Am I being unreasonable? - Page 4 - German Shepherd Dog Forums

Increase font size: 0, 10, 25, 50%

GermanShepherds.com is the premier German Shepherd Forum on the internet. Registered Users do not see the above ads.
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-10-2013, 02:04 PM   #31 (permalink)
Crowned Member
 
KZoppa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 18,945
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jo_in_TX View Post
Sweetie, the writing is on the all for all to see, imo.

He likes the "security" of the relationship you have now, but doesn't want the "commitment," You are being used, even if neither of you realize it. You're like the old, comfortable shoe that he can't get rid of. You make his life comfortable. Easy.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. And, yes, I feel confident writing this because your story has been told a thousand times before.

By the way, you are not "too" young. Personally, I think it is outrageous that adults in their mid to late twenties are still considered "too" immature, these days, and it says a lot about our society. Yet, young women of your generation are blessed. You don't have to latch on to a man to support "you." You are free to pursue your own goals and marry at twenty, thirty, forty, or never. But "too young" to marry? No. Just different goals. You want a commitment and he doesn't.

Only "you" can decide if you can live with this, but, personally, I would give him the ring back in a heartbeat and make him move out. Physically move out. And my strong guess is that he will be declaring his everlasting love for you, begging you to take the ring back, and marry as soon as possible. And my gut feeling is that you will wonder for a long, long time about his sudden change of heart.

__________________
http://www.KrystalZPhotography.weebly.com
www.KrystalZ.nerium.com
Shasta GSD 5/5/10 CGC
"Dax" Thor z vom Weberhaus 3/18/2013
Zena GSD 6/1/03
Riley GSD/BC 1/10/05-2/1/2013
KZoppa is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 01-10-2013, 02:12 PM   #32 (permalink)
Crowned Member
 
wolfstraum's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: PA
Posts: 9,454
Default

what she said.....I triple the thumbs up


Lee
__________________
Csabre Sch1, Hexe Sch2, SG Bengal, Komet, Kira HGH & Kougar v Wolfstraum ~ Ziberia BH ~ ATB Basha Sch3 IPO3, Danger Sch1 RH SAR ~ Kougar Sch3, Kyra Sch3, Cito Sch2, Alice Sch1, Kelsey CD, Ret ~ Fenja Sch3s

wolfstraum.net
wolfstraum is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-10-2013, 02:14 PM   #33 (permalink)
Knighted Member
 
Gharrissc's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 3,117
Default

I didn't read all of the posts and this may have already been mentioned,but it sounds like he needs to work out some of his issues first. My husband and I dated for a while before we decided to get married,and that included a break up,time apart,etc.
Gharrissc is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-10-2013, 02:34 PM   #34 (permalink)
Master Member
 
Jo_in_TX's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Houston area
Posts: 785
Default

I just had to add this:

I did not mean to imply in ANY way that your fiance is a "bad guy." He's probably a great guy in many ways, since you appear to be a smart, young woman who wouldn't put up with a jerk.

"Good guy" or "bad guy," however, he lives in a society that screams that he's "too young" for a life-long commitment, and, honestly, considering how much he needs you, if he truly loved you, he would probably be jumping at the chance to marry you sooner.

Don't find yourself defending him for his good qualities in your mind. It's a very bad mistake to do so, and you can find yourself tied to him because of your loyalty to his good qualities and not to the whole person standing before you.

Best wishes to you.
__________________
Jo & Teddy,my female german shepherd, born Christmas Day, 2011
"One reason a dog is such a lovable creature is his tail wags instead of his tongue." - Unknown

Last edited by Jo_in_TX; 01-10-2013 at 02:36 PM.
Jo_in_TX is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-10-2013, 03:58 PM   #35 (permalink)
Crowned Member
 
arycrest's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 9,489
Default

I don't know, as difficult as this is to say, I think you've gotten a lot of wise comments from many wise people who have been there/done that. I think if I were you I'd listen to them.

With that said, I'll add the 4th thumbs up to what Jo_in_TX and many others have said.
__________________
Gayle ... Slider, Bruiser, Faith & Ledgie
At the Bridge: Andy, Abbey, Tasha, Tex, Echo, Yukon, JR, Too, Niki, Bo, Ringer, Kelly, Honey & Mac
arycrest is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-10-2013, 04:00 PM   #36 (permalink)
Elite Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,464
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dgray View Post
Hey everyone,

We talked a bit this morning..
He says he feels rushed (6 years is rushing??), and he's scared about kids afterwards..

He also said I never let him hang out with his friends (say what??)..

This all hit me out of the blue.. Hes been acting like this is what he wanted this whole time, and now I feel blind sighted..

I think he's very immature and scared of the responsibility of it all. Also, he's still working a part time job at a crummy place and I've got a really good job - he says he's living in my shadow..

Now I feel like the whole thing is tainted. Even if he agrees, it'll feel fake. But we have so much history together, it's hard to just let that all go.. But I don't know if he will ever be ready, and I don't want to continuing supporting someone (I pay all the bills except half of rent, I bailed him out with the IRS, and I pay for all the groceries, etc) who I might not end up with.

I get that he's afraid and he's young. But I'm scared also. I think I have a lot more to lose than him. Also, sometimes I wonder if we are on the same page in life. If we didn't live together, he'd still be living with his mom on his wages.. And he complains about his job constantly but has not applied anywhere..

I'm ready to grow up and be independent.. I want to buy my own house, etc. I don't want to do that with someone who I'm not married with. He says we are practically married as it is.. So why if it's so important to me, can he not do it if it's no big deal?

Now I'm feeling foolish and heartbroken. How could I be so blind? He acts like I'm being ridiculous.. But I feel like it shouldn't be like this. We should be excited about getting married. We shouldn't be almost breaking up over it..


