Misc Random Funnies - German Shepherd Dog Forums
 
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 10-30-2008, 10:19 AM Thread Starter
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Misc Random Funnies

<span style="color: #FF6666">"when you left your house, did you close your garage door?" asked the secretary

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said,, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires. </span>

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<span style="color: #6666CC">An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conve rsations. I've changed my will three times!' </span>
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<span style="color: #CC6600">Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' </span>

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<span style="color: #999900">An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ' Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restauran t we went to last night?' </span>
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<span style="color: #009900">Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' h e said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' </span>
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<span style="color: #000099">Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that . You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down ?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'</span>

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<span style="color: #993399">A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!' </span>
----
<span style="color: #006600">Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'</span>
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<span style="color: #660000">A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.' </span>
-----
<span style="color: #3366FF">Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're re ally doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'</span>
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<span style="color: #330099">Two wk ago was my 49th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too good that morning anyway.I went for breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday."

I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember."
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to leave for the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Anita, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon.

Then, Anita knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "My...!, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go."

We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the suburb to a little private place. We had two teh tarik and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. "

"Sure," I replied excitedly.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday!

And there I sat... on the couch... naked! </span>

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 10-30-2008, 10:34 AM
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Re: Misc Random Funnies

LMAO these are great. Thanks for sharing.

Danielle


Mom to:
Rocky - 3 year old Black GSD
3 Skin Kids
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 10-30-2008, 11:29 AM
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Re: Misc Random Funnies

Loved it!

Sandra
Larka GSD 1/4/06 Palla GSD 7/16/06 Loki adopted 8/23/08
Badger,Miss Crabtree & Shafford, the kitty krew
Waiting at the bridge;Palla,Tucker,Chance, Brandy and Lacy. I'll miss you to the end of eternity, and love you twice as long.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 10-30-2008, 11:50 AM
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Re: Misc Random Funnies

Thanks I needed that

Heidi-GSD- RIP
Dutchess-GSD RIP
Sadie-Lab-Silly girl
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