I know that I just registered here and no one knows who I am, but I searched online for support after losing my dog over the weekend and I need to let this all out. This is a German Shepherd forum, so I know you guys will know exactly how I'm feeling. I'm sorry if this is all over the place, I just found out that I lost her today and my mind is shooting all over the place.
I got Roxie when I was in the sixth grade. She wasn't my first choice. My neighbor's dog had a batch of puppies and there was the prettiest grey one in the group. It was the only grey one. The rest were solid colored, except this extremely mean puppy that had a white tip on her tail (I say this because we used to feed the puppies, and she would literally shove others out of the way to get to the food). I had begged my parents to let me adopt it, promising to take good care of it. They finally agreed. When we approached our neighbors about it, they informed us that someone had bought the one I wanted.
I was torn. I had wanted that dog so bad. We went to the pound a few days later to adopt a dog, only to discover that the people that had bought the dog dropped it off at the pound overnight. Unbelievable. We adopted him and I took him home. I named him Lucky, since he had been saved. A few days later, we noticed he hadn't been acting right so we took him to the vet. He had several diseases. The vet wanted to keep him overnight and give him medicine, but the diseases overcame him and he died overnight at the vet. I was pretty upset. The only dog left was the mean one with the white tail. Little did I know that the mean white dog would end up being my best friend.
I took good care of her. She had a huge backyard to play in, we had a decent sized pool that she LOVED to jump in and swim around in (but only when we were in the pool too, obviously). She even taught herself how to use the step ladder to get into and out of the pool. I thought this was impressive. It's easy for a dog to figure out how to go down stairs, but I was pretty amazed that she should climb up and out of the pool with minimal help from me.
She wasn't very fond of anyone that wasn't in the family. When I brought my girlfriend (now ex) over, she would bark at her and try to attack her (my dog was on the deck, she was looking in through the glass door). She slowly became more and more fond of her, mainly due to treat giving, until they were good friends.
I remember playing Basketball during the summer.. she would run and jump at the ball while I was dribbling it and then use her nose to push it all around the yard. I used to play extreme fetch with her, where I would toss a ball, and when she would run back to me with it, I would toss another one and she would run and get that one, keeping her constantly running.
My proudest moment with her, though, was teaching her how to high five. I literally trained her to jump in the air and tag my hand when I said "high five!".
During the summer, I would get several freeze pops and hold them in front of her. She would pick one, run up to the deck, and wait for me to cut it open for her.
Late last year, around September, she slipped and fell on the floor. I chalked it up to the kitchen floor being freshly mopped. Little did I know that this would be the beginning of the end.
I moved out (yes, at 23. I had some financial issues that prevented me from moving out) shortly afterwards, but when I visited home (weekly), I would notice that she would be getting worse and worse. The vet said that she had a degenerative spinal disease, or something along those lines. We were told that as it progressed, Roxie would lose feeling in her back legs, then she would be unable to hold her bowels or bladder. He said at that point, it would be time to put her down. He predicted that it would be by Christmas.
Ha! He was wrong. I enjoyed Christmas 2009 with Roxie in good spirits, though she had limited use of her back legs. She got a bunch of toys as well as chew bones.. she used to carry one of her squeaky toys around like a little kid with a stuffed animal.
As predicted, she lost use of her back legs. She lost control of her bowels. She lost control of her bladder a few times. I could tell she was in pain. She would sometimes whimper. I knew it had to be done, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
For the past few months, every single time I went over there, I feared that it would be the last time I would see her. I sat in the floor with her and held her paw. When I sat down next to her, she would roll on her side and hold her paw up. I would hold it and tell her how much I loved her, and she would take her head and bury it into my knee and I would give her the biggest hug imaginable.
I work a pretty demanding retail job and don't have a lot of free time. It's been particularly bad lately, with local stores closing and employees working more than normal. It's been sunny and 70+ degrees. I finally had a day off (today), but when I awoke, it was 50-55 degrees and pouring rain. I didn't think anything of it. I went to a few places with my roommate, and right when I pulled into my parking lot, I recieved a call.
I don't know if I have a sixth sense or what, but I can tell when something huge is about to happen. My mom had told me on Friday that she was sick and I shouldn't visit this weekend (and she literally was sick, stomach bug going around work), so I hadn't went. She told me that it was done Friday (she didn't tell me on Friday or Saturday because I worked 9 hour shifts each day and she knew this would gut me). I immediately told her that I had to go and threw the phone in the back seat.
I stepped outside and the world seemed different. I stood in the pouring rain. I didn't care. I had just been told that I had lost my best friend.
As I sit typing this, I am still in disbelief. I asked that we save her collar, at the very least. I don't want to visit my parent's house in the near future for any reason.
The thing that kills me the most.. when I went over there last, for some reason, I didn't do the traditional thing. I was in a hurry and I didn't sit down with her. She watched me as I walked room to room. I did pet her, tell her she was a good girl and that I loved her, but I didn't sit down and give her a hug like I usually do. What were her final thoughts like? Did she think she did something wrong or that we were mad at her? Did she know that I loved her?
As I sit typing this, I can't stop the tears that stream down my face. I'm not a cryer by nature, I'm just not, but this situation has left me completely shattered. I feel emotionally numb, and I don't know what I'm going to do when I see one of her toys (I'm never going to hear her squeak it again..), when I see her bed.. oh god, I think there's still some doggie yogurt in the freezer.. how do you guys deal with this? This isn't the first dog that I've lost, but this is the first dog that I've had since she was born. She was 14. I wish I could get a picture of her on here.. I'll work on that. She was the most photogenic dog.. I swear, she smiled for pictures..
I'm sorry that this ran a little long.. I just have no one else that I can rant to that would understand how I'm feeling right now. I just feel so lost and hopeless. I lost my best friend.