw the phone in the back seat.

I stepped outside and the world seemed different. I stood in the pouring rain. I didn't care. I had just been told that I had lost my best friend.

As I sit typing this, I am still in disbelief. I asked that we save her collar, at the very least. I don't want to visit my parent's house in the near future for any reason.

The thing that kills me the most.. when I went over there last, for some reason, I didn't do the traditional thing. I was in a hurry and I didn't sit down with her. She watched me as I walked room to room. I did pet her, tell her she was a good girl and that I loved her, but I didn't sit down and give her a hug like I usually do. What were her final thoughts like? Did she think she did something wrong or that we were mad at her? Did she know that I loved her?

As I sit typing this, I can't stop the tears that stream down my face. I'm not a cryer by nature, I'm just not, but this situation has left me completely shattered. I feel emotionally numb, and I don't know what I'm going to do when I see one of her toys (I'm never going to hear her squeak it again..), when I see her bed.. oh god, I think there's still some doggie yogurt in the freezer.. how do you guys deal with this? This isn't the first dog that I've lost, but this is the first dog that I've had since she was born. She was 14. I wish I could get a picture of her on here.. I'll work on that. She was the most photogenic dog.. I swear, she smiled for pictures..

I'm sorry that this ran a little long.. I just have no one else that I can rant to that would understand how I'm feeling right now. I just feel so lost and hopeless. I lost my best friend.
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post #2 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-21-2010, 11:45 PM
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I am very sorry to hear this. Lucky loves you VERY VERY much.
And will be waiting for you.
She will always be with you.

Kilo- GSD
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post #3 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-21-2010, 11:52 PM
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i am so sorry for your loss. Your story was very touching. There will always be things that we wished we could go back and change, but I'm sure your girl knew you loved her. Dogs always seem to know those things.

-Kira

Fur Family:
Dakota "Koda" GSD 02/20/2008
Chloe Calico 9/21/2007

"The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too"
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post #4 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-21-2010, 11:53 PM
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I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure Lucky knew how much you loved her, and she can run free without pain now.

RIP Lucky.

My 2 dogs ~Zena, 12 years & ~Lola, 2 years
My cat ~Mr. Kitty, 5 years
~RIP Sasha GSD


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post #5 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-22-2010, 12:00 AM
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I'm crying just reading your post and, boy, do I understand. I lost my Golden 7 years ago and I still cry about it. I am racked by feelings of guilt. Did I appreciate her enough? Did she know I loved her? I feel like I took her for granted because I just assumed she'd always be there. I didn't take her to dog parks like I do with my current dogs. I didn't do a lot of things with her that my current dogs get to do. It's probably why the dogs I had after her are allowed on my couch and bed. Guilt does those things to you. She died in arms and I cried like a baby. I don't remember ever crying that hard in my life. I cry just thinking about it.

I just know I'm a better dog mommy because of her.

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss but I know that doesn't make it better. She was very lucky to have you and I know she loved you.
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post #6 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-22-2010, 12:06 AM
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I cried too. And time heals and know one likes to hear that...but your love of your dog...will remain in your in heart. Also you will stop crying and thinking of all of the fun you had with lucky ...I promise just belive... we are blessed to have them I our lives. Even for a short time...

Basil Dec. 4, 2009 GSD

I am blessed to have family, friend, and the dogs and cats
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post #7 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-22-2010, 01:48 AM
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Oh man, I'm crying too. Seriously. This stuff gets me as well. She knows you loved her, no doubt about it. I wish I could say more...
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post #8 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-22-2010, 02:24 AM
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OMG i am soo sorry.I tried to keep from crying.Roxie knows you loved you very much.She will be wating for you, no matter how long it takes.I know exactly what you're going through. I lost my dogs Max & Simba, they were brother & sister, lost them both the same year.I had them all my life, I was 15 they were 14.They were my best friends.After they passed on, I thought I couldn't move on. or have another dog.Molly was born exactly 6 days Simba passed away, and Tanner acts the same way as Max, and Molly acts alot like Simba.I think my dogs knew how much I loved them so they left a little piece of them here on earth,for me to remember them.She knows you miss her and she misses you.Everynight before you go to bed look up at Sirius, the dog star, my dad said thats where doggie heaven is. I was 14.lol.She is there looking down on you.

