Trying to say goodbye to Nasa.

[Kaity]

First of all, I know I might get a lot of crap and bad comments about this but please think twice about my loss and what I'm going through before any of you decide to come down on me if you're thinking about it, I already feel enough guilt and pain from this..

3 weeks ago I received a beautiful bengal boy and after a lot of hours of trying out new names on him, decided to call him Nasa - because he was MORE than what you'd expect just to be from Earth, he was amazing, magnificent, the most alien thing that has ever been in my life. Nasa was like no other.

I live in a condo on the fourth floor with a glass balcony but there is still a little bit of space under and on the sides. Nasa never had good balance as other cats and kittens did and he was 3 1/2 months. I woke up last Thursday sometime before noon, being told to stay where I was in bed by my boyfriend because all our pets were laying with us. So I went back to sleep for a few, woke up again and rolled over expecting to see Nasa's sweet face in front of me. I didn't. So I called him, and called him again and looked everywhere for him. Where could a kitten go within 600 square feet of open space? Under the couch? In a box? In the bathtub? Nowhere. On the neighbours balcony? No.. After searching for him for 5 minutes my boyfriend went outside and told me to be quiet because he could hear him.

This is the worst part, we heard him below the balcony. I thought maybe he fell to the 3rd or 2nd floor but he was on the ground floor. Finding him on the ground floor and knowing he had fallen 4 stories onto concrete because of MY negligence of cracking the sliding door just THAT much the night because.. I can't even explain this. Picked my baby up, he seemed so relieved to see me . Rushed him to the vet where they put him in an incubator and gave him some pain killers. Went home, waited a few hours then called the vet to check up on him. He seemed to have been doing better than when I first brought him in when his breathing was shallow, his belly looked weird, he fractured his hock and his gums were very pale and he was cold. The vet only told me he had contusions to his liver and lungs. He told me there was fluid in his lungs (so why wasn't it pumped out?) His temperature went up and his gums went back to normal and his breathing seemed eased in the incubator. I came back to the vet around 6pm to pick him up and discuss how he was progressing. The first vet never told me HOW serious this all was. I was so anxious to see my baby thinking that he was getting better and way too hopeful that he would make it. So we took him to the 24 hour emergency where I was told that his outcome didn't look so good to say the least and that the doctor was on strict instructions on what to do for Nasa and when to do it. Nasa was NEVER put in an incubator in emergency and I don't know why.. This really upsets me because if he was in pain from being taken out of it then going to 24 hour and soon as he got taken in the back room he started meowing why wouldn't they? I left after a bit and called a few hours later only to be told that a chest tap had just been done for him. Okay.. so if he had that procedure done that means not only was there air in the chest cavity where it wasn't SUPPOSED to be but it was LEAKING from the lung.

When I was just under two years old I had a one ton truck parked over my chest. I suffered a variety of things, and one of them being a collapsed lung due to fractured ribs. Nasa's x-rays from the 24 hour showed that he had 6-8 fractured ribs. So why wasn't a tube put in or surgery ordered to help this? 2 hours later I was called in and I knew.. you just know soon as your pets gone. I had picked up my phone to call the vet and see how he was about to hit send to dial when it started ringing. I went in and the doctor came in. The way he presented himself and the situation made it seem like Nasa was still with me. He came in the room, apologized for the entire situation and asked if I wanted Nasa brought in, or if I wanted to goto the back and see him. I went to the back, saw my baby laying on the table not hooked up to anything and halfway covered in a blanket. I looked at him, then looked at his eyes and that was it.

This is by the far the worst and most tragic and horrific situation I have ever been faced with. Why did I keep the door open? Why did I let him fight instead of holding him in my arms and putting him down.. I need to vent about this to somebody, anybody because for the past week I haven't been able to cope or live with myself. I don't want to be here, I want to be with Nasa without a doubt in my mind just to hold my baby again and if I could just breathe life back into him because he deserved it so much especially being so young.. he didn't deserve what happened to him. No animal does. MY negligence, my over looking a situation. How could I? How on earth could I let this great, beautiful life slip and literally just fall like that? WHY on earth was I blessed with Nasa to have him taken away? I can't help but wonder and only try to turn to faith that I don't believe in and keep trying to tell myself that God makes no mistakes..

