I have been putting off writing this. Every time I go to start my hands start shaking and I start to cry.
It seems every time we start to make progress with Kaos' pain management, we just as quickly start to go backwards. Last night the vet switched his routine and we are giving it 2 weeks to test it out.
I am not hopeful as in my heart I truly believe we can not make him comfortable enough for me to feel good about.
He has been showing increased discomfort in all of his daily activities, even with his extensive med intake. He is also starting to get defensive when he thinks you are too close to his back end, this is showing me he is not even close to being comfortable. In the last 2 weeks my husband has had to help him stand up 4x. This is something I can not do on a daily basis since I did it two weeks ago and reaggravated my 2 herniated discs. Having reinjured myself I was given a pretty good wake up call to what it's like to have chronic pain, and this is also playing into our decision. I have always said the minute we can not control his pain, we have to let him go. We have decided to give the new scheduling 2 weeks and if it is not helping immensely we will be picking a date to let Kaos be at peace.
Logically I am 100% sure this is the right thing to do for him.....but it's killing me. He still wants to play, eat, drink, love.....but his body is not capable.
Also since he is getting more defensive, I do not want him to snap at someone "too close" and to have that be how he is remembered, does that make sense?
I have a couple questions for all of you who have been through this.
How did you prepare yourself mentally? Are there special things you did?, wish you had done after the fact?
Also with another dog in the house....Sherman is 11 months old and has never known a life here w/out Kaos. Did you start seperating them more beforehand, ie right now they have times of the day they go outside together, do you limit those, so your other dog gets used to being alone? In the house we already do crate/rotate due to our vet recommendation a couple months ago....but is there more we should be doing?
My kids have also never known a house without Kaos, so we have been preparing for this for awhile. We have discussed sometimes it is the best thing you can do for them, how it is the most loving thing. Both of them have friends who've had to do the same in the last couple months so we used those opportunities to discuss that while it was hard, it was very kind.
Sorry if this is rambled, I have been a wreck the last couple of days, and I am sure that isn't going to change anytime soon.
I have been through this a few times before and this poem has helped. Please for give me for the error. It should have read, "Although my tail its last has waved". It's these feeling and heart ack that shows how much they mean to us. My heart hurts with you. Good luck.
I have been through this a few times before and this poem has helped. Please for give me for the error. It should have read, "Although my tail its last has waved". It's these feeling and heart ack that shows how much they mean to us. My heart hurts with you. Good luck.
Thank you all so much. I have that poem saved to my computer with a couple others....I reread it when I start to feel guilty, or second guess, or one of many other emotions that seem to be flowing through me lately.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so very hard to let them go. At the time, I could not afford the fee for cremation so I, too, cut a lock of Rudi's hair. I keep it in a beautiful glass container with his picture on my dresser. At first it was sad to see it, but now it makes me smile to remember all the good times with him.
Thank you both. I have cut some hair...not sure if I'll ever want it, but just in case, I don't want to regret not doing it.
I am overwhelmed by the roller coaster of emotions this is bringing out in me. From panic about the actual act...to watching him and being able to see so many signs maybe I'd been avoiding seeing and feeling guilt. ugh...I can't even imagine what next week will be like. We are taking him to the lake this weekend for pictures. I hope I can keep it together through that for Kaos' and my kids sake. I'm a mess, thank you all for all of your support. I don't really have a lot of "dog people" for friends so this forum has helped a lot.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so very hard to let them go. At the time, I could not afford the fee for cremation so I, too, cut a lock of Rudi's hair. I keep it in a beautiful glass container with his picture on my dresser. At first it was sad to see it, but now it makes me smile to remember all the good times with him.
I know it helps me to take some time and go ahead and cry with my dogs when that time comes. For the kids' sake, I might not do it in front of them, depending on how well they handle it, but I really do think that the dogs understand and will be a little less worried so to speak if you go ahead and express your feelings.
I hope you are doing OK. Find some time to just let it out. It will help you "deal" afterwards. All those pent up emotions tend to cloud our thinking. It is so hard what we have to do for our pets sometimes...Thinking of you.
Thank you all so much! I have been making time to cry, as funny as that sounds. Every morning after my kids leave for school, Kaos and I sit outside with my cup of coffee. This week I've just talked to him, petted and cried. Not too mention all the tears I've gotten out when I told the neighbors and 3 different sets of neighbors started crying. They all love him so much. They always volunteered to pet sit when ever we would have to leave. Often they would all share the days so that they could all play with him. It's nice seeing that he is so well loved and will be missed by everyone.
The tears are just about how much of an emptiness he will leave behind him. I am totally comfortable with our decision, and know it is the right one for him. He's been a lot worse the last few days, or maybe I've just been willing to notice more. His deer meat from my FIL arrived today, so he will be so excited for that come breakfast time. He's probably put on 5 lbs this week with all his good meals already:wub:
Thank you again so much for all of you continuing to follow and support me in such a heartbreaking time.
