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Will I Eventually Feel The Bond...?

4K views 33 replies 19 participants last post by  njk 
#1 · (Edited)
Hello All! I am relatively new to the forums, though I have lurked for nearly a year :) Well, I have a gorgeous German Shepherd mixed puppy, and I got her at 8 weeks old. She is now currently 10 months old, and is in her heat, but that is not in topic. I had gotten her as a present from my family, and I was so surprised to see her. I felt I was ready for a dog, but a puppy was a different story.

I tried my very hardest, made sure she was fed the right amount, fed and walked when I was unable, I kept her by my side, followed her when she left the room, and I tried very hard to bond with her. You see, I have lost contact with all my previous friends, and things have been hard in my family, so I had been longing for something to lighten the mood, and I have wanted my own dog for years now. At first I tried to force the bond, and soon it just became hard. I started to dislike being around her, and even the day after I had gotten her I did not wake up excited to take care of her as I thought I would be after getting a new puppy. I probably sound like a terrible person now! I looked up online and it all said eventually I will start feeling the connection and never wanna be away from her, and that was when she was 4 months.

She is now 10 months old as I mentioned before, and I still feel no bond or connection, and she just does not fit our lifestyle. On the other hand, she has every quality I want in a dog: athletic build, fast, water lover, very loving (although overwhelming at times), and not that this matters much, she is beautiful. I don't want to keep her with us if she just is not the right fit, but the thought of her leaving does make me sad a little bit. I just always groan when I have to take care of her, and that just sounds so wrong. We have two other family dogs and I take care of them with joy, but I just don't know... I have not yet been able to take her to training classes because things have come up that have sucked up a substantial amount of money. I am trying to set aside money to get her to training classes to see if it will work, but I do not feel the need if she just is not right for me or my family.

To make things simple, will this bond ever arrive? Does it take this long? How long has it taken you in the past to develop a connection with your dog? ANY advice is very much appreciated. Thank you so much for any help, and for reading my long rant! :)
 
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#2 ·
I got my poodle the next day after putting down my cocker spaniel, between her being a nightmare to housetrain and being a very nervous clingy dog and me still dealing with my grief I was very much closed off to her. I admit it now but at the time I would have denied it vehemently, I liked having a dog and caring for her. I liked her but I did not love her, caring for and training her was a duty not a joy. But after a few months I realized how unhappy I was making myself and focused on the positive.

I started to look at her truthfully and point out her strengths rather than focus on her weaknesses. I really put effort into finding things that she liked and adding those in rather than just focusing on what I wanted at all times and having her tag along.

Bonds can happen overnight or they can take a while, don't put a timeline on it. GSD puppies especially seem to really be a nightmare for the first year but there is hope and with training and consistency they really do shine and become wonderful dogs :) But in the end if you truly don't feel like the dog belongs and is happy then it might be best to help her find a home that will love and care for her in the way she needs.
 
#3 ·
I have had many dogs over the years, german shepherds/mixes/aussies..I have felt and experienced that special bond with all of them.

What Shanna said is true, but I would add, if you think this dog is not a good fit for you or your lifestyle , find a home where she will fit in , now, before she gets older and harder to place.
 
#4 · (Edited)
I really dont know what to tell you. I spend a good chunk of my days developing a relationship with dogs and a working raport with them and the majority of the time is spent selling myself to the dog and not the other way around.

I think maybe your dog is a burden to you, either because it isnt behaving or because the two of you dont share activities you both enjoy together, and all youre left with is taking care of the dogs basic needs and cleaning up after the messes it makes. If this is the case you may never have that bond if you dont go out to actively try to create it through a working relationship in which you are getting something back.

Whenever I get a really annoying dog coming through here that I dont like I try to isolate all the things I find annoying about them and get rid of those behaviors or add behaviors where applicable. More so than that I generally try to make an effort to hang out with them more outside of actual training and develop a relationship where the dog at least really likes me even if I kind of want to strangle them.

