I am in complete and total shock...

[PiedPiperInKC]

I'm not communicating with anyone in my life right now - but for some reason I feel compelled to post on this board. There are some things that only German Shepherd owners can understand - so I guess I feel the need to share my story here. Forgive me if some parts of this sound like I'm "all over the board"...but a LOT has happened in the past 2 days and I'm having a very hard time processing it.

Many of you have seen me post on here last week about my beautiful, new, blue-eyed, 8-week old puppy, Kaiya, whom we welcomed to our family last Wednesday. Kaiya has come into our lives because we lost our beloved 7-year old female, Nikka on April 5th very tragically and unexpectedly. Our 9-year old male, Titan, just got his annual check-up 1 week ago and we were told he was the perfect picture of health. We knew that was probably the case as he still jumps several feet in the air to catch the frisbee and his play drive and energy level are as high as they've ever been.

Friday night, Titan developed bloat and we had to put our "Once In A Lifetime Dog" to sleep. I was - and still am - in shock. I was sitting in the exam room at the emergency vet clinic at 1am in the morning and looked at my husband 30 seconds before the vet walked in. I said "I hope there's not more meaning to this puppy coming into our lives than Nikka dying." She showed us the x-ray and his stomach had flipped completely over. I had to leave the room when she told us the news. I went out in the parking lot and rocked back and forth looking into the sky asking God "Why?" at least 1,000 times. I began pacing, hyper-ventilating, crying...I just lost it. Then the thunder came and it started raining when my husband came outside to share with me our options. (which were really none).

Luckily, they inserted a needle into his stomach to release some of the pressure to give us enough time to call our kids (who both still live at home) to come say goodbye to him. The kids grew up with him - and we thought we had at least 3 good years left. They didn't want to be in the room when it happened - but to see my 21-year old son and 16-year old daughter crying their eyes out as they sad their goodbyes just made my heart break even more.

That poor vet who had to inject him. I told her "You don't understand - we just lost our female 2 months ago! You don't understand - we just buried her 3 days ago! You don't understand - we just brought a new puppy home 2 days ago because she died! You don't understand - Titan just got a clean bill of health exactly one week ago! You don't understand - 2 hours ago he was jumping in the air catching the frisbee! You don't understand - EVERYONE who has ever met this dog has absolutely fallen in love with him...he's SO special....it just can't be his time to go yet!!" She must have thought I was a crazy woman - but I could tell that even though she's dones this hundreds of times - our story was really getting to her. She was starting to tear up and she told me she could tell how much we loved him and what a wonderful life we gave him. She also told me that this was the last, wonderful, most loving gift we could give him - as he wouldn't have to endure any pain from this awful condition. And with that...I knew it was time to let him go.

I can't tell you how much eye contact he made with me. One of the last things I said to him was "Titan...you're breakin' my heart, buddy. I guess you wanna' go be with Nikka than go through raising this puppy, huh? That's okay...you go find her...she'll be happy you're there." Even though it is all still such a blur - there are certain things I do remember. It was very quick, very peaceful and thank God I went with my instincts and we got him up there before he ever endured any real pain.

Titan was one of those AMAZING dogs that I will never own again in my lifetime. As much as I loved my Nikka - and I already love my little Kaiya - Titan was special. Sometime I would love to share with all of you the things he did that made him so special - I just can't 'go there' yet.

Titan's death is affecting me so differently than Nikka's. I don't want to see any pictures of him, I just threw away his food dishes and all of his toys before the trash collectors came today. I just DON'T want to do this again...not yet!!! It has taken me 2.5 months to finally get to a decent place with Nikka's death - and Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were 3 of the happiest days I've had in a long time bringing that sweet puppy home!! It was SO nice to replace those tears with joy...and I LOVED seeing Titan with the new little baby. It is just SO unfair that God chose NOW to take him from us. I do NOT want to create another photo album, I do NOT want to go pick up another box of ashes, I do NOT want to order another grave stone and I do NOT want to go through the grieving process again....not now....IT'S JUST TOO SOON!!!

