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Topic Review (Newest First)
09-12-2014 05:32 PM
Cheyanna What makes you think the professors were disappointed in you? Just because they point out room for improvement, does not mean they are disappointed in you.
As a professor, I work with students on issue X. When they have improved X, I suggest they start on Y. I am the opposite of disappointed when that happens. Depending upon the student, sometimes I as proud as a momma.
09-05-2014 07:49 PM
Susan_GSD_mom
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveEcho View Post
Ok, I'm coming at you from one academic to another. Grad school is ****. It's absolute **** and misery and you WILL feel inadequate. Here's the secret: everyone else does too. I guarantee you every single other student, who you think has their act together, also feels inadequate. Grad school is designed to make you feel like an idiot. It was the worst time in my life (I have very thin skin... you should have seen how hard I cried when my first peer-reviewed paper got ripped to shreds). There were many times when I was on the wrong track and felt like I had let my advisor down. There were many times when I had NO motivation because it was so overwhelming, and I was missing deadlines simply because I was being lazy about it- inaction was easier than failing in my mind. I was very, very lucky to have an advisor who behind the "tough love" facade really was very supportive. He had excruciatingly high standards and it made me miserable, but many years later when I finally crossed the finish line, I was prepared and I was prepared for what life in the post-doc/post-grad world threw at me.

I know it sounds like the token thing to say, but it's true and I went through it too. Not letting you graduate is the best way they can help you if you're not ready. It's NOT disappointing to them and they don't view it that way. You're their protege... they want you to be as prepared as possible. I've seen what happens to the students who are pushed through for the sake of graduating "on time" and it's not pretty. They don't do well, at all... they turned out spotty work that wasn't actually finished and they suffered for it.

Look up "impostor syndrome." (And, if you want a more light-hearted interpretation....read PhD Comics). If you want to PM me your email, I can send you a paper my advisor sent me back in the day on the importance of feeling stupid in academia. I read it every day at one point. It can be so hard to keep your head above water when you're struggling with depression in an environment that is designed to challenge you in a way that can seem insensitive and overwhelming and designed to make you fail. There are often groups for students to find support from one another, because it can be hard to find support from professors who are so detached from reality after years in a cushy tenure position.

Set one small goal every day. I don't remember what field you're in, but even if it's something as simple as editing one page or reading one cited paper. Set a small goal. Break things up into manageable pieces.
YES--this is the best post for you that I have seen on this thread, Amina (lovely, lovely name). She is the voice of experience and caring and compassion speaking to you, please take it in, digest it, and apply what she is telling you.

Susan
09-05-2014 07:33 PM
huntergreen amina, it is ok to feel bad that you didnt succeed this time. i think you put a lot of pressure on yourself. i will loosely quote john f kennedy jr on taking the bar exam. he was approached by a reporter and asked how he felt about not passing the bar exam. "i will take again and again, and keep taking it until i pass.". my point is, don't give up, don't feel your world just ended just go back and "do it". you will get to where you want to be. now break out the ice cream and indulge. go out and play with the dogs and go for a walk. do anything that you enjoy.
09-05-2014 05:05 PM
MyHans-someBoy Hi,
I am not asking so you'll answer on this forum, but simply so you will think about something...
Your husband has obviously reached a high level of academia. Do you feel pressure to attain the same high level, even though your heart isn't in it? Is he pressuring you?
You need to do what makes YOU happy.
If you had no one else to consider in this whole wide world, but yourself-what would you do differently? Maybe what you'd really like to do with your life seems silly or unattainable or you're not sure what others would think??
If your hubby isn't as supportive as he should be then maybe it is time to talk things over and let him know you need to find something you look forward to doing.
You are obviously intelligent, creative, caring and insightful. Those are wonderful attributes to have. Not everyone can claim them.
09-05-2014 02:59 PM
Cassidy's Mom
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jax08 View Post
Amina - Your culture puts a crazy amount of pressure on you to succeed or "be worthless". You are NOT meaningless. You are NOT a disappointment. Your education does not make a person's worth.