And you know what? By the end a lot of those dogs I hated ended up some of the hardest dogs to say bye to at the end. When all the annoyances are eliminated and the games and relationship are developed what you have left is a good dog that is on the same page with you. Sympatico. Then all thats left is transfering that to the owner, and thats when magic happens.

Its a cliche but you get out of those things what you put into them. Taking care of the basic needs of a dog gets you a dog that is basically alive. It doesnt get you a relationship.
 
#5 ·
I hear what you are all saying. I tried really hard to "sell myself" to my dog Ballif. And I took good care of her, but it was just never fun. A burden as you stated. I like her, but don't love her in a way, but the idea of re-homing her saddens me. I want what is best for her, not for me, so if giving her to a better home is better for her then she will be re-homed. For now, I am going to look into training classes, and I will look at only the positives in her, and try to just spend more time with her. I know I can do better. Thank you for the advice!
 
#7 ·
Obedience work really helps. I would also consider enrolling in something like agility or nosework because DOING something with your dog really seems to help build the bond.

I struggled and it took longer with Beau as he is very independent but something clicked ...and now we have such a strong bond, people notice it and comment on it. .... He was over a year. To my defense.....Once I got him my two older dogs quickly got sick with some age related problems and I had my hands full with him, two sick dogs, and my disable mother so all he got for awhile was the basic care and basic training........
 
#8 · (Edited)
This is a tough one, she certainly does not sound hard done by, can you get over not having a deep bond yet give her a fabulous life? You may never have a bond with her and as long as you know that you can work with your feelings.
Sometimes for whatever reason people just dont connect, they cant. My fiance is 100% bonded with shiggs, I am not. I care for her and provide her the absolute best I have to offer she gets the same treatment that my other 2 do but I am deeply attached to my other 2 far more then her. Maybe you will have a moment were the puzzle peices line up and fit or maybe you will not but if you are committed to her then you can move past how you feel.

As other forum members suggested put her in a activity you can do with her.

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#9 ·
I try to give her a fabulous life, I just do not enjoy it. But I just want her to be happy. I try to treat her like the diva she is! I am not just neglecting her cause I do not feel a bond. I take great care if I can say that about myself. I think she would be amazing in agility! I am not kidding... she runs like a pro, her figure is as if she has done agility her whole life, and she learned to jumper after 10 minutes! I normally just go outside with her 45 minutes a day, and a walk once or twice a week. And then of course the times I feed her.
 
#10 ·
This can happen when a dog is given as a present. You tried your best for 8 months. It's not fair to you and the dog. Find her a home where they love and want her. You need to take your time to make sure she is safe. A friend of mine did just that and put the dog in the paper. When the first person called she realized that she didn't want to part with her and the bond happened right then. They are good together now since the last ten years. Another friend got a puppy as a present and never liked the dog really but didn't want to hurt the giver and lived 14 years with this dog. Do what is in your heart.
 
#11 ·
If I do decide she is not right for me, she will not step foot in a shelter, and if I can not find a trust worthy friend or family member she will go on craigslist with an application, and extensive list to adopt her. I will make sure she goes to the right home. If I do decide she is not right for me. Yes, I know it is because she was a present. I specifically said too, "I wanna pick a dog from the shelter." I wanted to the see the dog and instantly feel that connection, and just know he/she was the one. Instead, they go on craigslist and have my sister pick her out and then I come home from a trip and she is just there. They had her a for 2 days already, so I was the last person in the family she met... Not ideal... I just think things started off bad, so things evidently got worse. Like having a bad morning makes you have a bad day. If I do re home her getting another dog is out of the picture in my family... that will not be an excuse to keep her, just to have a dog, but it is sad that she would be my last dog until I move out of... Uhh, I just do not know what to do now. I had decided what to do, and then more people commented and now I am lost again! Haha, thanks for all the advice though! I appreciate so much, and am really taking it all into consideration.
 
#12 ·
If you do decide to rehome her, I would contact local rescues (not shelters). Craigslist is extremely hit or miss, a good rescue will have foster homes and extensive screening processes for potential adopters along with potential waiting lists
 
#13 ·
She will NEVER enter a shelter. Ever. That is 125% out of the question. Craigslist is my last resort. I did think of a rescue. I would say family or friends are first, then rescue a close second. Craigslist is a last resort, and shelter- Never. This is all 'if'. I still do not know what to do. I think I am just gonna see what happens at this point. I am going to take all the great advice and use it. I hope things work out.
 