Sent from my iPhone using PG Free
IMO, you sound mature, stable and know what you want.

I can't give you any real advice except to...TRUST YOUR GUT!

If something doesn't feel right for me, I'm usually right.

Best of luck to you.
Sorry you're having such a bad time. Kat
KatsMuse is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-10-2013, 04:02 PM   #37 (permalink)
AJT
Member
 
AJT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Central NJ, U.S.
Posts: 192
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dgray View Post
Hey everyone,

We talked a bit this morning..
He says he feels rushed (6 years is rushing??), and he's scared about kids afterwards..

He also said I never let him hang out with his friends (say what??)..

This all hit me out of the blue.. Hes been acting like this is what he wanted this whole time, and now I feel blind sighted..

I think he's very immature and scared of the responsibility of it all. Also, he's still working a part time job at a crummy place and I've got a really good job - he says he's living in my shadow..

Now I feel like the whole thing is tainted. Even if he agrees, it'll feel fake. But we have so much history together, it's hard to just let that all go.. But I don't know if he will ever be ready, and I don't want to continuing supporting someone (I pay all the bills except half of rent, I bailed him out with the IRS, and I pay for all the groceries, etc) who I might not end up with.

I get that he's afraid and he's young. But I'm scared also. I think I have a lot more to lose than him. Also, sometimes I wonder if we are on the same page in life. If we didn't live together, he'd still be living with his mom on his wages.. And he complains about his job constantly but has not applied anywhere..

I'm ready to grow up and be independent.. I want to buy my own house, etc. I don't want to do that with someone who I'm not married with. He says we are practically married as it is.. So why if it's so important to me, can he not do it if it's no big deal?

Now I'm feeling foolish and heartbroken. How could I be so blind? He acts like I'm being ridiculous.. But I feel like it shouldn't be like this. We should be excited about getting married. We shouldn't be almost breaking up over it..


Sent from my iPhone using PG Free
Great advice from Jo in TX.

The only thing I can contribute because I can completely relate having been in a similar position when I was 24 is -- timing.

What you wrote "Also, sometimes I wonder if we are on the same page in life" really hit a chord with me and brought back memories. You and your fiance are not on the same page. There is NOTHING wrong with that. People evolve and sometimes people evolve away from each other.

You said "he says he's living in my shadow.." If he feels that but doesn't have the strength yet to be confidence in what he can offer to himself and to you...than re-evaluating what YOU want out of life, and what HE wants out of life is necessary.

I went through your situation several years back after being with someone for nearly five years starting when I was 19. What resulted was we went in different directions but it was a nasty break up.

You can say you have a lot more to lose, which I believe is true. Another way to put it is...how much are you willing to sacrifice?
AJT is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-10-2013, 04:25 PM   #38 (permalink)
Senior Member
 
Midnight12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Denver Co
Posts: 453
Default

Well they always say, if you need to see if someone loves you set them free, if they love you they will come back and if they don't thay never did. It is that simple but hard to do.I broke up with my husband over probelms in our relastonship. we were living together and he said he did'nt know if he could marry me because I had 5 kids from my first husband. I said I understand but I am a package deal. A month later he was back and said he was more unhappy without me than with me lol.That was 26 years ago and we had another child together and he helped me raise them all. Now it just Him and I and the dog.
Midnight12 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-10-2013, 05:01 PM   #39 (permalink)
Master Member
 
Jo_in_TX's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Houston area
Posts: 785
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Midnight12 View Post
Well they always say, if you need to see if someone loves you set them free, if they love you they will come back and if they don't thay never did. It is that simple but hard to do.I broke up with my husband over probelms in our relastonship. we were living together and he said he did'nt know if he could marry me because I had 5 kids from my first husband. I said I understand but I am a package deal. A month later he was back and said he was more unhappy without me than with me lol.That was 26 years ago and we had another child together and he helped me raise them all. Now it just Him and I and the dog.
Beautiful.
__________________
Jo & Teddy,my female german shepherd, born Christmas Day, 2011
"One reason a dog is such a lovable creature is his tail wags instead of his tongue." - Unknown
Jo_in_TX is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-10-2013, 05:01 PM   #40 (permalink)
Crowned Member
 
Syaoransbear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Canada, Sask
Posts: 4,301
Default

The biggest problem I see is that he feels like he's living in your shadow while doing absolutely nothing to get out of your shadow, get a better job, and contribute to the household funds equally. I know the economy sucks but he's not even trying.

I also think it's weird that he's that threatened by marriage. If you are sharing funds, living together, etc, then all marriage does is attach legal rights to your relationship and I suppose make it harder to break up. I wonder what part of being married he isn't ready for? It's not like you have to have kids immediately after getting married. My husband and I are planning on never having children.

I don't know your relationship, but you sound pretty awesome and probably better off not marrying this guy right now. At least not until he does some growing up. He sounds like he's 16, not 25. Who proposes to someone when they don't want to get married yet? Yeesh.

Me and my husband are pretty similar in age to you guys. I just got married in august and I'm 23 and my husband is 24. There was never a moment where he didn't feel ready and overly eager to marry me.
Syaoransbear is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the German Shepherd Dog Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:31 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
SEO by vBSEO 3.3.2
PetGuide.com
Basset.net DobermanTalk.com GoldenRetrieverForum.com OurBeagleWorld.com
BoxerForums.com DogForums.com GoPitbull.com PoodleForum.com
BulldogBreeds.com FishForums.com HavaneseForum.com SpoiledMaltese.com
CatForum.com GermanShepherds.com Labradoodle-dogs.net YorkieForum.com
Chihuahua-People.com RetrieverBreeds.com