What I will say is this. God obviously had a plan when he put Kaiya in our lives. I called my breeder 3 days after Nikka died as I had heard she was no longer in the business - but I wanted to tell her about Nikka and ask if she was still breeding. As it turns out, she had decided to get back into it on a limited basis and her 1st litter in 2 years was due in 2 weeks. We went out and visited the mom and we absolutely fell in love with her! A male & 2 females were already spoken for. Normally, I would've put a deposit down right then and there to make SURE I got one of those puppies. For the 1st time in my life - I decided to leave something to fate. I told her it was SO soon after Nikka died - that if it was meant to be it will happen. I told her to call me if she has a female left in the litter after they are born that wasn't spoken for. When the litter was born there was 1 male and 3 females - the last female was not spoken for! (I got this call from the breeder on the same day I got the call that Nikka's ashes were ready to be picked up).

We went out to visit the litter on June 3rd when they were 6 weeks old. That's when I noticed their BEAUTIFUL coloring!! I had never heard of a blue GSD - but 3 of the 4 pups were blues! It was the mom's 1st litter and she had no idea dad carried the gene, too. This made them all the more special! We had always had 1st pick of the litter with Titan and Nikka - this time we had last pick. We decided when we went out that if we saw one we really liked - we wouldn't show it (this was our strategy!) To make a long story short...we fell in LOVE with one little puppy - as she had Nikka's spunk!! Her personality was more playful and spunky than the other 3 by a long shot. We knew, of course, that she wouldn't be ours. We waited until the others left and I asked the breeder "So we have last pick, correct?" She said "No, actually you get 2nd pick now due to some issues that have come up with my other buyers...let me guess which one you want???" So needless to say...we got our 1st pick after all!!

Kaiya is the perfect mix of Titan and Nikka's personality. It's like she's this beautiful, blue-eyed ANGEL that has been given to us to ease our pain of losing BOTH dogs in such a short timespan. My husband has already told several people "If this puppy wasn't here, Christine would be curled up in a ball in bed right now thinking of nothing but Titan. Kaiya is forcing her to engage in life."

The fact that so many unique circumstances have led her to us AND the fact the SHE is so unique herself...it all seems that a higher power is at play. She has had only 1 accident since Wednesday, she's never whined when I crate her at night and last night she slept from 11:30pm to 6:30am! She is always at my feet, follows me everywhere I go and she also is SO happy and energetic that she even had the power to make the 4 of us laugh the morning after we put Titan to sleep. She's our saving grace right now!!

Thank you for letting me share on here. I have lots of pictures and Nikka's story on her photo album on my Facebook page if any of you would like to read it. My Facebook page is: http://www.facebook.com/christine.b.barbour#!/ Please let me know you saw this post if you decide to friend me - so I accept. I'll also post a couple of pics taken of Titan and Kaiya for the 2.5 days they spent together...even though it is going to be hard. Titan and Nikka are in my avatar.

[Lilie]

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss.

[DWP]

I am truly sorry to hear of your traumatic time. There are many here who will red your post and reply, many more will read and not reply, but know we all feel for you and your family. Peace be with you.

[Jax08]

Oh Christine. I have no words.

[marshies]

May Titan rest and peace.My thoughts are with you and your family.
I can't imagine what it is like to lose 2 dogs at once, and hope that your puppy will pull you out of Titan's death like she did the first time.

[DanielleOttoMom]

Oh I'am just so sorry for you and your loss. It was to close together.

[Sunstreaked]

Thank you for sharing that story. I can barely see to type and can't speak past the lump in my throat. My thoughts are with you and your family.

[Freestep]

I'm so, so sorry. You don't sound like a crazy woman at all. I can't imagine losing two beloved pets in such a short time. Hugs to you.

[JakodaCD OA]

I am so very very sorry as well, and also shocked to read this, last post I read, were the pics of the Titan and the puppy looking so cute together((

Hugs and prayers to you all, and your right, Kaiya has been brought to you for a reason.

[rjThor]

I am so sorry for your loss, not once but twice, i'm at work, and your story was from the heart, and nothing wrong with wanting to share with your friends, especially if it helps you with the grieving process. My first GSD, passed when I was 16, and he was very special and will never be replaced, but I will always remember n carry all the great times my buddy n I had as I was growing up, he did wonders for me as a child, and then as a young man. I feel your pain, but yet I want to thank you for sharing with us. Once again my condolences for your loss, and I feel your pain.