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Thread: When Does No Mean NO? Reply to Thread
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Topic Review (Newest First)
01-13-2014 10:45 PM
OriginalWacky
Quote:
Originally Posted by Canine Spirit Guide View Post
Anyone know why doing this is still making me feel guilty?
It sounds to me like you have a narcissistic parent, and she will likely always attempt to make you feel guilty/rotten/bad/etc. I haven't spoken to my mother in 13+ years, and like won't ever again. But that's pretty drastic, and I'm not recommending it to others. I would recommend some therapy though, it would probably help you a lot. Here are a couple links that may help you out if indeed she is a narcissist: Narcissistic Mother? for a quiz, and Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers for a description of the characteristics.

Do keep in mind that I am not a doctor or psychologist or anything even remotely resembling a professional in the mental health field, so I could be completely full of bologna.
01-13-2014 09:07 PM
Canine Spirit Guide Oh! And thank you for all of the links to those awesome leadership articles!


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01-13-2014 07:15 PM
Canine Spirit Guide Thank you all for the loving advice, I took some time to calm my nerves and gather up how I wanted to express myself to her.

Sadly, I had to ask her to leave in a month. I love my mom to death, but the conversation I just had an realizing how quickly it turned toxic astonished me. I made sure I never raised my voice, said "I" statements instead of "You" statements, and still...everything was turned around as "my fault" and that whatever I did was not good enough.

For God sakes she blamed her behavior on my PTSD, and literally said that it's no better than a "flu" or "sickness" in her eyes. Hearing that was like the ultimate slap to the face, and that's what made me decide she had to leave. Now that I see, if I can't put my foot down to anyone when it comes to my health, saftey, and well being, then how could I even be a proper leader to my dog?

I took what you all said into consideration, and when I brought up that I need her help in order to live harmoniously...she chose to attack and be spiteful rather than own up and work together.

So...this just happened an hour ago. And since my shepherd was right there seeing her argue and throw tantrums at me...he's been throwing them too all day. Now it's like he is trying all he can to provoke me or get his way via pulling, whining, barking, throwing himself to the floor, doing opposite of the commands...

Can I just pull my hair out now?! lol

I'm waiting for everything to cool down, but for now, in order for me to live healthy and preserve whatever is left of our relationship is for her to leave so that I can take responsibility for myself and my dog.

Anyone know why doing this is still making me feel guilty?
01-13-2014 04:23 PM
Kaimeju
Quote:
If the fiancÚ cannot honor you enough to follow your wishes on a simple dog what is he going to be like when you have children?
This concerned me as well. What makes him "head of the household?" What is that supposed to mean? In my house, we are equals regardless of how much money someone makes, how smart someone feels they are, and who does the most planning/management of house business.

Quote:
It's getting to the point where I feel energetically drained, depressed, fearful, on eggshells, and anxious. How can I even train my own dog when I'm not even comfortable living in MY own house?!?!?!?!?! She isn't paying for anything, a 100% free ride and she's literally making me physically sick!!!
This sounds like a situation for a family therapist to deal with. It almost reminds me of borderline personality disorder or even codependency. But regardless, when money is tight, living space is cramped, and people don't feel capable of supporting themselves, things can get really ugly and personalities take a turn for the worst. Definitely seek help if you can afford it. You need a mediator who can be neutral and keep things from turning into an angry confrontation.

As for your dog, make sure you are not projecting your discomfort with your family onto him. They can sense when you are uncomfortable. Here's the good news, though: you don't have to prove anything to your dog on human terms. It doesn't matter where you've been in the world of humans, your dog will judge you based on how you relate to him HERE and NOW. This means you can always start things over on the right foot, every day. Training is going to take time, but I bet if you have some more self-confidence it will be more fun. Suzanne Clothier has a really good article on leadership that might help.

One final thing: with humans AND with dogs, it is easier to give them something else to do than to keep them from doing something you don't like. So, with your family members, instead of telling them NOT to give your dog food rewards, you could tell them to make sure and ask for a sit or a trick before giving them. The same goes for your dog: if he is having trouble being obnoxious to people when seeking attention or simply being rambunctious, give him something else to do and give him a routine so that he knows what to expect. Routines are very important.
01-13-2014 03:52 PM
gsdsar Don't make it a confrontation. That's the easiest way to make her defensive. Have a " family meeting" all of you sit down and you discuss what you want from the dog. Tell your mom you "need her help" to train your dog the best way possible. Make her part if the solution instead of blaming her for everything bad she does. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.


