Emotional Rollercoaster: Jasmine

[JazzNScout]

One day I'm doing this; the next I'm doing that. I made the appt with the vet for tomorrow at 3:30 to say goodbye to Jasmina. Last night she did not have a good night at all. I come home from work today -- She is still lying in the a/c on the tile in front of the fan, where she's been spending several hours every day. She doesn't want to get up. I don't push it.
Then I open the front door. Her favorite thing is to lie at the screen door and watch the world go by. So she drags herself up to her feet and walks incredibly awkwardly, like her legs are brand new, to the door.
I give Jasmine more pain meds and some meat treats. A neighbor visits. Suddenly, Jas wants to show off her bones. She picks one up and throws it against the glass door. She grabs her ball. She wags her tail. When Scout comes near, she acts like she's going to bite his head off and maybe take his tail, too.
She's back at the door barking at things. She hasn't barked in days.
So of course, I'm thinking I'm not putting her down if she feels like this. I think I'll take her for her appt anyway and perhaps get an eval and talk to the vet.
I'm going crazy. I want so much to do the right thing by my girl. It is so hard.

[lucymom]

Oh that sounds awful!! I'm so, so sorry. Is she ill, old?

It is the hardest decision to make, we look for indications that it's the right time and sometimes there is no question. Then they have a bit of spark and we have to regroup.

We do anticipatory grieving which causes it's own emotional rollercoaster, and we anticipate the horrible moment that we know is coming and the grief to follow. Sometimes we wish our dog would let go on their own, in their sleep, but they rarely do.

It is a price to pay, the love we have, is that their fates fall in to our hands not only for their whole lives, but at the end too, and nobody wants to play God. But we must.

When I've had dogs who were very ill, or very old and in pain, I felt awful that at times I wanted the horrible anticipation to end and for the real grief to start, the limbo was terrible, but the truth was, I just wanted them to be okay, and they were not. I've had dogs wag their tail on the way to the vet as they liked the car.

You don't have to decide now. You can take her to the vet for a check, take her home, make her feel comfortable and loved and take it day by day if you want.

The thing about dogs is, no matter how bad they feel, they can often find simple joys even in the worst of times. It's a lesson I try to bring to my life every day, as my dogs have taught me that.

I can tell you love her very much.

Remember this--any decision made with such love is the right one.

[HeidiW]

It is a tough thing to decide, my last girl laid around all day long for months and just relaxed, but certain things made her peppy to.

I waited for along time and still was not sure I did the right thing.

[Strana1]

I have no advice for you, it is way too personal, but you have my thoughts and prayers. I lost my heart dog last year and I know how much it hurts.

[gbocrafty]

I read your earlier posts about the cancer. It is the meds that are making her feel better.

My dane died after surgery for the same kind of cancer. The only thing against him was his age. (13) He kept going into cardiac arrest and the vet couldn't stabilize him.

If I had know the morning of surgery-which he felt great-that would be the last time I would see him alive- I would have chosen the date and time for him to go to the bridge.

It would be a very horrible death-if a rupture occurs both for Jasmine and you.

I was a basket case for weeks afterwards. This dog was my companion since he was 6 months old ( rescue)

I know it is extremely hard for you at this time and my heart goes out to you.

[lucymom]

Jazz,

I just went back to read your earlier posts and see you are fighting hemangio, which was what Lucy had and died from on Christmas, 2008. Her spleen ruptured and I opted to go ahead with the surgery or she would have died--she was healthy before that, and vibrant and strong at age 10 and a half. She did great with the surgery, recuped quickly.

I did the chemo despite the gloomy progosis--I wanted more time if it was GOOD time for her. She lost her appetite but still managed to gain weight (I learned to cook what she liked) and three months later, had clean ultrasounds and was acting like a pup.

Two days later, she had a massive bleed from a tumor hiding someplace in her abdoment. I spent Christmas making two trips to the emergency vet before they came to the conclusion I knew--she was bleeding out.

By the time I was able to be with her to say goodbye, she was so weak, I just laid with her.

My plan HAD been to keep an eye on her with ultrasound and do follow up oral chemo. If tumors were found, we'd end things on our terms, as horrible at it was, at a place of our choosing, not the vet floor.

I did not get to do that and I feel robbed of the last moment Lucy and I had to spend together was not the way it should have been--at our special place with friends near.

Hemangio is a sneaky, awful disease. It not only makes your dog sick but it robs you of peace of mind and any sense of control.

