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-   -   RIP "Evoo" (Eva), my sweetest girl (http://www.germanshepherds.com/forum/loving-memory/444890-rip-evoo-eva-my-sweetest-girl.html)

lovemygirl 05-01-2014 01:13 PM

RIP "Evoo" (Eva), my sweetest girl
 
6 Attachment(s)
I just want to share this immense, horrible, devastating, deep loss; I want to talk about my sweet girl, my sweetest Evoo (or Eves, or Eva Diva)... I wrote about her struggles and suffering in the preparing to say good-bye forum, and even though I knew this was coming and I took four days off work to spend with her (came back to work the day after the loss - I just preferred to soak up my time with her while she was still here to share it with me), I discovered there is no such thing as 'prepared'.....

This was the first time I ever had a pet euthanized - my husband made the decision and let me arrange the rest.....

I spent the past five days with Eva, taking her for long slow easy walks, letting her smell everything - always a source of joy for her... I tried to feed her tasty meals but her appetite was so poor, all she ate for the last several days was chicken breast hand-fed to her on the sofa. I did get her to eat one meal of bison and cheese, which she used to ADORE.....

We played as much as we could and I played fetch with her squeaky Kong tennis ball, which normally we can't use because of my work schedule and the building's quiet hours.... (it really is THAT loud, but you should all buy one for your dogs - it's the only tennis ball type toy she didn't destroy in 2 minutes or less; those balls actually lasted about 8 weeks each :wild:)

I hope that walking for hours and hours every day eased her tummy pain like the vet said it would (we walked 5+ hours several days this week, nice slow ambly walk).... I hope she knew how loved she was, and still is..... She is my heart dog :wub: :wub: :wub: :wub: :wub:

I just felt that her uncomfortable/stressful/painful minutes/hours outnumbered her joyful moments by far too wide a margin... so many times she would pant from pain and distress so hard that she would move the couch, even with both of us sitting on it.....

I slept with her the last night, well until 3 AM anyway (got up at 4 for the day in any case) when she kicked me off her sofa :o

We went for a few long ambly walks to a couple of places she'd never been before, and one forest/wildlife management area she LOVED, we always saw deer there... I'd been trying to stretch my time with her so much the past few days that we were up at 4AM, walking in that area til 6, and we saw the same 5 does and 1 buck every morning... and of course plenty of cotton-tail rabbits. She never did catch one :(

I'm flabbergasted by all the things I am thinking of now that I wanted to do with her in her last days that I never got the chance to do... I wanted her to eat all of her favorite foods, things she'd been forbidden since they were *bad* for her, cheese and beef and chicken nuggets and steak {she had fat malabsorption problems her whole life, in addition to the EPI and gastric cancer}, but I could hardly get her to eat chicken breast, her ultimate favorite food (I know, a dog that wants chicken breat over a burger or chicken nuggets or cheese?!?!? used to be that she wanted cheese and beef more than chicken, but she turned her nose up at every kind of cheese and beef I tried to give her).... wanted to give her one last Greenie, since she loved mint so much, but I plum forgot until it was too late, how does that even happen... I'm astounded by the number of WMAs I wanted to take her to, but never got the chance..

The vet was just great, and I'm so glad my husband let me spend beaucoup bucks on the final appointment. I got the very best vet, the most gentle woman, to come out to our home. When she arrived, I distracted Eva by feeding her freshly cooked chicken breast... I had gone and gotten her McDonald's but she wouldn't eat that, only the baked chicken breast - we used to joke that Eva liked to watch her girlish figure....

Anyway I sat on the floor feeding her chicken breast until and while the vet administered the sedative in her flank. Eva used to stand right up against me and hang her long long neck all the way down to my, well, crotch, so her shoulders were against my chest and her head was in my .... privates .... and she did that and I almost lost it but reminded myself I had to keep it together for her; if she felt me become anxious, she would, too....

Then she wanted to go sniff the vet and I had to let her go much as I wanted to hug her to me. I had my husband pull her soft blanket off of her couch and lay it down, and I sat on the edge of it, and she came over and laid down on it, facing sort of towards me.... I was stroking her scruff and her face and her ears and telling her she was a good girl, and so loved, and I enjoyed our time together so much, and somehow for the first time I was keeping it together but my husband was sobbing - first time I've ever seen him really cry, and Eva was 100% my dog; she never bonded to him at all.... every time he blew his nose she raised her head to look at him....