I think you need to stop basing your thoughts on your "worth" on what others think and work for your accomplishments for yourself.
^THIS! I'm sure many if not most people aren't living up to their potential. I know I'm not. But I don't dwell on that because it's not important to me. What IS important is that I have people in my life that I love and that love me, regardless of whether or not we could be doing more, doing better, or achieving great things.
09-05-2014 02:46 PM
LoveEcho Ok, I'm coming at you from one academic to another. Grad school is ****. It's absolute **** and misery and you WILL feel inadequate. Here's the secret: everyone else does too. I guarantee you every single other student, who you think has their act together, also feels inadequate. Grad school is designed to make you feel like an idiot. It was the worst time in my life (I have very thin skin... you should have seen how hard I cried when my first peer-reviewed paper got ripped to shreds). There were many times when I was on the wrong track and felt like I had let my advisor down. There were many times when I had NO motivation because it was so overwhelming, and I was missing deadlines simply because I was being lazy about it- inaction was easier than failing in my mind. I was very, very lucky to have an advisor who behind the "tough love" facade really was very supportive. He had excruciatingly high standards and it made me miserable, but many years later when I finally crossed the finish line, I was prepared and I was prepared for what life in the post-doc/post-grad world threw at me.

I know it sounds like the token thing to say, but it's true and I went through it too. Not letting you graduate is the best way they can help you if you're not ready. It's NOT disappointing to them and they don't view it that way. You're their protege... they want you to be as prepared as possible. I've seen what happens to the students who are pushed through for the sake of graduating "on time" and it's not pretty. They don't do well, at all... they turned out spotty work that wasn't actually finished and they suffered for it.

Look up "impostor syndrome." (And, if you want a more light-hearted interpretation....read PhD Comics). If you want to PM me your email, I can send you a paper my advisor sent me back in the day on the importance of feeling stupid in academia. I read it every day at one point. It can be so hard to keep your head above water when you're struggling with depression in an environment that is designed to challenge you in a way that can seem insensitive and overwhelming and designed to make you fail. There are often groups for students to find support from one another, because it can be hard to find support from professors who are so detached from reality after years in a cushy tenure position.

Set one small goal every day. I don't remember what field you're in, but even if it's something as simple as editing one page or reading one cited paper. Set a small goal. Break things up into manageable pieces.
09-05-2014 12:42 PM
Rangers_mom
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeeva View Post

I thought hard...I don't know if I should tell you this. But I thought hard about that gun in our safe.
This jumped out at me. Thank god you told us. If you feel this way you should definitely tell someone. Please get some help. You are depressed.

What are you studying? Do you love what you are studying? If not try something else.

And please do not hesitate to come back here if you need to.
09-05-2014 12:31 PM
Jax08
Quote:
Originally Posted by carmspack View Post
Zeeva, hi .
Have you ever given some thought to that maybe the education you are pursuing is not what you want to do ?
Are you going through the motions for someone else's expectations.

Is there anything that excites you . In a perfect world what would you like to do or to be?
My thoughts exactly. I've wondered this before. I know some of your background so I am going to 'push' you to go talk to your counselor and if you don't have one in California then find one.

Between your culture that puts so much emphasis on your personal 'worth' tied to high accomplishments and your mental health, I'm going to strongly urge you to go and to re-evaluate whether this is what YOU really want or if it's what others expect from you so you think you should want it.
09-05-2014 12:23 PM
lalachka
Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfy dog View Post
Does that mean you just wanted to vent but not get help? Did that help you?
Just being curious how that can work.
If some one is talking about looking at a gun, it sounds like they need help and all we can do is encouraging them to get it. (MHO)
Yep, just vent.
I didn't read the thread and didn't read about the gun. Just saying that it does help get things out.
Lots of time people just need attention and this is one way of getting it.

ETA also in some cultures getting help (as in therapy) is unacceptable. It's just now becoming accepted in Russia. Before it was an admission that you're sick in the head (I'm simplifying)
09-05-2014 12:21 PM
carmspack Zeeva, hi .
Have you ever given some thought to that maybe the education you are pursuing is not what you want to do ?
Are you going through the motions for someone else's expectations.

Is there anything that excites you . In a perfect world what would you like to do or to be?
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