#14 · (Edited)
It took me a few months to bond with my female GSD and I was concerned it wouldn't happen . Once all the training started clicking the bond began. We now have a very strong bond, but I had to open up to it and learn how to enjoy this ball of energy. She taught me how to smile at silly things. Some people will even say that I favor her out if all my dogs . I don't feel I do, but she still makes me smile, she is obedient and we have never looked back at potty training issues once she got it. I would not trade her for the world.
 
#15 ·
When I brought Shadow home she was never supposed to stay. But something about her just touched me. She has never been a 'normal' dog so everything about her was work. When she was around 8 months old, my older dog was diagnosed with DM and poor little Shadow sort of got pushed into the background. First the frantic and desperate fight to keep Sabi's symptoms at bay, then the rage and grief at her inevitable death, and finally the pain and heartbreak of her passing and me learning to live without her.
In the end I was left with a 3 year old dog who had basically spent her whole life being feed, walked and trained. We had never connected, I never gave her a chance.
I stepped back and did some soul searching. I love this little girl, I cannot imagine not having her here. So I made a concentrated effort to find a connection. I set aside 15 minutes each day, aside from her training and care, aside from the husband, kid and other dog, just 15 minutes to be with her. Sometimes we cuddle, sometimes we wrestle, sometimes we play tag but it's 15 minutes that is all about us.
Shadow is 3 1/2 years old. Last weekend for the first time she ran up to me and gave me kisses. I spend hours every day with her, but that 15 minutes is not about training, grooming, exercising or feeding, it's just about us.
Before you make an irreversible decision and rehome this dog, have a long chat with yourself and see if maybe you can find another way. Sometimes in life all we can do is survive today, and I get that. Just give both you and the dog an honest shot at a bond before you decide.
 
#18 ·
At 10 months your dog has probably already bonded to you. Not all dogs display their bonding the same way. Sometimes just seeing you is enough. It can take a good eye and a strong gut feeling to see things the way you didn't expect them to be and then to work with it to strengthen the bond for a dogs life time. In a new place have someone observe your dog as you disappear from the dog's sight. You are liable to find out just how strong that bond is. Visit an obedience class for beginners by yourself. You will most likely find dog owners with a similar situation as yours trying to figure things out.
 
#19 ·
as long as you resent the way you got her, and focus on the lack of a bond - you will never have one....she sounds like a nice dog that you should enjoy.....

It is not the dog's fault that she was chosen for you....but you are withholding your inner self from her because of the way you acquired her...if you can get past that, you will bond with her....

I have a dog that was not my first choice - due to circumstances I ended up with him.....he is very very bonded to me, and while I love him, I understand that desire to have that special bond....it is not full out there, tenuous, I like him alot, and enjoy him...but he is not the one I wanted initially...but he is mine and I take responsibility for him and he won't go anywhere else....

Lee
 
#20 ·
Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't? Sometimes it happens when you least expect it! I had no use for herder dogs myself! To furry and all the ones I met had been a bunch of obnoxious bossy A holes!!

Still I found myself in possession of such a dog!!! Next door neighbor dog howled and barked for hours day and night! Animal control was on speed dial! And she escaped the yard constantly! Popped through the fence into our yard the neighbor said "that was it" off to the pound she goes!!

I said screw it I'll take her! I figured I could foster her and we'd sent her happily on her way! Don't let the door hit you on your way out!!!:mad:

Well I had the dog now and I "expect" any dog in my care to behave! So I started working with her. OMG these dogs are brilliant! Lot of challenges we had her for three months as being available. My wife loved her and I grew to! We wanted to keep her but had waited to long. She was promised to a 13 year old. He met her had no problem walking her (my work) :) And we couldn't break a little boys heart! We cried when she was gone!:( That was Molly.