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01-13-2014 03:46 PM
Jax08
Quote:
Originally Posted by BowWowMeow View Post
It sounds like you have a toxic parent. First of all, you really should get a therapist who can help you deal with all of this past and present trauma.

Second, you are going to have to find the strength to dig deep down inside yourself, put aside that child that your mom is emotionally abusing and let her know that her behavior is unacceptable. If you need to, write down what you want to say and memorize it but don't let her turn it into a drama scene.

Make it clear that she is living in your home and if she wants to continue to live in your home then she needs to follow some basic rules. If she is not willing to follow those rules then she will need to find another place to live. And then stick to it. And don't bite the hook when she tries to start something with you. Let her know that you're done with playing childhood games.
Ruth gave excellent advice. I would also suggest you discuss with your fiance. You might be able to hold your ground better if she supported you in this decision and was there with you.


Just to add...at some point you need to get angry at the way you've been treated. IMO, that anger is the first step to moving on. It's no different than the 5 stages of grief. I have not spoken to my mother, really spoken to her, in over a year. At 43 years old, she doesn't get to kick me in the teeth ever again. I"m just to old for this. I love her, I wish her the best. I just wish it all for her away from me.
01-13-2014 03:29 PM
Canine Spirit Guide I just tried confronting her and froze up in a panic. I don't know if I can do this.


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01-13-2014 01:08 AM
Bman0221 It sounds like a tough situation your in. It also sounds like it's time for mom to find a new place to live. I know that is probably easier said than done, but at the end of the day you have to be happy and comfortable in your own home. If mom can't or refuses to get with the program and respect your rules, then I would nicley explain to her that it's time to find a new place to live.

Good luck and I hope things get better.
01-13-2014 01:01 AM
BowWowMeow It sounds like you have a toxic parent. First of all, you really should get a therapist who can help you deal with all of this past and present trauma.

Second, you are going to have to find the strength to dig deep down inside yourself, put aside that child that your mom is emotionally abusing and let her know that her behavior is unacceptable. If you need to, write down what you want to say and memorize it but don't let her turn it into a drama scene.

Make it clear that she is living in your home and if she wants to continue to live in your home then she needs to follow some basic rules. If she is not willing to follow those rules then she will need to find another place to live. And then stick to it. And don't bite the hook when she tries to start something with you. Let her know that you're done with playing childhood games.
01-13-2014 12:26 AM
Canine Spirit Guide
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rbeckett View Post
Spirit,
GSD's are the most noble and loving breed there is and unsurpassed in loyalty but you have to be a strong part of that relationship and bring something to the table for the dog to recognize you as the leader and follow your directions without hesitation or fear. Your name implies that you have a strong spiritual background so tap that energy and take charge before you get run over by others along the path that you have chosen.

Wheelchair Bob
Thank you Wheelchair Bob,

I've actually been reading this post quite frequently since you've replied. I honestly just didn't have any words to say, I was just really shocked on how all of that is absolutely true. I've spoken to my fiance and expressed myself, I actually was quite shocked on how apologetic he was and how he offered his 100% effort and support (he's been keeping up on it too) however now it really came down to my Mom out of all people putting up a fight.

(Just to clarify though I actually moved my Mom in with me from Kentucky, I believe the story with her was that her and my sister were sharing an apartment and their bills/rent were always late so they got evicted. I felt bad for my Mom and offered her a room in my apartment.)

Because I moved her in, I've never really expressed any 'household rules' because after all...she's my Mom, I kind of expected her to know better. Especially with training my dog, I told her not to encourage him to jump, or be dominant, or adhere to simple training rules...but any time I tell her something where I have to set a boundary and make her take responsibility for her actions, she immediately get's defensive.

She blames me, makes me feel guilty, attacks me verbally and even provoked a physical fight. To make make matters worse, she's been spitefully treating me differently and waiting for my fiance to leave before she reveals her true colors. This is a side I've never seen of her before, and now every time I say no, it's like I'm fighting with a 16 year old child.

It's getting to the point where I feel energetically drained, depressed, fearful, on eggshells, and anxious. How can I even train my own dog when I'm not even comfortable living in MY own house?!?!?!?!?! She isn't paying for anything, a 100% free ride and she's literally making me physically sick!!!

I mean...not going to get into it but my childhood was very dark and tormenting, when I try and confront her about the abuse she just blanks out and denies it all like it never happened. But when she has a problem everyone has to hear about it and be a chess piece in her game.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! >

How can I get my dog to respect me as Alpha if my own Mother doesn't even give me the respect I deserve in my own home.

What do I do when I can't move away, because that's the home I made?
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