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Old 01-10-2013, 01:04 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dgray View Post
Hey everyone,

I get that he's afraid and he's young. But I'm scared also. I think I have a lot more to lose than him. Also, sometimes I wonder if we are on the same page in life. If we didn't live together, he'd still be living with his mom on his wages.. And he complains about his job constantly but has not applied anywhere..

I'm ready to grow up and be independent.. I want to buy my own house, etc. I don't want to do that with someone who I'm not married with. He says we are practically married as it is.. So why if it's so important to me, can he not do it if it's no big deal?

Now I'm feeling foolish and heartbroken. How could I be so blind? He acts like I'm being ridiculous.. But I feel like it shouldn't be like this. We should be excited about getting married. We shouldn't be almost breaking up over it..


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He isn't that young...at least not young enough to be acting like that. He sounds immature and insecure, and needs to start with personal responsibility before you're legally responsible for him too. You're blinded because you love him, it's natural. But don't let your history with someone be what keeps you with someone... look forward, not back.
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Old 01-10-2013, 01:20 PM   #22 (permalink)
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To tell you the truth...the money thing is a big issue. It kind of sounds like he has to live with you rather than wants to. He can't live on his own, and he needs you to support him. This happens a lot when one person in the relationship makes a lot more than the other one. Sadly (sorry feminists), its a lot worse when the male makes less than the female (been proven by statistics). I live with my girlfriend, we've lived together for 2 years now and we share all the bills. We rotate who buys the groceries every week, and generally try to keep things as equal as possible. I make a fair amount more than she does, so I'll usually take us out (but sometimes she'll pay if its a thing she wants to do) and I'll buy more of our "luxury" items. I guess its a little different since we're both college educated and both have pretty good salaries. Marriage is talked about, but not on the table any time soon, we want to get our lives together. We are both 24 and in no rush...so you shouldn't be either. That being said, I'm mature enough and so are most other people at 24 to marry. If you're ready to move on with your life, it might just be time to do that.

Sometimes that high school relationship is all about the comfort of not changing, and when you've been with someone so long it might be scary to be single. But you'll find someone, especially if you are looking for something more.
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Old 01-10-2013, 01:37 PM   #23 (permalink)
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I'd definately postpone this wedding, your both very young and obviously he's really not ready.
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Old 01-10-2013, 01:37 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Speaking from a guys perspective around the same age...

Don't marry this person. He's not ready. He's not mature enough for the whole wife, kids, and white picket fence thing. Most guys aren't good at expressing their emotions and all that. He's saying this stuff and giving all these excuses because he probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings and he's comfortable in the situation he's in. He doesn't want to lose that.

I'm 29 now, but I was a completely different person in my early to mid 20's when it comes to just how I perceived life and what was important to me. I was with the same girl from pretty much early high school until I was around mid 20's. We both had a lot of history, both good and bad, but wanted completely different things out of life. It took a long time to figure that out, but was definitely the right decision to finally go our separate ways.

He's young and he doesn't want to embrace all the responsibilities that come with being an adult. Based on your description, he doesn't really sound too happy with where his life's at. He needs some more time to grow and mature before he's ready to marry anyone. He's still a kid from a maturity mindset.

All of these things are probably not the best recipe for a marriage. Marriage should be something both of you guys both want to do... not have to do. How many marriages end well that start with an ultimatum? You shouldn't have to force anyone to get married because it's probably not going to end well.

You really need to do some soul searching. Figure out if this is the guy for you. Do you see yourself, not just with, but still happy with this guy 10,20,30 years down the road? Is this what you really want out of life?
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Old 01-10-2013, 01:40 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Lemme tell you a story. I'm 26 years old. I married my high school sweetheart when I was 19. We'd been since I was 17 and had been living together for almost 2 years. We're both responsible and determined people. I was pregnant by 20 and a mom by 21. Never a late payment on our bills. During our wedding, I was the one terrified of what was happening. I'm a very independent minded person and like to have fun going out with friends and goofing off. My husband is a great man. He's very patient with me and my wild child tendancies that come up on occassion.