It's not like I meant to do this by any means, not at all. I never intended on such carelessness on my behalf. And what has almost been as bad as loosing Nasa, was having to tell his breeder. My heart is empty, my home is now back to a house with no chance of recovery, ever. I do feel like a need another kitten in time, from the same breeder, from the same parents. And knowing that there is no chance of this ever happening is devastating. I can never even come close to having the same presence and love in my house and my heart as I had with Nasa. Nasa was 150% my "soul cat" I just wish I could have seen him bloom into a beautiful adult like he should have, had I only closed the door.

This is the e-mail that I received from the breeder, out of respect for her, I won't name her or her cattery.

"Kaity:

I received your email when you sent it. I've been too upset to communicate with you and I've been deeply grieving this needless tragedy.

I can only imagine the fear and pain that Nasa had to live through due to your negligence. Would you have left a human baby to toddle unsupervised onto your balcony? And if he had plunged to his death you would undoubtedly be arrested for negligence and child abuse. The fact that this was a kitten is no different - he was placed into your care and in your care he died one of the most horrible deaths I've ever heard of. How could you be so careless?

How long did Nasa lie broken and crying on the pavement before you woke up to realize he was missing? Why did you allow him to suffer for 12 hours at the vet clinic when there was obviously no hope of saving him? Why did you put him through so much pain??? I am sorry but I cannot help but tell you what I think and my heart is broken and my Mother and I have been grieving and crying. Yet your email seems so matter-of-fact. You think you can just replace Nasa just like that...like her was an object...he cannot be replaced. He is dead.

How could you have allowed this to happen? I am beyond words. I wanted to take a few more days to try and calm down and try and find a place of compassion before communicating with you. I was going to phone. But I just can't take the images anymore of him broken and crying. The images of him suffering at the vet. Where were you when he died? Why didn't you euthanize him and hold him in your arms when he passed and save him the suffering??? Do you have any idea how it feels to be in tremendous pain? When one minute seems like an eternity? Don't you understand how much he suffered? Don't you understand how heartbroken I am and how needless his death was?

Will I sell you another kitten? Never. I wouldn't have a moment's peace of mind. You are a negligent person who should never own a pet of any kind.

If I've misjudged you I am sorry. But that is how I feel. I am speaking out for Nasa who could not speak for himself. I will never forget how he would lie in my arms and look into my eyes so trusting. Like one soul speaking to another. Nasa was one of the sweetest kittens we've ever had. And when I entrusted him to you that means I trusted that you would have a minimum of common sense. That you would PROTECT him. You live in a 4th story apartment. Tell me...how on earth could you have allowed the balcony door to be open? And don't tell me it was an accident. I won't believe it. You said you thought he had crawled over to the neighbor's balcony. That tells me you were allowing him to play on the balcony. Even an adult cat should never be on a 4th floor balcony. Why didn't you keep the door locked??? Why didn't you put up an enclosure of screens or Plexiglas if you had to allow Nasa on the balcony?

You think a kitten is replaceable just like that. That money is no object. You killed Nasa through your negligence and I am trying very hard to forgive you but right now all I feel is anger and all I see are horrific images.

I would like the name of the veterinary who was looking after Nasa. That's the least you can do. Please send me the name of the vet clinic, the veterinary, and the phone number. I would like to phone them and discuss Nasa. After you send me the information, please tell the clinic that you have given your approval for Nasa's breeder to talk with the vet and that the vet can disclose all information."


Nasa, please rest in peace and know you were loved and still are loved very much. I miss you so much, and I can't tell you how sorry I am. I love you.

[blehmannwa]

What a horrible accident and that is what it was--an accident. The terrible thing about an accident is that you can always second guess yourself and think about what you could have done differently. But none of that is helpful. I'm sorry that your breeder was so harsh and I'm sorry for your loss.

[k_sep]

I would try not to focus on what the breeder said, she's obviously upset and speaking from a place of anger; hopefully when she realizes how ridiculously harsh she was, she'll apologize for being so rude for a mistake. You're obviously extremely broken up over this. Try not to beat yourself up over it, it was an accident and just focus on the positive time that you got to spend with your kitten, even if that time was short. My heart goes out to you and I hope you realize that it was just an accident. Forgive yourself and try not to be so hard on yourself.

