I don't think I can hate myself more than I do right now

Zaydi · 12-19-2011, 07:34 PM

Sorry in advance if this is long. It's actually about my 17 yr old cat passed who away yesterday morning, whom I've had since I was 7 years old, so its already terrible enough being without him after all this time. He was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism a little over a month ago. The vet said he probably also had heart disease. I got medication for his thyroid though, and within days he was back to his usual old self.
After a month of him being happy and healthy, or so it seemed, he stopped eating suddenly and it became hard for him to walk. I had to eventually give him water and paste food through a syringe. I knew that this was his heart failing and being as old as he was there wasn't much I could do to prolong his life anymore.
The next night, he couldn't move at all and just lay flat on the floor. His breathing was shallow and his heart beat was slow. I knew it would probably be his last night.
I THOUGHT he would go to sleep and never wake up. However, this was not the case. It turned out to be the worst night ever, and I only wished I took him to the vet before this night to have him put to sleep. I tried to get to the vet as they opened, but he ended up dying in my arms right as I went out the door.
Why didn't I just have him euthanized before his suffering? I hate myself so much for letting my dear friend die like this, and I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I will never be ignorant of heart disease again, it is NOT a peaceful death.

I feel so terrible, I've been crying since yesterday morning. Please offer any words you might have, even if it's criticism, I deserve it...

onyx'girl · 12-19-2011, 07:41 PM

I'm really sorry for your loss. Don't beat yourself up over this. Animals cannot tell us how bad they are suffering and they mask their pain out of instinct.
They try last as long as they can without showing their vulnerability and then it is too late sometimes for us to get vet care in time. Don't hate yourself, your compassion shows in this post how much you loved him. What was his name?

mysweetkaos · 12-19-2011, 07:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zaydi

Sorry in advance if this is long. It's actually about my 17 yr old cat passed who away yesterday morning, whom I've had since I was 7 years old, so its already terrible enough being without him after all this time. He was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism a little over a month ago. The vet said he probably also had heart disease. I got medication for his thyroid though, and within days he was back to his usual old self.
After a month of him being happy and healthy, or so it seemed, he stopped eating suddenly and it became hard for him to walk. I had to eventually give him water and paste food through a syringe. I knew that this was his heart failing and being as old as he was there wasn't much I could do to prolong his life anymore.
The next night, he couldn't move at all and just lay flat on the floor. His breathing was shallow and his heart beat was slow. I knew it would probably be his last night.
I THOUGHT he would go to sleep and never wake up. However, this was not the case. It turned out to be the worst night ever, and I only wished I took him to the vet before this night to have him put to sleep. I tried to get to the vet as they opened, but he ended up dying in my arms right as I went out the door.
Why didn't I just have him euthanized before his suffering? I hate myself so much for letting my dear friend die like this, and I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I will never be ignorant of heart disease again, it is NOT a peaceful death.

I feel so terrible, I've been crying since yesterday morning. Please offer any words you might have, even if it's criticism, I deserve it...

No criticism....MUCH sympathy. Please don't be hard on yourself. You could not have known how or when. You loved him and took care of him to the end. I am so sorry for your loss.

shannonrae · 12-19-2011, 07:43 PM

Oh, geez. I am sorry to hear this. Don't beat yourself up too much. He probobally became unconsious at some point and didn't actually feel any pain at the end.

When you don't understand your pets medical issues (as many owners do not) its easy to misjudge a situation. I believe your intentions were good and your kitty is not suffering anymore. Hope you feel better soon!

Kira81410 · 12-19-2011, 07:47 PM

You definitely do NOT deserve criticism. My beloved cat Trouble died when I was 13 of what we think was cancer of some kind. We were never sure. I had had this cat since I was born, I never knew life without him. So first off let me say that I am SO sorry for the loss of your dear friend...
Second let me say that you are not at fault here. You did everything that you could in order to make his life as comfortable as it could be given the situation. Death is never a predictable thing, and even though he was not doing well on the night before, there's no way you could have really known that it would be his last night. And making the decision to put a great friend like that to sleep is a tough one regardless of situation.
Once again, my deepest sympathy for the loss of your sweet boy.

wildwolf60 · 12-19-2011, 07:47 PM

Please don't beat yourself up.....you were thinking that he would pass away quietly in his sleep, with no stress from being taken to the vet. Hindsight is always 20/20- you thought you were doing the right thing. We can't always make things come out the way we want them to. I'm sure your cat understands what your thoughts were and even though he didn't pass away as peacefully as you had hoped, at least you were with him to the end. 17 years is a good, long life to have lived, and I'm sure you gave him a great one! You need to stop being so hard on yourself-I certainly don't hold it against you, why would your best friend, who you have taken care of for so long blame you for wanting a peaceful ending at home? As hard as it was for you to watch his last moments, I'm sure he realized that you were there with him. It probably made it easier for him even if you didn't see it. Just realize that he is in a better place now, and that he is sure to be waiting for you with happiness and love. Just remember the good times with him....you did your best and he knows that.

