Am I being unreasonable?

[KZoppa]

Originally Posted by Jo_in_TX

Sweetie, the writing is on the all for all to see, imo.

He likes the "security" of the relationship you have now, but doesn't want the "commitment," You are being used, even if neither of you realize it. You're like the old, comfortable shoe that he can't get rid of. You make his life comfortable. Easy.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. And, yes, I feel confident writing this because your story has been told a thousand times before.

By the way, you are not "too" young. Personally, I think it is outrageous that adults in their mid to late twenties are still considered "too" immature, these days, and it says a lot about our society. Yet, young women of your generation are blessed. You don't have to latch on to a man to support "you." You are free to pursue your own goals and marry at twenty, thirty, forty, or never. But "too young" to marry? No. Just different goals. You want a commitment and he doesn't.

Only "you" can decide if you can live with this, but, personally, I would give him the ring back in a heartbeat and make him move out. Physically move out. And my strong guess is that he will be declaring his everlasting love for you, begging you to take the ring back, and marry as soon as possible. And my gut feeling is that you will wonder for a long, long time about his sudden change of heart.

[wolfstraum]

what she said.....I triple the thumbs up


Lee

[Gharrissc]

I didn't read all of the posts and this may have already been mentioned,but it sounds like he needs to work out some of his issues first. My husband and I dated for a while before we decided to get married,and that included a break up,time apart,etc.

[Jo_in_TX]

I just had to add this:

I did not mean to imply in ANY way that your fiance is a "bad guy." He's probably a great guy in many ways, since you appear to be a smart, young woman who wouldn't put up with a jerk.

"Good guy" or "bad guy," however, he lives in a society that screams that he's "too young" for a life-long commitment, and, honestly, considering how much he needs you, if he truly loved you, he would probably be jumping at the chance to marry you sooner.

Don't find yourself defending him for his good qualities in your mind. It's a very bad mistake to do so, and you can find yourself tied to him because of your loyalty to his good qualities and not to the whole person standing before you.

Best wishes to you.

[arycrest]

I don't know, as difficult as this is to say, I think you've gotten a lot of wise comments from many wise people who have been there/done that. I think if I were you I'd listen to them.

With that said, I'll add the 4th thumbs up to what Jo_in_TX and many others have said.

[KatsMuse]

Originally Posted by dgray

Hey everyone,

We talked a bit this morning..
He says he feels rushed (6 years is rushing??), and he's scared about kids afterwards..

He also said I never let him hang out with his friends (say what??)..

This all hit me out of the blue.. Hes been acting like this is what he wanted this whole time, and now I feel blind sighted..

I think he's very immature and scared of the responsibility of it all. Also, he's still working a part time job at a crummy place and I've got a really good job - he says he's living in my shadow..

Now I feel like the whole thing is tainted. Even if he agrees, it'll feel fake. But we have so much history together, it's hard to just let that all go.. But I don't know if he will ever be ready, and I don't want to continuing supporting someone (I pay all the bills except half of rent, I bailed him out with the IRS, and I pay for all the groceries, etc) who I might not end up with.

I get that he's afraid and he's young. But I'm scared also. I think I have a lot more to lose than him. Also, sometimes I wonder if we are on the same page in life. If we didn't live together, he'd still be living with his mom on his wages.. And he complains about his job constantly but has not applied anywhere..

I'm ready to grow up and be independent.. I want to buy my own house, etc. I don't want to do that with someone who I'm not married with. He says we are practically married as it is.. So why if it's so important to me, can he not do it if it's no big deal?

Now I'm feeling foolish and heartbroken. How could I be so blind? He acts like I'm being ridiculous.. But I feel like it shouldn't be like this. We should be excited about getting married. We shouldn't be almost breaking up over it..


Sent from my iPhone using PG Free

IMO, you sound mature, stable and know what you want.

I can't give you any real advice except to...TRUST YOUR GUT!

If something doesn't feel right for me, I'm usually right.

Best of luck to you.
Sorry you're having such a bad time. Kat

[AJT]

Originally Posted by dgray

Hey everyone,

We talked a bit this morning..
He says he feels rushed (6 years is rushing??), and he's scared about kids afterwards..