Recently, I started to feel trapped. So shortly after my husband deployed for the second time, I moved home with the kids and the animals and really just everything because I needed to do some serious soul searching and reevaulating where I was in my life. We were headed down the path to divorce because i'm stubborn and at times a stupid thought crosses my mind and I go with it. My husband has the patience of a saint. I've been home for five months. I've done a great deal of thinking and my husband and I are going to work on things between us. It wasn't an easy decision for me to make, much less confess to him that I want to work on us and things need to change. It's going to be a long road for us but we're on a good path. I just kind of wondered and got lost along the way but found my way back.

My point is, you've been together for a while. You are going places and he appears content to stay in one spot. You're basically supporting him from what you've said and he's not making any moves to change his state of being. He's got a sugar mama. You've bailed him out of a financial situation once already. Looking at my parents, who are pretty immature, there's likely more financial situations in the future. You BOTH have to be mature enough to handle the responsibilities that are involved. Me, like I said, I'm stubborn and independent minded. I'm a stay at home mom which occassionally drives me crazy because I like getting out and working. My husband has no problems with me working and even tries to make it so that I can more easily work around his wacky schedule. He currently makes the money (breadwinner) and I make sure everything is taken care of. He proposed to me three times before I finally said yes.

If your guy isn't ready, he shouldnt have proposed to you. He's pulling out the "you don't let me hang with the guys" card because he wants to stay in a fantasy world where you pay for everything and he gets to go goof around without a care in the world. He can be scared all he wants. So can you. Marriage is a big step that can be absolutely terrifying. That's okay! But both parties have to be on equal ground for it otherwise there will be problems. If he's freaking out now and showing all this, is this really someone you want to spend your life with? You can listen to your heart but there comes a time you REALLY need to listen to your head and look to the future.

If it were me, I'd step back and reevaluate where I was in everything and where he was and make note of it all. You're going places and paying the majority of the bills while he's sitting on a part time job griping about it instead of taking steps to change his position. Do you want to be with a forward thinker such as yourself or someone who is content to stay stationary and basically mooch off others? Only you can decide what's best for you. Really think about whats best for YOU in the long run. Take into account the history. If things have been consistent the way they are, they'll likely stay that way in the long run until you decide to change it.

Ask him WHY he proposed if he's so scared of it all. IMO, if a guy proposes, it should be because he's anxious to spend his life with you and given the chance would happily get married to you right that moment if it meant he'd be with the one he loves most. But that's also the opinion of a hopeless romantic, though logically, a guy shouldnt propose unless he's 100% on it.

I'm going back to school. I want to have something under my belt for when my kids are both in school so that I'm not sitting at home twiddling my thumbs if I don't want to do that. Reevaluate your situation. You may be surprised at what you see and learn when you really look.
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Old 01-10-2013, 01:43 PM   #26 (permalink)
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OP - I see so many things wrong in your second post. All I can say is Run. Run fast, Run far. If he straightens up and takes responsibility then let him catch up. Otherwise, head to a different track.
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Old 01-10-2013, 01:43 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Yeah he's definitely not ready. I'm not saying you think this but I've seen it happen...don't think that the wedding will change him. He sounds immature and lacking in confidence (I'm not trying to put him down or say he's a bad person). What bugs me the most about what you posted is not that he has some issues to work through (who doesn't?) but that it sounds like he tried to put them on you (you not letting him hang out, you overshadowing him with your career). THAT part of it is not fair. He may be young but not so young that he can flop around and never commit to a job or a person. I got married when I was 22 and my husband and I are independent in a lot of ways. We have very few mutual friends, we both have a lot of activities that do not involve the other (me dogs, him various sports). I travel several weekends a month without him. But it works for us. Neither of us has had to give up friends or hobbies because we got married. Our careers are not competitions. Someone who I very much respect once told me that "equity is not equality" and that's sort of my motto for married life. Being fair does not mean equal. Who cares if one person makes all the money or one person does more chores or one person has a hobby that costs more than the other?
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Old 01-10-2013, 01:44 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dgray View Post
Hey everyone,

We talked a bit this morning..
He says he feels rushed (6 years is rushing??), and he's scared about kids afterwards..

He also said I never let him hang out with his friends (say what??)..