[CarrieJ]

Kaity, Please delete the e-mail from the cattery. That's not a human being that DESERVES any more of your time. I'm sure that she's never ever ever made a mistake regarding vet care.
I'm sorry, for your terrible loss.
blehmannwa is spot on, it was a terrible accident. I hope that your grief and self loathing in time lessen and ease. Once again I'm very very sorry.

There but by the grace of God go I.
Hang in there.

[Kaity]

I understand she was and still is probably as torn up and angry as I am over this however, would you say something like this to somebody who has just lost their child? For all the mothers on this board, I don't know how you can compare your skin children to your fur kids but I know to myself, although I may be pregnant right now, my pets ARE my children. I care for them, if they need daycare they get it. Feed them, look after them take them EVERYWHERE that is socially acceptable without disrupting anybody else's space..

You may have read in another thread I recently posted how my family thinks my condo is too small for "so many" pets. 1 cat, 1 dog, a fish tank and previously a kitten.. One of them stated that everything happens for a reason and maybe (this one really ticks me off) just maybe, I had too much 'responsibility' on my plate with Nasa. Define responsibility, because I dedicate every last drop of blood sweat and tears to my pets and ALWAYS will.

I encouraged the breeder the let future and current owners of her pets know the dangers of balconies, windows (and stairs, as this could easily happen with a staircase as well.) To screen them or fence them in.. this happens so much especially in the summer it's called "high-rise syndrome" when we start leaving our windows and balconies open not thinking twice about the safety of our pets.

I appreciate your posts and condolences thus far. I really, really support to help get by this.. and I hope nobody here has gone through the same thing or ever has to. Please let my lesson, be yours.

As for asking for the possibility of another kitten.. given this situation, put yourself in the breeders shoes - would you? I'm just curious because I understand being rejected for it and how it seems selfish but I want to know how everybody feels about it and if you'd ask the same thing.

Thank you guys, so much.

[tracyaesaert]

Kaity, please do not blame yourself for this accident. You did all you could for your kitten (and all your other pets). As I do not have kids of my own, I look after my pets with all the care and with every fiber I have in me (eventhough, the GSD tried to get me down, I and she raised above it).

In all honestly, I would have done everything in my power to save that kitten (like you did) but as for the breeder I do understand her state of mind after it just happened. Soon she WILL realise that she was harsh and it was unfair to call you those names. Don't forget she took care of those kittens in the beginning and that must also not be easy to hear that one of those kittens has had a way to short life.

Be sure that you'll never ever make the same mistake again...

I am sorry for your loss and I do hope that eventually you'll get your peace of mind in what happened.

[annie]

I think you are very brave to post your experience here, and if it can helps others that is great. It was a terrible accident. The breeder is just upset.

[nitemares]

This breeder is hateful!! ignore her, it was an accident.
and i'm sorry but adult cats can be in the balcony. i have raised cats all my life, their balance is just amazing, only a cat thrown from the window would fall and die, most land on their feet and suffer no injuries, even from 6 floors up. (i volunteer at local shelter/hospital)

[clearcreekranch]

Let me just say that this is a horrible accident and I am so sorry for your loss. I have seen info. that reports that cats can right themselves and land on their feet from a fall, but it has to be a greater distance. I used to let my small dog and cat on a 2nd floor balcony when I was younger and didn't know any better. I have truly done some stupid things, some of which ended OK and some of which didn't. You can only truly learn from your experiences and do better next time.

Go adopt a cat from your local shelter as a tribute to Nasa. You will be more than blessed.

[LARHAGE]

The reality is this was an accident, it must be so hard for your breeder to accept it because she must be perfect, perfect people don't comprehend accidents. I know I personally have made a lot of mistakes in my life, one resulting in the death of a beautiful German Shepherd bitch that I adored, but unlike your breeder, mine was there to console me and share HER mistakes and accidents, we are human and learn by our mistakes, unfortunately, sometimes they are tragic, but believe me when I tell you that you will get over this, heartbroken and grief-stricken, but you will get over it and when you are able to get a new Bengal kitten you will be a wiser and better owner for this recent tragedy.

My sincere condolences to you, and just remember to tell yourself it was an accident, a horrible accident. I would NEVER go back to that breeder again, people who lack empathy and compassion lack character, hers was on display.