Then we "fostered" Rocky our GSD (7 months). A WL as we later discovered OS GSD. He wobbled unto our front lawn ( Ataxia non specific neurological disorder) our hearts broke! :( But he never seemed to have an issue with his condition! So same deal, I get them I train them! We had him as available again for about three months we grew to love him. Then we got a call! A couple wanted him!!:eek: Coming for him that weekend!:( But they never showed! :)

That was it he was now off the market! But t.hat's not the end of the story! For another 7 months no issues, then I learned a difference between bullies and GSD's when he reached adulthood! They change "Rank drive " issues

He started to take exception to our BullMastiff/ABT/Lab mix being top dog??? Fights ensued! I got sent to the hospital (stitches in the hand breaking up fights!!!)

And "people issues" were to show up later! We lost Gunther a day after the last fight! :(
Non related to the fight health issues, I had a lot of resentment towards Rocky for making Gunthers last months even worst!!!:mad:

But Gunther was gone Rocky was still here. I had to make a choice contact a rescue, list him with...dog aggression (did not seem to be with outside dogs) but I did not know that so ...single dog household and now apparently people issues???

I had kept him for 7 months, maybe if he would have gone to someone else none of this would have happened?? I made a commitment to him, so I let go of the resentment and on we went.


I worked on his remaining issues, we took care of him and our remaining dog. Struddell loved him so good enough. Still no bound but whatever. It all changed one day when he saved me from a dog attack while I was shielding him!



He was behind me as I commanded and taught him to be. I slipped on the ice the second dog was coming fast. I expected to get a belly full of teeth!! I heard a loud growl from behind me and saw nothing but flashing teeth come from my rear toward the remaining dog!!!

That dog rethought his life's choices and this was not a good one! :) That dog flat disappeared!!
.
Safe to say a bound developed then! :)

But..having a dog dumped/forced on you is different! Bonds don't always form instantly! But if you want to have any chance at all of growing to care for this dog? The one thing you "have to do" is let go of the resentment! :)

There is every chance that if you let the dog go, that decision could haunt you for the rest of your life??

So not saying one way or the other just saying, sometimes bonds do take awhile to grow!
 
#21 ·
Just a thought or two --

Are the other dogs males? I felt I didn't click with my female sheltie until I had a discussion with the sheltie message board. I was trying to treat her like I had the boys. Like a child, more or less. I expected her to be a little spoiled cutsy fluffy diva and even called her baby girl. We were just not clicking. Then I realized she was not baby girl at all. I was vastly underestimating her intelligence, maturity, and her opinion of me. I was not her "momma". I was her "bestie". She had my back, she was as perfect as could be in the house, but she was not my baby girl at all. It was like in the movie Interview with a Vampire when they treated Claudia as a child but she was an intelligent, mature, adult in a small body. I started calling her girlfriend not baby girl. Everything changed. We forged a great team in training and never looked back. Perhaps it would help to think of her as best friend and partner, a friend you sometmes clash heads with but nevertheless have an adult relationship with. While my girl is definitely not my "heart" dog, she's my best friend and partner. Maybe this will help.

If you decide it does not work -- please don't use a shelter or craigslist. They troll craigslist for bait dogs and do a very good job of faking you out. We have several German Shepherd rescues in CA. Perhaps if they understand the situation they can help you.

I know you said money for training is not available, but there are training groups and clubs where you can go work your dog for free. Even just going to a park or in the yard and doing the rally stations (you can download those for free at AKC) would help. Maybe you could get involved with rally. As teamwork builds perhaps a pride will grow.

Just my few thoughts. I know it is abstract but perhaps it can help.
 
#22 ·
When we got our second GSD (Sage), she was supposed to be my SO's dog, since Carly was my dog. Well, he just never liked her. Didn't like her personality at all. In fact, she decided she was my dog, and Carly gravitated towards him. So our dogs picked their favorite people. It's only been in the past 6 months or so, that he's made a connection with Sage. She just turned 4 years old! All of a sudden, he's charmed by her (and she is quite the charmer). You just never know...
 
