|08-29-2013 04:41 PM|
|Midnight12||You have gotten some good advice here. I know how bad you feel about what happened from your other threads. Since it is coming up on a year now, maybe it is time to let yourself off the hook. Forgive yourself. I too had a lab who shoved the door when the kids were going to school and got hit by a car. It was 25 years ago and I still think of him but had to forgive myself.|
|08-29-2013 04:19 PM|
So I am a nervous wreck right now... I just spent the last nearly 30 mins clinging to Penny and cuddling with her bawling my eyes out. I went out with my mother to do some running around and on our way back home she hits and kills a chipmunk... She saw it on time enough to that if she would have attempted to break she might have missed it, instead she keeps going and kills the poor thing. Here I am in the car already bawling here she was saying she was sorry for killing the poor thing... Now I wasn't crying because the chipmunk died... it happens, I was crying because the guy who hit Diesel had ample opportunity to break/stop but instead, like my mother kept going. So again it brought back watching Penny get hit and how angry I still am (as much as I hate to admit it) at the jerk who killed my dog (something [the anger] I really need to learn to let go if I ever want any peace with this and I know that). If the guy had at least made the attempt to stop maybe she would still be here.,.. maybe she wouldn't but no attempt was made. Ugg things just keep triggering me and it really sucks...
To some you might be thinking "geesh just get over it", but the fact is that is really hard for me. I was diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder [its similar to bipolar]), depression, anxiety and PTSD, so dealing with big events in my life has always been an issue (something that I have been working on managing for several years now). But back when I was a teenager I drank.. a lot! I also did all sorts of drugs to help me "manage" my feelings and emotions. Until I got Diesel. I always knew I wanted a pure bred GSD, I had admired them since I was a kid... I started a job and I was unstable but I needed to have a job to live and I was already bouncing around from place to place to place and had a lot of issues. Well I got this job and during training I met a GSD breeder who was in the same training class as I was and I found out she had a litter of GSD pups on the way. Needless to say I stopped drinking and doing drugs worked really hard found a really good place to live that allowed pets and a few months later I brought Diesel home.
Diesel made all the difference in the world to me. For the first time in my life I felt stable. I was clean and sober, I had a decent job which eventually lead to my several promotions landing me in the really good position I have now as a manager, I got my first time stable boyfriend who I ended up moving in with with Diesel, I got closer with my family and everything in the past really didn't matter anymore. I ate right, I felt great, I worked really hard because I had something in my life that actually NEEDED me to be at my 100% all the time. She got me out of everything bad going on, got me on the right track because I knew that's what I needed to do to ensure I got to keep my baby.
When I lost Diesel everything that I had worked so hard for, really didn't matter. It felt like the world was coming to an end and I really had nothing to live for anymore. All the symptoms of my disorders came flooding back and I was a wreck. So to me its a lot harder to move on from (not saying that it is ever easy).
I am thankful I have Penny in my life, she is giving me the same thing Diesel did... stability... Knowing that I have something in my life dependent on me keeps me going even at the worst of times. I am happy with Penny, but I dont think that means that I cant have issues over Diesel either. Penny gets 100% of me even when I am down because she (as Diesel did) needs me at my 100%. Penny has not suffered one day or an hour or any amount of time when I am hurting over my loss. And I truly do love her and am happy with her around and glad that she came into my life when she did because it was crucial to my well being.
I did some yoga this morning (skipped the work out DVD today as I really didnt have time) but I will be getting back into doing yoga and meditation from here on out. I will also start drawing and maybe pick back up either of the novels I was in the middle of writing to keep me occupied, and see if that helps.
|08-29-2013 10:49 AM|
I've experienced traumatic events and then out of the blue 'triggers' like what happened to you driving home reignite the memories and anxiety.
I think you've got a lot of great advice in this thread already....so just a couple of things I can offer that may help-
1) Please remember, as time goes on that even the triggers will become less and less intense. Time does heal.
2) If you do yoga you may already be familiar with meditation. I've had great difficulty sleeping and found that 'training' my brain through meditation has helped immensely! So try it, or if you already meditate get back into it more often to help you cope. Sometimes I get out of practice and I can definitely tell the difference.