Stevenzachsmom · 12-19-2011, 07:47 PM

Oh Honey. I am so very sorry for your loss. Please don't beat yourself up over this. Everyone of us has a hard time figuring out if/when it is time to put our beloved pet to sleep. It seriously can be darned if you do and darned if you don't. I have sometimes wished I had done it sooner and I have sometimes wished I had let nature take its' course.

While not the peaceful death you wished for your cat, he did get to die in your arms. Personally, I don't think that is a bad way to go. He knew he was with you and that you loved him.

HUGS!
Jan

nicodemus · 12-19-2011, 07:54 PM

first off, hindsight is always 20/20.... the important thing is you were with him at the end, wich is more than i can say for my friend henry, the rescue cat we picked up from a petsmart who was one of the kindest old toms i ever met. we came home one day to find him under one of our kids beds, back legs useless, meowing in distress.... we thought he fell and hurt his hips, but the vet informed my wife ( i was at work ) he had a stoke , and there was nothing we could do for him i couldnt even be there to give him a last cuddle and tell him how much i loved him..... i cried for a day and a half over my buddy, and i dont even wanna imagine how hard it will be to say goodbye to my sweet azriel, who i have shared my life with for 8 years now.
there isnt anything i can say too make you feel better about what happend, these lil furry and hairy ppl we bring into our homes are as much a part of our families as our own kids, but you dont always make the right choices in life, and sometimes, bad things happen..... please dont beat yourself up too bad.

Zaydi · 12-19-2011, 07:58 PM

Thank you all for your kind words. His name was Frisky. I called him that when I was little because he was a very hyperactive kitten lol I do think he was unconscious, or at least his brain was turned off for the worst of it. He would still look at me with his eyes at one point, but then he starting convulsing and choking up blood and mucous. After that he didn't move his eyes anymore, only his heart was beating fast. So I really hope he didn't feel anything after

But I won't be able to get the images out of my head of the way he looked. I try to just think of the past 17 years when he was happy, but it may take a while to get over it.

Veronica · 12-19-2011, 08:15 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Like the others who have posted, my vet also says hindsight is 20-20. All those what ifs and wishing you'd taken a different path are really miserable. Even the vets don't always know the right course to take.

12-19-2011, 07:34 PM	#1 (permalink)
Zaydi Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: CA Posts: 26	I don't think I can hate myself more than I do right now Sorry in advance if this is long. It's actually about my 17 yr old cat passed who away yesterday morning, whom I've had since I was 7 years old, so its already terrible enough being without him after all this time. He was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism a little over a month ago. The vet said he probably also had heart disease. I got medication for his thyroid though, and within days he was back to his usual old self. After a month of him being happy and healthy, or so it seemed, he stopped eating suddenly and it became hard for him to walk. I had to eventually give him water and paste food through a syringe. I knew that this was his heart failing and being as old as he was there wasn't much I could do to prolong his life anymore. The next night, he couldn't move at all and just lay flat on the floor. His breathing was shallow and his heart beat was slow. I knew it would probably be his last night. I THOUGHT he would go to sleep and never wake up. However, this was not the case. It turned out to be the worst night ever, and I only wished I took him to the vet before this night to have him put to sleep. I tried to get to the vet as they opened, but he ended up dying in my arms right as I went out the door. Why didn't I just have him euthanized before his suffering? I hate myself so much for letting my dear friend die like this, and I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I will never be ignorant of heart disease again, it is NOT a peaceful death. I feel so terrible, I've been crying since yesterday morning. Please offer any words you might have, even if it's criticism, I deserve it...

12-19-2011, 07:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
onyx'girl Crowned Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: SW, MI Posts: 17,611	I'm really sorry for your loss. Don't beat yourself up over this. Animals cannot tell us how bad they are suffering and they mask their pain out of instinct. They try last as long as they can without showing their vulnerability and then it is too late sometimes for us to get vet care in time. Don't hate yourself, your compassion shows in this post how much you loved him. What was his name? __________________ Jane~ Kept by Onyx, Kacie and Gideon v Wildhaus aka Karlo

12-19-2011, 07:43 PM	#4 (permalink)
shannonrae Master Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Maine Posts: 606	Oh, geez. I am sorry to hear this. Don't beat yourself up too much. He probobally became unconsious at some point and didn't actually feel any pain at the end. When you don't understand your pets medical issues (as many owners do not) its easy to misjudge a situation. I believe your intentions were good and your kitty is not suffering anymore. Hope you feel better soon! __________________ Sydney(rescue)-Pit cross Birbo(rescue)-GSD Until we meet again . . . Bear(rescue)-GSD, my soul mate. Kai-(rescue)GSD, my forever baby. Kobie-Pomeranian, my tiniest dog with the biggest heart.