He also said I never let him hang out with his friends (say what??)..

This all hit me out of the blue.. Hes been acting like this is what he wanted this whole time, and now I feel blind sighted..

I think he's very immature and scared of the responsibility of it all. Also, he's still working a part time job at a crummy place and I've got a really good job - he says he's living in my shadow..

Now I feel like the whole thing is tainted. Even if he agrees, it'll feel fake. But we have so much history together, it's hard to just let that all go.. But I don't know if he will ever be ready, and I don't want to continuing supporting someone (I pay all the bills except half of rent, I bailed him out with the IRS, and I pay for all the groceries, etc) who I might not end up with.

I get that he's afraid and he's young. But I'm scared also. I think I have a lot more to lose than him. Also, sometimes I wonder if we are on the same page in life. If we didn't live together, he'd still be living with his mom on his wages.. And he complains about his job constantly but has not applied anywhere..

I'm ready to grow up and be independent.. I want to buy my own house, etc. I don't want to do that with someone who I'm not married with. He says we are practically married as it is.. So why if it's so important to me, can he not do it if it's no big deal?

Now I'm feeling foolish and heartbroken. How could I be so blind? He acts like I'm being ridiculous.. But I feel like it shouldn't be like this. We should be excited about getting married. We shouldn't be almost breaking up over it..


Sent from my iPhone using PG Free

Great advice from Jo in TX.

The only thing I can contribute because I can completely relate having been in a similar position when I was 24 is -- timing.

What you wrote "Also, sometimes I wonder if we are on the same page in life" really hit a chord with me and brought back memories. You and your fiance are not on the same page. There is NOTHING wrong with that. People evolve and sometimes people evolve away from each other.

You said "he says he's living in my shadow.." If he feels that but doesn't have the strength yet to be confidence in what he can offer to himself and to you...than re-evaluating what YOU want out of life, and what HE wants out of life is necessary.

I went through your situation several years back after being with someone for nearly five years starting when I was 19. What resulted was we went in different directions but it was a nasty break up.

You can say you have a lot more to lose, which I believe is true. Another way to put it is...how much are you willing to sacrifice?

[Midnight12]

Well they always say, if you need to see if someone loves you set them free, if they love you they will come back and if they don't thay never did. It is that simple but hard to do.I broke up with my husband over probelms in our relastonship. we were living together and he said he did'nt know if he could marry me because I had 5 kids from my first husband. I said I understand but I am a package deal. A month later he was back and said he was more unhappy without me than with me lol.That was 26 years ago and we had another child together and he helped me raise them all. Now it just Him and I and the dog.

[Jo_in_TX]

Originally Posted by Midnight12

Well they always say, if you need to see if someone loves you set them free, if they love you they will come back and if they don't thay never did. It is that simple but hard to do.I broke up with my husband over probelms in our relastonship. we were living together and he said he did'nt know if he could marry me because I had 5 kids from my first husband. I said I understand but I am a package deal. A month later he was back and said he was more unhappy without me than with me lol.That was 26 years ago and we had another child together and he helped me raise them all. Now it just Him and I and the dog.

Beautiful.

[Syaoransbear]

The biggest problem I see is that he feels like he's living in your shadow while doing absolutely nothing to get out of your shadow, get a better job, and contribute to the household funds equally. I know the economy sucks but he's not even trying.

I also think it's weird that he's that threatened by marriage. If you are sharing funds, living together, etc, then all marriage does is attach legal rights to your relationship and I suppose make it harder to break up. I wonder what part of being married he isn't ready for? It's not like you have to have kids immediately after getting married. My husband and I are planning on never having children.

I don't know your relationship, but you sound pretty awesome and probably better off not marrying this guy right now. At least not until he does some growing up. He sounds like he's 16, not 25. Who proposes to someone when they don't want to get married yet? Yeesh.

Me and my husband are pretty similar in age to you guys. I just got married in august and I'm 23 and my husband is 24. There was never a moment where he didn't feel ready and overly eager to marry me.