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Old 01-10-2013, 10:46 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I think after 5 1/2 years, if he's panicking and not ready then it's time to step back and be on your own for awhile. Been there...done that...20 years down the road and he still isn't "ready" because "marriage isn't important" to him.

So, you need to do what is best for you before you are even deeper into this relationship with more responsibilities.
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Old 01-10-2013, 10:48 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Maybe compromise, once everyone is calm, is in order. But I still don't think he should be freaking out over three months.
Of course, my father and boyfriend are both very go with the flow type guys, so neither would be phased. I may be biased.


The advice to take time to yourself is also very good, imo.
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Old 01-10-2013, 10:48 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I just got married in June. We had dated for 5 years, I proposed in April. So, we had 3 months of time before proposal and marriage.

We just went to a justice of the peace, had a nice dinner, then the next day had a crab cookout with the family. A nice, small event.

To which, all of our friends who have had the big lavish weddings are still renting apartments, and we are living in a nice spacious house. Priorities

You are young - we got married at 30. If all goes south, it isn't anything bad. Honestly, at that age, I'd reevaluate everything...
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Old 01-10-2013, 10:51 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I also don't think it's time to cut ties and run. Being engaged and actually getting married means something totally different to a lot of men when it comes time to "pull the trigger"... cold feet. He sounds a lot like my husband, who if he has something set in his mind, changing it really freaks him out (actually, he did pretty much this same thing when we got married, and his deployment screwed with our "plan"). That's just the kind of person he is-- he's very rigid.

It may not mean he's not ready, it's hard to say without knowing you guys personally. Guys never respond well to ultimatums, either... it puts them on the defensive and may make him do the opposite of what you want just to assert himself.

Rather than talk to us here, talk to him. Really, really talk to him. This is one of those conversations that needs to last a long time, with total dedication from both of you. Figure out the source of the anxiety. If he can't be honest and have an open conversation, THEN it's time to re-evaluate.
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Old 01-10-2013, 11:15 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I think it all depends on whether he felt pressured to get engaged? Only you really know.

If he's scared about marriage and is being honest about his fears, then acknowledging and appreciating that is more beneficial to the relationship for both concerned.

You want a marriage based on mutual, not on ultimatums - if he married you because you gave him a deadline or the threat of leaving hurried his decision, you would never be confident about your marriage, and he may end up very resentful...this rarely works out.

By his admission, you should shelve the plans, say O.K. lets work on us a bit longer without the pressure...You may find he is drifting from you and this pass will allow him to part ways...May also find, that by taking the pressure off and not talking about the plans, as though he never proposed...he may just up and say...let's do this!

either way, best in the long run for both...25 for guys is really young...

Try counselling first, you may even find you are marrying him because you are in love with the idea of it...unless you feel he is your soulmate...however, do not take it personally IF he doesn't feel the same, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, you cannot force feelings and you cannot force marriage. But you can decide to leave if this isn't enough for you...ball is in your court...
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Old 01-10-2013, 11:17 AM   #16 (permalink)
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You should determine if it is the wedding plans that are causing anxiety or actually getting married. I hate planning big formal things, it really stresses me out. I got married at the courthouse, the judge couldn't have been any nicer. I did not want "showers" either.

If he does not want to get married, even in a courthouse, cut your losses now. Marriage is not for everyone. Is your boyfriend a little insecure? Does he just want a care taker and not an equal partner? You pay bills, you are getting your master's, maybe he was afraid once you graduate, your professionalism would attract other secure, intelligent men?
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Old 01-10-2013, 11:19 AM   #17 (permalink)
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From a complete outsider's point of view with little to no knowledge of your relationship, and only reading this post...

If after 5 years a guy didn't know if he was ready to marry me, I would re-evaluate my life. Is he really the one for me? Am I the one for him?

For some people, marriage is about having your best friend with you forever.
For some people, marriage is about stability, and not being alone.

Then, for some people, marriage is about being crazy, head over heels in love with your best friend, even after 30 years together. Many people deny the existence of a "soul mate" or being "crazy in love". My mom (one of the "stability/not being alone" people) told me and my boyfriend that after being married awhile, you realize marriage is not about being crazy in love, but about being compatible.

I don't believe that at all. My godfather just died on his 70th wedding anniversary. Him and my godmother were CRAZY in love, at 85 years old.

Don't settle for someone that doesn't love you the same way you love them.
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Old 01-10-2013, 11:31 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by x0emiroxy0x View Post
My mom (one of the "stability/not being alone" people) told me and my boyfriend that after being married awhile, you realize marriage is not about being crazy in love, but about being compatible.

I don't believe that at all. My godfather just died on his 70th wedding anniversary. Him and my godmother were CRAZY in love, at 85 years old.
They aren't mutually exclusive. You can be crazy in love, compatible and stable.

I won't pretend to give marriage advice as I've been married less than a month but I've been around the block. I spent 10+ years with someone who I was sure I would spend the rest of my life with but for some reason, after 10 years, he was never ready despite being engaged for a year. A couple of more years of back and forth after the broken engagement before I finally started focusing on me. Three years later, I did meet someone who I am very compatible with, crazy in love with and know we will have stability in each other no matter how crazy life is. And we threw our wedding together in 2 weeks.

Talk to your fiance. Spend some time and think about your thoughts, feelings and plans for the future and really consider if it's a fit.
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Old 01-10-2013, 11:32 AM   #19 (permalink)
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No - I don't think you are being unreasonable....

Better now to find out that he is not sure than 8 or 10 months from now.

Moving up an event by 3 months should not be an issue if he is committed. It is still 10 months away....what if this was August and you had committed to alot of plans and people committed to traveling and then he said he wasn't ready??? If he is not ready - he is not ready....

I think that it is better for both of you to step back and reassess your futures....and not living together will give him and you some space to reevaluate your commitment to the relationship.

Good luck!

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Old 01-10-2013, 12:46 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Hey everyone,

We talked a bit this morning..
He says he feels rushed (6 years is rushing??), and he's scared about kids afterwards..

He also said I never let him hang out with his friends (say what??)..

This all hit me out of the blue.. Hes been acting like this is what he wanted this whole time, and now I feel blind sighted..

I think he's very immature and scared of the responsibility of it all. Also, he's still working a part time job at a crummy place and I've got a really good job - he says he's living in my shadow..

Now I feel like the whole thing is tainted. Even if he agrees, it'll feel fake. But we have so much history together, it's hard to just let that all go.. But I don't know if he will ever be ready, and I don't want to continuing supporting someone (I pay all the bills except half of rent, I bailed him out with the IRS, and I pay for all the groceries, etc) who I might not end up with.

I get that he's afraid and he's young. But I'm scared also. I think I have a lot more to lose than him. Also, sometimes I wonder if we are on the same page in life. If we didn't live together, he'd still be living with his mom on his wages.. And he complains about his job constantly but has not applied anywhere..

I'm ready to grow up and be independent.. I want to buy my own house, etc. I don't want to do that with someone who I'm not married with. He says we are practically married as it is.. So why if it's so important to me, can he not do it if it's no big deal?

Now I'm feeling foolish and heartbroken. How could I be so blind? He acts like I'm being ridiculous.. But I feel like it shouldn't be like this. We should be excited about getting married. We shouldn't be almost breaking up over it..


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