Hopefully you will feel better.Maybe she left a little piece of her on Earth.=)

Jessica

Molly-GSD DOB: 2/19/07
Rainbow Bridge:
Tanner-GSD
Max & Simba- Sheltie Mixes
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post #9 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-22-2010, 04:51 AM Thread Starter
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I'm sorry, I should've been a little clearer.. Lucky was the one that died so many years ago.. the only souvenir I have of him was a little tag that I had engraved at PetsMart with my allowance.. he only got to wear it for a day or two..

Roxie is the one that I'm mourning, she was 14.

I really appreciate the kind words, I really, really do.. it does help to know that I'm definitely not alone. I feel like calling out of work because I've cried so much today that I've literally made myself sick, but I think the work will take my mind off of the situation, if only for a little bit.

I know what you mean, IllinoisNative. At this point, I'm going through my mind and thinking about all of the times I was mean to her or scolded her if she had done something wrong and it's killing me.

One thing that I will never, ever forget.. I would sit a ball on the ground and go "I'm gonna kick it!" and she would get into a stance because she knew she would have to run. Well, once, she decided to be impatient and make a dash for the ball right when my leg was coming down to kick it and I ended up kicking her full force in the jaw. She didn't yelp, she didn't even act stunned at all, but I literally hugged her for a good three minutes at least to make sure she was okay. She was built like a truck.. a car hit her in her younger years when she got out of the gate once and broke her leg.. she had it in a cast. She kept trying to play but could only hobble around the yard. For the rest of her life, any time she would take a drink of water (we had a huge bucket outside that we filled with fresh water), she would submerge her whole left leg into the water. I don't know if it just felt good or if her leg was in pain and that helped it or what, but if it was ever in pain, she never showed it.

But Roxie and Lucky were indeed brother and sister.

My ex was pretty upset when I told her about it. She had nicknamed Roxie "Princess" and got her a shiny collar that said "Princess" on it, which she wore for years, even after she and I broke up. I still have it.

I was doing okay tonight, but my roommate and I were driving to the store and we had to pass the vet where it was done.. I lost it again.

It doesn't seem fair. I don't recall Roxie ever being sick with anything her entire life. She was always healthy, ALWAYS. We NEVER had a problem with her.. and this stupid disease comes along and shatters my world. I don't understand how it's plagued so many dogs and caused so many people and animals pain, yet there's no treatment.

I don't think that I can get another dog after Roxie. It would feel like I'm cheating on her memory or something. I can't imagine how I'm going to be once I go home, open the kitchen door and she's not there waiting for me.

Anyways, thanks for the support guys, I do appreciate it. It's extremely rough and it helps to talk to people that have been through this before. Like I said, I've been close with animals that have passed on, and I do miss them all dearly, but there was something about Roxie. I don't know if it's German Shepherds or what, but she read me like a book. If I was ever upset, she would run up to me and check on me, she was always there for me, and I'm not going to lie, I took it for granted. I always thought that she'd be there for me. I never thought that I would live to see the day that she would pass away because I knew that it would kill me emotionally and I was right.

I was going through my other computer tonight and I stumbled upon a few pictures that I have taken of her. I don't have any pictures of Lucky, like I said, I only had him for a week or so before he passed from a disease, but here's Roxie, the one that was laid to rest on March 19th. I have a lot less pictures of her on here than I thought I did. If you look closely at the one of her laying on the floor, you can see the white tip on her tail that I was talking about.. also, there's one of her posing with her little teddy bear that she carried around.. You can also see her favoring her front left paw.. this is from where she was hit by the car. The leg fully healed but she always held her paw up like that afterwards.





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post #10 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-22-2010, 06:11 AM
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I am so sorry you lost your girl to this awful disease such a beautiful and dignified girl
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