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Zeeva 09-04-2014 11:01 PM

I had a difficult day. I went in to see my professor. He said my proposal isn't ready so I can't advance which means I'll have to remain in my program another year. He said I've communication issues and even told me that my favorite professor said the same thing. That made me extremely uncomfortable.

I have this tendency to disappoint everyone that's good to me. My thesis was basically handed to me in a pretty little box and I'm unable to find the motivation to put the ribbon on it and deliver it. I especially watch my colleagues getting their act together (maybe it's out of necessity for money) and I feel so childish, lazy, unproductive. I can't figure out if my issues are psychological (which can be remediated) or a personality flaw (which basically means I shouldn't be on this earth).

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting here. Sadly I don't feel overwhelmed or anything. I simply came home and lied down on the carpet for like 5 hours. It had all been building up over summer (so even though I knew it was coming I frankly couldn't find the motivation or empathy to progress). And it feels like it came crashing down today.

I thought hard...I don't know if I should tell you this. But I thought hard about that gun in our safe. It sounds so silly. My worst fear is disappointing and yet that's all I seem to do and especially to the people who want to see me do well. But at the same time I can't care.

I don't know where to go from here so I walked away and am now attempting (I think?) to catch up on the silly little things that I need to catch up on and working my way up to the bigger things...maybe.

For those that feel my complaining and venting is suboptimal, stupid and unnecessary, I apologize. I don't know who else to talk to...

selzer 09-04-2014 11:33 PM

A year from now, you will be a year older whether you go on in the program for another year, or whether you quit and give it up. You might as well stick it out, and break up your projects into manageable chunks.

Life is a series of challenges, attempts, failures, disappointments, regrouping, restructuring, and successes. When you are in the middle of the hard stuff it can be overwhelming and hard to see the big picture. The thing is, it's when we experience the hard stuff that we grow, not when everything is beautiful and going our way. Those days do not build the muscle of our character.

Use this year to work on your communication skills.

Please, you have the rest of your life to work in whatever field you want to work in. If you start doing it in 2014 or 2015, in 2043 it isn't going to make a lick of difference.

Susan_GSD_mom 09-04-2014 11:46 PM

Selzer, a very good post. As one who can look back 40 years to when I was at the same point in my life, I say you are right.

Zeeva, learn and grow in this year. There will be a time when one more year won't mean a thing, just a little bump in the road.

I also sent you a pm, hope you don't mind.


wolfy dog 09-05-2014 12:27 AM

A year may seem long at this very moment but when you are 80 years old you wonder why in the world you were stressed out about an extra year, you probably have forgotten about it by then. You have so many things to do in this coming year, doing an extra year in college doesn't define you. You have two dogs!

Zeeva 09-05-2014 12:55 AM

It's not about that year.

It's about the disappoint I put others through.

People's worth is determined by a lot of things but one of the main factors is living up to what you and others think you're capable potential is what I know I can contribute to the world. Without it I'm a meaningless person sucking up the resources that others more deserving should have...

LuvShepherds 09-05-2014 01:08 AM

I don't know the history of your college career but taking an extra year to finish isn't uncommon. It gives you an opportunity to get mentoring and fix the areas you have a problem in. No one hands someone else a thesis. It takes hard work to finish it. You aren't ready to move on and they are doing you a favor. Don't worry so much about disappointing other people, figure how how to satisfy yourself.

If you're having trouble with writing or organizational skills or time management go to a writing or study center on campus and get someone to help you. If it's a focusing problem, have you ever been tested for disabilities or ADD? If you have a disability, the school is required to offer you special services to help you finish your education.

Jax08 09-05-2014 09:01 AM

Amina - Your culture puts a crazy amount of pressure on you to succeed or "be worthless". You are NOT meaningless. You are NOT a disappointment. Your education does not make a person's worth.

I think you need to stop basing your thoughts on your "worth" on what others think and work for your accomplishments for yourself.

Lilie 09-05-2014 09:36 AM

Amina, I have this theory. I believe we are all here for a specific purpose. That purpose really isn't up to us to decide, however, the decisions that we make guide us along our specific purpose.

So - it is very possible that you will have some sort of meaningful affect on an individual that you will meet along this new path. Someone you might not have met had you stayed on the path you thought you were supposed to be on. Most likely, you'll never even realize it. But there are some who are lucky enough to recognize it when it happens. And it ALWAYS happens.

I hate it when you are unhappy. You are such a cool, special person. I know that you have already touched many folks on this forum. That in itself has meaning.

Shade 09-05-2014 09:39 AM

Many times I've wished that was a perfect world, unfortunately it's not. We deal with disappointment, sadness, anger, and all sorts of negative emotions on a daily basis.

You are not worthless; you are a priceless treasure put on this earth for a purpose and your uniqueness makes you special. Just because you are not ready now doesn't mean you never will be, take this year and make yourself even better - for your sake, not for anyone else.

I've dealt with depression and understand how easy it can be to fall back into certain patterns. So this year I've set my mind to changing those bad habits - there have been moments of pure panic because I'm putting myself into situations that are complete foreign. But I've learned a lot about myself and what I'm capable of, I'm sure this year will bring new things for you as well :)

Don't let others be your measuring stick for self-worth, you will fall short and make yourself miserable. You are only accountable to yourself and as long as you feel you are improving that's all that should matter.

gsdsar 09-05-2014 09:49 AM

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You need to find a professional. Even thinking about the Gun when you are in this state of depression is terrifying to me. You need to find professional help now. All the huggy huggy posts you will get on this board will not help you. Please.

You are worth it, your life is worth it. Fight for it. Get help.

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