As others have said, be patient and kind to yourself, what happened really is still fairly recent.
|08-29-2013 10:16 AM|
|08-29-2013 03:14 AM|
I'm so sorry Mandy. Sounds like the truck incident triggered some bad memories. I remember what happened to Diesel. It caused me to be even more cautious with my dog because it was such an accident and such a trauma.
My husband had a cardiac arrest in Jan,2012 with multiple complications. He's only been well since Feb 2013 and still needs a heart repair. I did great at coping with his illness. Early this month, his sis had an arrest and I freaked. I had a complete breakdown, cried for three days straight and am on some anti depressants now. His sis will be fine--much less complicated.
I'd talk to a counselor or a doctor. Exercise helps but if your preferred exercise is walking Penny--that's a problem. I took up cross stitch when my husband was ill and have busted it out again. It keeps my mind and hand busy enough.
Be kind to yourself.
|08-29-2013 02:24 AM|
I'm sorry for what happened and what you had to go through. It must've been he** . I know everytime I take Maggie out for her walks and we get near a busy street I hold on tight to her leash and make sure she is away and not walking on the street side. I know its hard and unpredictable what could happen but at least you have some control over the situation.
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|08-29-2013 01:19 AM|
I think you should stop focusing on the anniversary of the day your previous dog died. I loved my previous dog with all my heart, but I cannot tell you the day she died, only the month and year. I don't mean to sound cold, but its done and overwith, focus on happy future events with Penny. Forgive yourself. Get a lot of physical exercise and tire yourself out, warm shower before bed with some lavender soap. I used to be the queen of anxiety, there were times I felt I lived on Ambien to sleep, I'm sure if something really stressful happened I'd still need it.
This is a good book if your practice the exercises, it hard at first and may even give you more anxiety for the moment, but then you are able to kind of sit back and watch the way your mind automatically thinks - the negative pathways, etc.
Like with you, counseling did not help me, it made me feel more anxious. What helps a lot is my trust in my faith now.
|08-28-2013 11:54 PM|
I've never had any kind of traumatic experience losing a pet, and I can only imagine that if I did, I would suffer anxiety and nightmares just like you are. I'm so sorry that you went through that.
I can speak for counseling though, as I have done that a few times. I will say, of the times that I've gone to counseling, only one of the counselors really helped. She also said that it is common for people to feel that the counseling isn't helping, and when they stop, they feel fine for a while, and then spiral back down... Which suggests that the counseling was helping even though they didn't realize it. I would suggest looking into counseling again, but if you weren't happy with it the first time, maybe look into a new doctor? You might just *click* with someone else. I know I did.
I'm not sure if you like to read, but I found some Buddhist "self help" books very helpful. I'm not Buddhist, but I think their teachings make a lot of sense, and I learned some fantastic coping methods that way.
Good luck. Whatever you try, I hope it helps
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|08-28-2013 10:08 PM|
Thank you for your kind words.... I didn't find counselling very helpful. It was at first, getting to talk but there is only so much you can say and I found that talking about it just brought everything back I would have flashbacks of what happened and after I stopped going I started eating right again and started walking more with Penny (we walk about 2 - 3 hours a day) and I really was doing great and I was happy, I only thought (well tried and mostly succeed but sometimes I would start thinking about what happened and snapped myself out of it) of good memories of the time I had with my girl. But what brought back the nightmares again was a few weeks back I was driving home from SAR training and a dog ran right out in front of me in the dark. Luckily I missed the dog by mere inches and I had to pull over because I was having such a bad panic attack I couldn't drive. And that's what really set things in motion, although I was starting to feel anxious about Diesel's anniversary a little while before.
I'm going to start doing yoga again and maybe start a workout DVD again (for the extra exercise other than walking). I will call my counselor and see if I can get in to see her and see if it helps or if not see if she can point me toward doing something else that might help.
|08-28-2013 03:48 PM|
I'm sorry Diesel passed in such a horrific way and you certainly aren't un reasonable for being highly alert with Penny or feeling anxious.
My Buddy passed away a little over a year ago. It was nothing unexpected or awful like Diesel, he was old but it still hurts like heck. Two months prior to his anniversary this year I became a miserable awful grumpy person. I would come home from work and just go to bed and snuggle my dog Harry. It went on for about a month and I expect it to happen again next year too. I decided to let it run its course for the depression that it was.
There is nothing wrong with the fact you are still grieving and what you witnessed was traumatic so I would think all your anxiety is normal. Maybe another round of counselling would help?
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