I hope you are doing OK. Find some time to just let it out. It will help you "deal" afterwards. All those pent up emotions tend to cloud our thinking. It is so hard what we have to do for our pets sometimes...Thinking of you.
Thank you everyone. I had been doing so good. Had been are the key words. I was sitting at the table eating lunch....thinking about it being Friday so I needed to go pick up some fish for dinner. Then it hit me that this is Kaos' last Friday, as his appt is next Thursday evening.
I am now a crying wreck again, and can't concentrate on anything. I was planning on some housework and errands this afternoon......I think my 2 yr old and I will just take Kaos out back to play and sit in the sun.
I can't begin to fathom what the pain feels like afterward....because I am not sure I can handle it. So hard to cherish each day when I can't stop crying.
"I started missing you long before you were gone. I'll keep loving you long after the memories bring you back"
"I can look into the world and see you in every act of love. Where once you were one, you are now many"
~~Safe Passage~~
Words to help the grieving hold fast and let go
(a book given to me when I lost my last dog, originally it had been given to my mother upon losing my dad)
Take care.
Every time I see this thread bumped to the top I always hold my breath before opening it. I really feel your pain and I hope that you can enjoy your last days with Kaos even through your tears. The rivers you cry now and afterwards just show how much he is loved.
I walked the road you are on too many times and know the pain it brings. I have always stopped to think of my pet's best interests and tried to appreciate how much they gave and what decision I needed to make for them. As difficult as it is to say good bye, they know that you have given them a life that all animals would like to have had.
We have also been the types to bring a new pet into our life within a short time after loosing one. I know that it may sound strange but my wife and I see characteristics of our past pets in the new additions. This allows us to feel as if we have not lost the last pet but that they are living thru the new ones.
Be sure you're drinking plenty of water. I cried so much when my brother was missing and then found dead that I actually became dehydrated. And that brandy wouldn't hurt either!
this is one of the hardest things to do. i offer you my own peace, some kind words and wish you the best. you will meet again in good health and good time...
I went thru this same thing right around christmas time. I made the dreaded appointment a week before christmas for the day after christmas. I was so glad to have been able to take my Rush to all his favorite places that final week and to spoil the crap out of him. His friends all had a chance to come over to say goodbye as well. Not a single person left dry eyed. You sound like you love your boy like I did mine. I can honestly say that I can feel your pain thru your posts. The first week after we lost Rush, I did feel relief that he was no longer suffering, the following week I felt the emptiness without him, now almost 3 months later, everytime I see something beautiful, it reminds me of him. there is this one very bright star in the sky which comes out before any of the other stars. I call this my rush star. It is my boy twinkling and watching over me, daddy and Rush's sister dyna. I don't think I will ever totally get over loosing Rush. He was truly my soul dog. Good luck this week. My heart is with you!
Thank you all SO much. It is comforting to see all of your thoughts and experiences.
We had a great weekend with Kaos. I doubled his tramadol, so that he hopefully had more relief....watching him play with my husband and boys and in the lake was so bittersweet. He was in such a great mood at one point, I found myself thinking "he still looks pretty good" Not 10 minutes later his back legs gave out and he collapsed in the lake and couldn't get footing with the sand so my husband had to help him back up. What a sharp painful reminder of his struggle.
I am finding myself in a new stage of replaying most of his life...wondering what I could've/should've done differently and if it would have made a difference in the outcome.....
I sent my husband to Target this weekend and was surprised when he came home with Kaos' Rx refills. He told me they had automatically refilled them and he didn't have the heart to tell them we didn't need them.....that hurt a LOT. My husband is not a dog lover....just a Kaos lover and he is rarely emotional....so seeing him be so torn up over all of this is so hard.
I know the hardest is yet to come...but I can't fathom what that is going to feel like...as of right now it feels like someone is sitting on my chest every time I look at him.
Every time I read this thread, my eyes well up with tears. I can't imagine the pain you are going through! My heart and prayers are with you through this difficult time! I know it won't be easy, but you know in your heart you are doing what is best for your boy, and putting his needs before yours. I know that doesn't make it much better though. This week and the next few weeks are going to be the hardest. Hopefully you will get past the initial pain and quickly get to the point that thinking of Kaos will bring a smile instead of tears. :hug:
Here's a pic of him from this weekend. He's so handsome:wub: I can say he was truly happy this weekend...if only he could double his tramadol, eat whatever he wanted and have every day to play in the lake.
He hasn't had that content look for so long...it caught me off guard when we got back to the house and I looked through the pics. I was sad at first....then I thought I'm glad we were able to restore some of that even if just for a bit. He deserves to feel that good every day.
I am so glad you had a great weekend w/ Kaos. Its those really good days that you will remember.My heart goes out to you at this time.He looks very happy to be out w/ his family . Thanks for sharing his pictures.
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