You must do what is right for YOU and your dog. As you know, the outlook is not good. A rupture could be traumatic for you as it would entail her needing fast trip to the vet. There are conflicting bits of info as to the level of pain and suffering a dog has after a rupture. Lucy was just....very weak and tired and fadiing.

If a rupture happens when you are not home---you can come home to .....heartbreak and an emergency. I've read that some people just sit with their dogs while they slowly pass, and others who get to the vet. Either option stinks.

Have a heart to heart with your vet---and as horrible as it is, perhaps look at the possible scenarios and choose the one that you can best live with.

I am so, so sorry--it's a dreadful disease and takes a terrible toll on the people too. It breeds guilt and worry and hypervigilance and we know the whole time what the outcome will be.

Cherish her in these days. Please get support--sounds like your husband loves her too, shower her with love and know how fortunate you have been to have her and KNOW that as awful as the grief is, the love they give us can warm us on a cold night when they are gone, that is how strong it is.

I have gotten great support from a canine grief online group, but that too, is a personal decision.

My thought are with you for courage and peace for you all.

[middleofnowhere]

Yes, this is hard.

She might be saying "Not yet" She might just be saying "Remember me this way" See how she is when the time rolls around. Talk to her about it, too. This is one time when I really wish I was more confident that I understood them fully.

The vet can take an ultra sound and see how she's doing internally, the vet can also tell you if she's bleeding out. One question I ask the vet when I am uncertain "What would you do if it were your dog?" When BT Younger was again bleeding out, I asked if there was any point in letting her die naturally (she would have gone within 24 hours). No, there was no point, she would just be miserable. Instead, we euthanized her there, near BT Elder who had rallied a couple of days earlier.

My wishes and thoughts are with you.

[APBTLove]

I know exactly what you are going through, as I am going through it right now with Dutch. We, and the vet, are pretty sure she has cancer, she has at least 4 tumors, one on her chest wall, one in her abdomen, one near a breast, and one tiny one on her leg.
She has days where she limps, tail tucked, and cries at times, but then after we made a decision and date to get it over with, several times, she bounced back and began acting 8 years younger, and we feel incredibly guilty about it, knowing had we put her down she wouldn't have enjoyed that wonderful day snoozing in the sun and chasing her ball into the water.

[APBTLove]

Just to add, there is no easy choice here, I know what I think is I will feel terrible, even more so with a dog who's days you know are up, if we put her down, thinking she'd of had some more good days left.

When we put Mo down he was probably 45lbs, wouldn't eat unless you hand fed tiny amounts, fell over many times a day and cried in pain, especially when we had to help him up, he was getting blind and bit me once from not seeing who I was, but he wasn't in real pain like a disease will cause, he was just wasting away. He went one nice day on our front porch, with his family loving on him and the vet gently putting him to rest.


This is a very personal decision, and my personal thought is it is best to give her as much comfort as humanly possible, and lead her across the bridge before she meets a less dignified end.
Just make sure she is in her favorite spot when it happens... We had very little choice about putting our pit down, she went to the vet and got it done, she was lucky it wasn't in a cold cell at AC, and I really wish it could have happened here, so she wouldn't be scared...

[JazzNScout]

Thank you for all of your words. They really helped me.
I tried to give Jasmine the perfect day today. I fed her raw red meat, gave her a good marrow-filled bone to chew on, and opened the front door (w/the a/c on) so that she could do her favorite thing and lie at the screen door and watch the world in front of her. Then I took her for a walk at her favorite place in the world, and we rested by a tree. When we got back, my husband made her two beef hotdogs and wouldn't let me have one. Then Jasmine snoozed on the Persian rug, which we are always trying to keep her off of.
I took her to her vet appointment and talked in depth with the vet. The vet confirmed that her tumor could burst in 24 hours or 3 weeks, but that it would eventually burst and it would be ugly. The vet reminded me that the cancer is not Jasmine's only issue. She also has arthritis, spondylosis, hip dysplasia.
Jasmine groaned and moaned and looked back at me the whole time the vet was talking.
So, we went ahead and I said goodbye to her at 3:30 today. As soon as she was sedated, I knew deep in my heart that I was doing the right thing.
I will miss her terribly.
Thank you all again. You have helped me through this terribly difficult time, and I know you all understand. And I am sorry for those of you going through similar problems with your wonderful dogs.