12-19-2011, 07:47 PM	#5 (permalink)
Kira81410 New Member Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 8	You definitely do NOT deserve criticism. My beloved cat Trouble died when I was 13 of what we think was cancer of some kind. We were never sure. I had had this cat since I was born, I never knew life without him. So first off let me say that I am SO sorry for the loss of your dear friend... Second let me say that you are not at fault here. You did everything that you could in order to make his life as comfortable as it could be given the situation. Death is never a predictable thing, and even though he was not doing well on the night before, there's no way you could have really known that it would be his last night. And making the decision to put a great friend like that to sleep is a tough one regardless of situation. Once again, my deepest sympathy for the loss of your sweet boy. __________________ The Crew: Allie- Golden Retriever (7-21-2010) Certified Cuddlebug Kira- WGSD (5-14-2011) Professional Wiggler Twitch- bunny

12-19-2011, 08:15 PM	#10 (permalink)
Veronica Elite Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: SW Michigan Posts: 1,243	I'm so sorry for your loss. Like the others who have posted, my vet also says hindsight is 20-20. All those what ifs and wishing you'd taken a different path are really miserable. Even the vets don't always know the right course to take. __________________ "Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog." -Charles F. Duran

12-19-2011, 07:47 PM	#6 (permalink)
wildwolf60 Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: USA Posts: 284	Please don't beat yourself up.....you were thinking that he would pass away quietly in his sleep, with no stress from being taken to the vet. Hindsight is always 20/20- you thought you were doing the right thing. We can't always make things come out the way we want them to. I'm sure your cat understands what your thoughts were and even though he didn't pass away as peacefully as you had hoped, at least you were with him to the end. 17 years is a good, long life to have lived, and I'm sure you gave him a great one! You need to stop being so hard on yourself-I certainly don't hold it against you, why would your best friend, who you have taken care of for so long blame you for wanting a peaceful ending at home? As hard as it was for you to watch his last moments, I'm sure he realized that you were there with him. It probably made it easier for him even if you didn't see it. Just realize that he is in a better place now, and that he is sure to be waiting for you with happiness and love. Just remember the good times with him....you did your best and he knows that.

12-19-2011, 07:47 PM	#7 (permalink)
Stevenzachsmom Knighted Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Maryland Posts: 2,494	Oh Honey. I am so very sorry for your loss. Please don't beat yourself up over this. Everyone of us has a hard time figuring out if/when it is time to put our beloved pet to sleep. It seriously can be darned if you do and darned if you don't. I have sometimes wished I had done it sooner and I have sometimes wished I had let nature take its' course. While not the peaceful death you wished for your cat, he did get to die in your arms. Personally, I don't think that is a bad way to go. He knew he was with you and that you loved him. HUGS! Jan

12-19-2011, 07:54 PM	#8 (permalink)
nicodemus Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: huntsville tx Posts: 29	first off, hindsight is always 20/20.... the important thing is you were with him at the end, wich is more than i can say for my friend henry, the rescue cat we picked up from a petsmart who was one of the kindest old toms i ever met. we came home one day to find him under one of our kids beds, back legs useless, meowing in distress.... we thought he fell and hurt his hips, but the vet informed my wife ( i was at work ) he had a stoke , and there was nothing we could do for him i couldnt even be there to give him a last cuddle and tell him how much i loved him..... i cried for a day and a half over my buddy, and i dont even wanna imagine how hard it will be to say goodbye to my sweet azriel, who i have shared my life with for 8 years now. there isnt anything i can say too make you feel better about what happend, these lil furry and hairy ppl we bring into our homes are as much a part of our families as our own kids, but you dont always make the right choices in life, and sometimes, bad things happen..... please dont beat yourself up too bad.

12-19-2011, 07:58 PM	#9 (permalink)
Zaydi Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: CA Posts: 26	Thank you all for your kind words. His name was Frisky. I called him that when I was little because he was a very hyperactive kitten lol I do think he was unconscious, or at least his brain was turned off for the worst of it. He would still look at me with his eyes at one point, but then he starting convulsing and choking up blood and mucous. After that he didn't move his eyes anymore, only his heart was beating fast. So I really hope he didn't feel anything after But I won't be able to get the images out of my head of the way he looked. I try to just think of the past 17 years when he was happy, but it may take a while to get over it.

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