The vet gave her a little more sedative because she was still very responsive to noise and Eva had aggression issues - now that she has passed I can say that without fear that she will inflict a puncture wound on a kid and my posts/Internet history will be found..... anyway, I was vehemently against muzzling her so the vet wanted her quite sedated....

so she gave her another shot and I lay down looking in her eyes, and she looked in mine, and I tried not to cry and thanked her for giving me a few more minutes with her, told her what a strong girl she was, told her she was always good, always my sweetest girl, that I would be right here with her, not to fear....

after the sedative took full effect and she was not as responsive to sound, the vet had me lay behind her so she could get at her foreleg... I laid right up against her with my face buried in her thick scruff like I'd done so many times; Eva was such a spooner.... I can't remember what I was saying or thinking, just remember staring at the syringe and watching the plunger go down and thinking, I've been living in the moment with her, like her, but what now....

I think I remember feeling a quick burst of peacefulness for the seconds between the shot and the vet listening to her chest and saying "I'm sorry. There is no heartbeat." I want to hang on to that. I hope it wasn't just shock; I hope it was a message from Eva...

I apparently had a dream about her last night that my husband told me about, but that I can't remember (he woke me up during it crying - I'm stunned by how affected he is; they really had no bond at all and I didn't think he particularly liked her honestly).. I was talking, I guess; I said something about "by the trees" (either take her or don't take her by the trees), then something about "the people"; my husband asked what people and I said "all the people in the forest".... I woke up when he was crying; I was about 50% awake I'd say, and kept seeing images of us walking in her favorite forest.... I thought it was because I was thinking of her & trying to reassure him, but maybe the dream was still lingering; he was crying & I wanted to comfort him but I wanted so badly to go back to sleep, & I felt guilty for wanting to go back to sleep, but maybe it was because of the dream..... I remember saying "She is happy" to him, then thinking, "How would I know that?"

I just love her and miss her so, so, so, so much..... I love you my Eva girl, my sweetest dog, my doggie soul mate, and I hope I made you happy and that you know I love you

DWP 05-01-2014 01:41 PM

Peace Be with you
 
Peace Be With You.

It is so very sad that we must endure the shortness of their lives, as we remember the lengths they went to please us.

shepherdmom 05-01-2014 01:49 PM

So very sorry for your loss. RIP Evoo

lovemygirl 05-01-2014 01:51 PM

Thank you for the condolences.... I can't believe how much I wrote; sorry :o

I still feel her presence so much. I hope it's her that I am feeling, and not just the expectation of her.... I hope wherever she is, she is at peace and knows I love her so much and did the best I could to make her happy and comfy

K9POPPY 05-01-2014 01:54 PM

So, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your thoughts- I am sure she had such a wonderful life with you. Thinking of you, today. We share your sadness and loss. best to you, Bob

Zeeva 05-01-2014 02:26 PM

I kept up with your other thread and feel compelled to comment now.

You've been strong. You've provided a great life for your pup; full of love despite requiring the management of her aggression. You're commended for that.

Please find some peace in knowing that she is at ease now. That you gave her a gift both throughout her life and by deciding to free her. I do believe we will meet our past pups again...I hope you do too and find comfort in that. Especially since you saw her showing you how happy she is now.

Confide in us when you need to <3

my boy diesel 05-01-2014 02:32 PM

so very sorry for your loss :'(

SuperG 05-01-2014 02:54 PM

You did good....to the very end....Evoo was lucky to have you by her side.

Yes, Evoo has been freed from her hardships and suffering which of course was your prime directive...you honored and respected Evoo with your selfless decisions ....all for her best....it is so damned tough but it is what is right and loving.

You did good.....so very good...

Take care and as the wonderful memories of Evoo start to temper this sadness you have...remember.. your wonderful beloved Evoo wants nothing more from you except for your happiness to return...

My heart goes out to you,

SuperG

Lilie 05-01-2014 03:06 PM

Big hugs to you and your hubby.

lovemygirl 05-01-2014 10:32 PM

Thank you all so much. You have no idea how much it means, just to know other people have looked at her picture and are thinking of her, even just for a moment...

It's hard. I keep having fleeting memories both of the amazingly fun times we had - even just laying on the floor or on the couch together, or just playing fetch, or her flea-biting me all over (my favorite!!!!!!! God I loved when she did that, she'd get so into it, her eyes would roll up into her head - the cutest thing) and then of times when I was frustrated with her aggression & behavioral issues (especially early on, before I just learned to live with it), and I know she could sense it -- ughhhh I regret that frustration so much, SO much, but I try to remember those moments of frustration were far, far, far, FAR fewer than the moments of love and fun we shared.

I think I am going to plant a tree in her memory in her favorite quasi-conservation forested area (overlooking a highway - lol - she loved to watch trucks) and maybe her second favorite area, too (a small area of conservation land next to a river, where there were cats and a beaver that she loved to track) and sprinkle forget-me-not seeds everywhere we used to walk frequently.... I am also going to volunteer for a local GSD rescue (administratively - I can't even look at other dogs right now; I instantly compare them to Eves and they all lose). I just want her memory and legacy to live on. I love her so much and I miss her desperately


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