Need some feedback

[dogsnkiddos]

The vet felt (since we never got to the oncologist- that appointment was to be this morning) that Beast had ALL (an aggressive form of leukemia). Everything has happened SO quickly that I never had time to really look into things as much as i needed to- i had to care for Beast and had little time for research. Now I have all this guilt and feel like he should still be here...because maybe it WAS erlichiosis. I was reading about ALL to try to understand what happened and why and again and again it says that erlichiosis can be misdiagnosed as ALL. Beast had clear xrays - nothing on chest or abdomen at all. He had slightly enlarged lymph nodes at the back of his knees (but he had a birth defect related to his knees that may have made those simply more prominent in general- per the evaluating vet). He had a very high fever that went down shortly to still high and then right back up. He was lethargic. He had not eaten in days and had no interest in food (we offered canned food, yogurt, ice cream, broth, etc). The one time we got food in him he vomited it out with way more than had gone in. He vomited brown and red blood all day yesterday. He stumbled when he walked and would fall in a heap. His breathing was labored and he panted in hour long sessions. He was drooling uncontrollably. Yesterday morning I sent him out to potty and he barked at the neighbor dog two doors down. He did not eat but he walked and when I kissed his lips they felt cool. He went down quickly from there.

They had sent him home with doxycycline which did not stay down. He was so very sick but there seemed to be no treatment happening. What if it WAS erlichiosis and starting a treatment would have helped? Instead he has lost his life.... what happened to my Beast?

[Emoore]

Have you considered a necropsy?

[dogsnkiddos]

I can't...I held his body and snuggled it...I know it is illogical, but I can't have him dissected like a lab experiment. The respectful treatment of his body is so much more to me than anything else.
I have cried all night. I have rubbed the skin raw around my eyes. I am so so sad. All night I was sure I heard him shifting positions and sighing. I kept waiting for him to some to be and snuggle. Is is so awful. This is the worst of all of them so far. I wonder who will bring in his toys from the yard )only he knows where he hid them). I wonder who will meet me at the door when I come in. I worry about the Boy who saw Beast as his only friend (it is socially isolating to be a genius). I worry about Girl- Beast alerted to her breathing stoppages where monitors never could. What now?????
Most of all I feel I failed my Beast.

[Daisy&Lucky's Mom]

I understand your feelings. You did all you could. I think when we lose someone,dog,child or loved one we keep asking what could we do differently. No one expects to lose their 5 yearold indomitable beast. You had an appt to deal w/ the possibility of cancer ,he was in the study. If someone has heart disease its real hard for the medical world to look beyond that, I can only imagine how you feel and beast was a wonderful helpmate w/ your children. Its ok to question its how we learn. Beast I believe would not want you blame yourself. As I read your posts you did alot of prevention.You did what you could do. I think people who have more expertise can help more then I. My heart goes out to you and your family.

[cta]

again, i'm really sorry for the loss your family has suffered. i completely respect your opinion to not have the necropsy and understand why you would not want it done. i have yet to go through this type of situation, but with these animals being family members and truly being the loves of our lives, we really want the best for them (even after they pass). please take care of yourself and your family and try not to beat yourself up. this response is natural, especially since it happened so suddenly. there will always be the "what ifs" and "why didn't i???" please know that you did what you could for him. i'm really at a loss for words because i was devastated to read your posts...i just can't imagine how you are feeling right now. remember the good times and when you are ready, maybe there will be a baby beast in your future so your family can create more amazing memories. take care and know that we are all thinking of you and your family.

[JeanKBBMMMAAN]

If you will not do a necropsy, then you need to make an agreement with yourself that you will not blame yourself based on some pet owner google searches. CAN NOT.

I am being directer and harsher than I normally would because this will drive you batty and you don't deserve that.

I am so sorry.

[wyominggrandma]

You can't blame yourself. Don't "what if",it will make it worse. It sounds as if Beast had something going on that even drastic measures probably could not help. Vomiting blood usually means there is bleeding going on in the stomach that an xray would not show. You gave 100% to Beast when he needed it, did not wait and see if he felt better, you gave him support and security when he needed it. Sounds like his body just could not fight whatever was attacking him.

[1sttimeforgsd]

Please try not to blame yourself, I will keep you in my prayers.

[dogsnkiddos]

Thank you for your words. They are comforting. I feel like I let him down even though we did everything directed and tried to get him help. The vet did say they saw cancer cells in the blood so I guess I have to feel like that was it and let it all go. He told me anything else...lyme, erlichiosis, etc would have been secondary to this. I guess I will have to accept it and begin to heal.

Thanks again all.

[arycrest]

Don't beat yourself up thinking you should have done this or should have done that. You did everything you could do for Beast, followed the vets instructions as best you could, you can't ask anything more of yourself than that.

While I respect your decision not to have a necropsy, it's the only resource now available to answer your "what if" questions. I've only had one done on a Hooligan, when Too, one of the best dogs I've ever owned, suddenly dropped over dead. So yes, I understand the pain you go thru when making this difficult decision. FWIW in the long run getting the necropsy results made me feel better knowing what killed her.