Thanks and have a Happy New Year! - German Shepherd Dog Forums
 
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 02-01-2009, 09:16 PM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 2,588
Thanks and have a Happy New Year!

I just want to thank all of you for your educational
e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.


I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a
paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water
without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I
don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last
washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be
taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has
placed it on the floor of a Public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one
about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to
use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th
time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change
once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has
granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant Freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water Buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along
to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my
back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who
make these Products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God'
on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face... Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked With a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they
are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore?and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since
I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up
$5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was
placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to
grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas
from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid
I'll get bitten by the brown Recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's' cousin's beautician . .


Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


Happy New Year!
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 02-01-2009, 10:31 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Georgia
Posts: 10,219
Re: Thanks and have a Happy New Year!

This is great. Thanks for sharing!

Danielle


Mom to:
Rocky - 3 year old Black GSD
3 Skin Kids
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 02-01-2009, 10:44 PM
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Location: Jenkintown,Pa.
Posts: 15,199
Re: Thanks and have a Happy New Year!

camels don't get fleas!!!!
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 02-01-2009, 10:50 PM
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Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 154
Re: Thanks and have a Happy New Year!

Hahahaha.. good stuff!
The part at the end about your hand on the mouse, when I read that line I took my hand off!! hahaha!! thanks, I loved it!

Try to be the person your dog thinks you are
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 02-01-2009, 10:57 PM
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Location: On. Canada
Posts: 4,370
Re: Thanks and have a Happy New Year!

I got caught with my hand on the mouse also! lol
As I was reading I was thinking and it's strange I remember when I got almost everyone of those emails!

Sandra
Larka GSD 1/4/06 Palla GSD 7/16/06 Loki adopted 8/23/08
Badger,Miss Crabtree & Shafford, the kitty krew
Waiting at the bridge;Palla,Tucker,Chance, Brandy and Lacy. I'll miss you to the end of eternity, and love you twice as long.
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