#24 ·
I can not thank you guys enough. I was not expecting such helpful and meaningful advice. I sometimes am disappointed I could not pick her out, but who knows, maybe if I did I would have picked her... I can tell she may have a bond with me because she never wants to leave my side, but I normally do. I think if we did some obedience training where we worked together, just us and the trainer, it could help a lot. Again, thank you guys so much. Based off this information, I am gonna plan on keeping her. She has the potential to be an amazing dog, I can just tell. She is so loving, and loves to be with you. She has escaped out yard before, and has never once left our porch. She escaped and we guessed she was outside on our porch for a few hours, never left the porch. Waited for us to come home... Someone told me they set aside time to just be with the dog one on one, and sometimes we are, but no enough is it just us. Gosh... you guys gave me amazing advice. Thank you all so much! I will let you guys know how things work out.
 
#25 ·
Best wishes. I did something similar also with one of my aussies. I didn't let him "in". One day this lady walked by while we were listening to my husband's band. She said, "do you see how that dog looks at you? He adores you." That is all it took for me to look at him myself and realize how wonderful he was. It all changed when I stopped and looked. The female, I had to understand, that boy I just had to really look. Training even on your own is a really great way to forge a team. Hiking, walking through a park, any kind of activity where it is just the two of you will give you the chance to bond. You can do it! Sounds like she is a fabulous dog and that she truly loves you and wants to be a team with you.
 
#26 ·
Thank you! I will try hard :fingerscrossed: I hope we feel that connection. I look at all these other posts of how much they adore their dogs and do not imagine live without them, and I just do not feel that way. But I am confident the bond will come. Thanks all again.
 
#27 ·
I'm one of those that believes everything happens for a reason. That dog is with you for a reason. It doesn't matter how she got there, so let that go. The important thing is that she is there now.

Make some fun time for just the two of you, whether it's cuddling, playing a silly game, or just letting her lay next to you while you stroke her fur and talk to her. Who knows, maybe if you tell her how you feel, she'll look into your eyes and you'll realize there is a bond. You just needed to open yourself up to feel it.

I wish you the best in finding what you need. Bonding with your GSD is unlike anything else. :wub:
 
#28 ·
I don't mean this in any way to be rude... But have you tried to get some professional help, like for depression. I only say this is because you said you wAnted a dog to fill the void for your lost of friends and hard ship. Maybe it's hard for you to bond because it's something deeper inside, that might need a little kick to help you feel happy again.

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#29 ·
No, I do not feel that a need. I am not depressed. It is just my mother's father, my grandfather is near death, and we are just struggling with money because problems keep appearing that cost thousands of dollars, and yes I have lost contact with friends. I am not depressed, but things have been a little sad lately. I have wanted a dog for years now, so I did not just decide it now when things were getting rough. Plus, I got her several months before I lost contact with friends and things went downhill. I appreciate the concern, I really do, but I am not depressed. It may have something to do with the bond, though. She is sometimes put last because we stressed with many other things, so that may be a consideration.
 
#33 ·
I am blown away by the amazing advice and support here. I was blessed to have found this great forum. I am keeping her... that is a final decision. This advice here made it crystal clear... I seriously CAN NOT thank all you enough. I may have not picked her out, things may be stressful now, and I may have gotten a late start on her obedience training... but I am looking at the positives. She is a loyal, loving, and beautiful dog. I am lucky to have her. Thank you all so much for helping me realize this all. :)
 
#34 ·
My girl is 7 months and I'm still waiting to feel that bond too. I know the situation you're in. Every day I'm online reading up on GSDs, my bookshelf has a heap of books on GSDs, as being rural means I can't get her to a trainer, so I'm trying to do everything myself (I've had some successes but a few failures too). So I understand completely. My partner's cousin has our girl's half-brother (he's now six) and she said she hid from him for the first year of his life. She would literally lock herself up in her room trying to get away from him. Now, he's her baby. He goes everywhere with her, they're joined at the hip. So I do think a bond will develop in time. I think it comes down to just not knowing how to communicate. Training is obviously beneficial for that reason, but not having training readily accessible means a lot more miscommunication for a lot longer time.
 
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