Need some feedback

[Good_Karma]

Please, please don't torture yourself with what ifs! He was suffering, badly. You made the choice based on the information that was available to you. That's all any of us can do.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[LisaT]

IF it was a tick disease, those can lead to cancer, which might have been the reason for that elevated VDi result. It could have been both.

Whatever it was, it was an advanced stage. Even with erhlichia, in that stage, it's very dire with very very very very slim odds. At that stage, I would say that survival is the rare exception rather than the rule. Ehrlichia (or ehrlichia like organisms), like cancer, is a killer for a reason.

My girl died from a lesion on the brain stem. Best bet is that it was Bartonella, though it could have been Lyme. I could not stop it. Some things are so wicked and even with all our fancy medicine, we sometimes don't have tests to tell us what is happening, or the ability to treat it. Knowing is better because then you know, but very often it changes nothing in terms of outcome.

Whatever got Beast, was wicked and evil and cruel, and was beyond response to treatment. You will probably ask this question over and over for a very long time, and it will be difficult to come to terms with, the not knowing exactly *what* it was (been there ). But do know this, in Beast's advanced state, you did not fail him. Whether it's cancer or tick disease, they are both killers, in spite of aggressive treatment. His body was not able to accept any treatment, and there was nothing that you could have done.

[LisaT]

Continuing...

I do feel bad posting that information, I didn't realize that Beast was that advanced, and any doubt at this time is doubt that will eat you alive if you don't keep it in check somehow. I am sorry that I added to that!

When things happen like this, so sudden, it is such a physical and emotional shock. Please find a way to be kind to yourself. While you have no blame in this, I can feel the blame you are giving yourself, and you have to find a way to resolve this, since this guilt is entirely misplaced. This guilt is really just an intense desire to have them back, to be able to touch them again

When Indy passed, to help with the grief and guilt, UConnGSD recommended the following for me. It really helped then, and if I start getting into a funk, I still use it.

She recommended that I use two Bach remedies - Star of Bethlehem for grief, and Pine for guilt.

I got a separate small dropper bottle from the health food store and put some purified water, and put 5 drops of each in it. Throughout the day, take 4 drops.

[Hrachia]

I agree with what every one said about not going into the "what if's" It does take a huge toll on you and it could lead to depression in the long run. Remember the good times with him, and the best you gave him. You did everything you could do.

[LisaT]

Originally Posted by dogsnkiddos

... The vet did say they saw cancer cells in the blood so I guess I have to feel like that was it and let it all go. He told me anything else...lyme, erlichiosis, etc would have been secondary to this.

I think, combined with the blood cancer screen number that you had, is pretty definitive . I would hold on to this when you start doubting if there is anything more you could have done.

[dogsnkiddos]

thank you Lisa- please know that nothing you said contributed to my mental mess. When Beast went in I asked for tick tests...before I posted here (I called the vet in advance of my husband going there and gave pretty detailed instructions for what my expectations were)- so I had that in my mind. After all was said and done I wanted to understand how it could have happened so fast- so I started to read about the cancer the vet thought he had- that was where I started reading about erlichiosis being confused for cancer and I felt all this guilt- like I should have been pushing for ...what??? I am trying to make peace with it all. It is very hard. I don't think I realized just how MUCH Beast was a part of every single part of my life. I thought the loss of Old Bitch would be the hardest thing ever- I raised her from puppy and saw her through a lifetime of health problems...she was my heart dog....but it turns out THIS is a million times more difficult.

[JakodaCD OA]

again, I am so very sorry

I agree with Lisa, it sounds like no matter what was going on with him, it was very advanced and you can't blame yourself

I do know, living in the middle of "lyme disease", my vet has told me there are many dogs that come down with a tick disease, that show absolutely no clinical signs at all, and go straight into organ failure, by that time it's just to late.

I am sure we all have blamed ourselves and second guessed ourselves at one time or another, but honestly, we really shouldn't. We all do the best with our animals and I know you did to.

Again, I am so sorry for the void he's left.

[Jax08]

Have you considered grief counseling? For all of you?

You need to repeat this to yourself...

You did not fail Beast. You gave him Boy to love. Girl to slobber on. You gave him sticks to carry. You gave him understanding of who he was without 'changing' him. You gave him family. You did not fail Beast. You loved him. You cherished him. And in return, he cherished each and every one of you. Beast will be happily waiting for you, with a slobbered covered stick.

[LisaT]

Originally Posted by dogsnkiddos

thank you Lisa- please know that nothing you said contributed to my mental mess. When Beast went in I asked for tick tests...before I posted here (I called the vet in advance of my husband going there and gave pretty detailed instructions for what my expectations were)- so I had that in my mind. After all was said and done I wanted to understand how it could have happened so fast- so I started to read about the cancer the vet thought he had- that was where I started reading about erlichiosis being confused for cancer and I felt all this guilt- like I should have been pushing for ...what??? I am trying to make peace with it all. It is very hard. I don't think I realized just how MUCH Beast was a part of every single part of my life. I thought the loss of Old Bitch would be the hardest thing ever- I raised her from puppy and saw her through a lifetime of health problems...she was my heart dog....but it turns out THIS is a million times more difficult.

[WVGSD]

Two years ago I lost an adopted 6 year old Golden Retriever to ALL in just about one week's time. He went downhill quickly and I lost him long before I was emotionally ready to do so. With no options, I held him in my arms and sent him to the Bridge.

I share your loss and am sending comforting thoughts and prayers. We did the best that we could for these boys.