This all hit me out of the blue.. Hes been acting like this is what he wanted this whole time, and now I feel blind sighted..

I think he's very immature and scared of the responsibility of it all. Also, he's still working a part time job at a crummy place and I've got a really good job - he says he's living in my shadow..

Now I feel like the whole thing is tainted. Even if he agrees, it'll feel fake. But we have so much history together, it's hard to just let that all go.. But I don't know if he will ever be ready, and I don't want to continuing supporting someone (I pay all the bills except half of rent, I bailed him out with the IRS, and I pay for all the groceries, etc) who I might not end up with.

I get that he's afraid and he's young. But I'm scared also. I think I have a lot more to lose than him. Also, sometimes I wonder if we are on the same page in life. If we didn't live together, he'd still be living with his mom on his wages.. And he complains about his job constantly but has not applied anywhere..

I'm ready to grow up and be independent.. I want to buy my own house, etc. I don't want to do that with someone who I'm not married with. He says we are practically married as it is.. So why if it's so important to me, can he not do it if it's no big deal?

Now I'm feeling foolish and heartbroken. How could I be so blind? He acts like I'm being ridiculous.. But I feel like it shouldn't be like this. We should be excited about getting married. We shouldn't be almost breaking up over it..


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With everything you just said, I'd be wary. He seems to be very confused and not sure of what he wants. And in all honestly, he is young. Men take longer to mature than women do and not only that- you said you've been together 6 years? So, since he was 19? That's fresh out of high school.

There are a lot of things he may be thinking he has yet to experience because he has been in a relationship with you. Not saying that is a bad thing, but you can be certain there is a chance he's at least curious of what is still out there. Honestly, if he's 25 and still living like a 19 year old struggling college student, you should be at least a little cautious about the way you confront this dilemma. It concerns me because that back story is awfully similar to that of my ex's and he's only 20 years old.

What would be in your best interest is taking a step back and validating your relationship with him. He says YOU don't let him spend time with his friends? So...it's safe to assume you've got him chained on a leash in the back yard (sarcasm). When a guy presents you with such "facts", you should think about WHY he is saying that. Could it be because he's not uncertain of things? And while money may be an important factor here, wouldn't he be upfront about this instead of claiming that it was too soon?

I understand it's hard to let it all go after all that time spent on him. But don't be too quick to rush things along with him just to make things happen. Like I said, take a step back and try to see what it is that's got him all hot and bothered. But if things go south, you're still young and seem to have a level head on your shoulders, not to mention a good job. I trust things will sort themselves out.
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Old 01-10-2013, 01:50 PM   #29 (permalink)
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There is not much to add....KZ said it all....and Paul too.....

Start planning for a future taking care of yourself....let him go home to mom if that is what it means, he needs to grow up and you are not his mom.....

You are young, educated, self supporting....you are way too young to tie yourself down to a questionable relationship....

Good luck....there are alot of people here who will give you a shoulder and a positive perspective!

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Old 01-10-2013, 02:02 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Sweetie, the writing is on the all for all to see, imo.

He likes the "security" of the relationship you have now, but doesn't want the "commitment," You are being used, even if neither of you realize it. You're like the old, comfortable shoe that he can't get rid of. You make his life comfortable. Easy.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. And, yes, I feel confident writing this because your story has been told a thousand times before.

By the way, you are not "too" young. Personally, I think it is outrageous that adults in their mid to late twenties are still considered "too" immature, these days, and it says a lot about our society. Yet, young women of your generation are blessed. You don't have to latch on to a man to support "you." You are free to pursue your own goals and marry at twenty, thirty, forty, or never. But "too young" to marry? No. Just different goals. That young folks have many more options today is wonderful. But blaming a lack of commitment on "immaturity" is pitiful. He can grow up in a nano second if he wanted to. He just doesn't want to commit to you. There's nothing wrong with that except for the fact that he's been using you.

Only "you" can decide if you can live with this, but, personally, I would give him the ring back in a heartbeat and make him move out. Physically move out. And my strong guess is that he will be declaring his everlasting love for you, begging you to take the ring back, and marry as soon as possible, because right now, being supported by you might be preferable to living in his parent's basement.
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