How to get someone to see the big picture..

[gaia_bear]

I'm at a loss with my best friend, we've been friends since the first day of kingergarten and have experienced a lot of ups and downs together but lately I don't know how to help her.

Some background: She's been dating this "lowlife" of a guy off and on since she was 14. He's struggled with addiction and has been to rehab 2x. They have an adorable 3.5 year old, who's too smart for her own good. About a year ago he made the decision to start using again. In the past 6 months, he's stolen about 10K from her business (she runs a daycare) and has started bringing the drugs into her home.

She claims she has no fight left, it's easier to let him back in then to fight with him, he has a way with words and she's easily manipulated. I'm seeing her life slowly being destroyed and her spirit being crushed, it's heartbreaking but I don't know what to do, what to say....has anyone been here before?

[Gharrissc]

When she loses everything,that will make her level headed. Sometimes that's what it takes for some people to 'see'.

[gaia_bear]

Sadly, I think this is the only way for her to make changes as well. There's such a pattern developing in their relationship that it has to get worse, if that's possible before it gets better. I worry about her and her daughter's safety, drug dealers are ruthless.

[carmspack]

I don't know what regulations you have as far as running a daycare , in home. In Ontario to do so there are regulations as to the number of children per adult caretaker , background checks for criminal charges for owner and employees.

THIS "In the past 6 months, he's stolen about 10K from her business (she runs a daycare) and has started bringing the drugs into her home." is a big concern . Drugs may be within reach of the kids -- the man might have episodes of anger , irrational thinking , and bring in who knows what kind of other undesireable types , putting the kids in harms way .

If you know this to be a fact I would mention it to some authority , police or childrens aide -- this is a tinder box waiting for the match .

[gaia_bear]

It's a licensed day care w/ employees, inspections the whole nine yards. She runs it out of her house but is seperate from the living area, upstairs/downstairs type thing.

I've been toying around with calling social services but thought the last time she had him removed from the house (RCMP were involved so there's now a history established) that she had learned her lesson until I got woken up this morning but a text message that he's done it again. I guess I need to put my feelings aside and do what's best for her, then work on repairing the damage to our friendship that the phone call will ultimately make.

[kiya]

Unfortunately sometimes there's nothing you can do to convince someone to do something. If she has this guy around her daycare she could be at risk for loosing her business. My friend has a daycare in her home and she is always getting inspections and everything has to be right. Having someone with drugs in her home while she has a daycare business is just nuts. She should protect herself & get a restraining order to keep him away.

[billsharp]

Tell the daycare parents about the scum bag. They pull their kids, the business folds, your friend runs out of money, scumbag leaves her and the daughter alone, and they can make a fresh start--everyone wins.

Of course I'm being facetious, but your friend seriously has a duty to her clients to get that guy away from her daycare kids, permanently.

[GatorBytes]

Originally Posted by gaia_bear

It's a licensed day care w/ employees, inspections the whole nine yards. She runs it out of her house but is seperate from the living area, upstairs/downstairs type thing.

I've been toying around with calling social services but thought the last time she had him removed from the house (RCMP were involved so there's now a history established) that she had learned her lesson until I got woken up this morning but a text message that he's done it again. I guess I need to put my feelings aside and do what's best for her, then work on repairing the damage to our friendship that the phone call will ultimately make.

First of all, if you are turning to the forum for advice, you should be clearer about the circumstances - such as noted in blue - is he abusive? did he hit her again, or did he show up wasted in the wee hrs of the morning "again"?

The phone call you will ultimately make is NOT your call to make. Does this entail calling the respective authorities to pull her licence? b/c calling the cops is not yours as this has nothing to do with you so I am assuming the former (?)...or are you calling her to tell of your intentions IF she doesn't smarten up?

Here's the scenario playing out in my head - you make the call - drugs are found in her house, she looses her home, her daughter, her business, her income, the guy - goes to jail if drugs are found...she hits rock bottom - do you think you can repair that damage...do you think she will care about your friendship and one day thank you for showing her the light.

There is usually a reason someone cannot let go of that type of person - they are of like minds - can't beat 'em, join 'em....is she using perhaps on a lesser degree? or of diff. substance, but he brings to the table? perhaps she isn't giving full disclosure?

I had friend who always cried wolf about her BF's - she was a raging alcoholic and abused them, cheated, stood them up and when they retaliated she boo hoo'd to me about how bad they were. She stood me up too many times to count. As I saw a pattern I just listened, stopped trying to console her - when she left her new puppy and her 10 yr old grandson (she was his guardian )alone while she went to a patio one sunny afternoon for a "couple" picked up a man and spent the NIGHT on his boat ignoring her cell phone as her grandson called and called - she returned home to find him gone (his father had come and got him - his father is a junky which is why she has custody) he layed into her and she called me to try to feel better about what she had done - I couldn't. I told her - YOU Ef'd up big time and I cannot help you, I have nothing to add to make you feel better about yourself.

fast forward a couple months - she was supposed to come over to visit me around noon - my father was on his death bed, I needed a friend - she went to the bar instead, wouldn't answer her cell. My father died at 5pm, I got the call - I was alone. She never apologized and went on to stand me up one more time a couple weeks later - 4 days she wouldn't take my calls, she then called to bitch about her boyfriend - I told her to never call me again - that was 4 yrs ago. It still hurts to this day how she betrayed me. Now she is "sick" she is an alcoholic, but to what extent could I support her choices when those choices devastated me.

If your friend is not listening to you and you cannot condone or respect her for her choices - you can do two things...
1) you can take her to get counselling - such as meetings for family's of addicts (like alcoholic annoymous - there is groups for family members who are live with alcoholics)...you can also bring here to see a social worker or other, who can help her through her addiction to this man adn get to the root issue as to why she cannot let go and build her self estem to do so - Cognative Behavioural Therapy...
2) You can tell her, that you are still her friend, but you cannot be the go to person any longer and that she needs to go get help and then turn off your phone.

Sorry this was so long

[carmspack]

You are a very good friend. I think the parents of those kids would be horrified to know what was going on in the living portions of the house. It just takes one desparate , lunatic guy to do irreperable damage -- some guy needing something or a debt that is unpaid.
Since the RCMP , the "local" force in New Brunswick have a prior history with this guy, that shows that he cannot control himself , getting into risky territory , and not about to change his ways. For his own good he needs to be removed and put into rehab , so that he has some semblance of life for himself.
Do what you have to do. You would never forgive yourself if something happened.

[gaia_bear]

Originally Posted by GatorBytes

First of all, if you are turning to the forum for advice, you should be clearer about the circumstances - such as noted in blue - is he abusive? did he hit her again, or did he show up wasted in the wee hrs of the morning "again"?

The phone call you will ultimately make is NOT your call to make. Does this entail calling the respective authorities to pull her licence? b/c calling the cops is not yours as this has nothing to do with you so I am assuming the former (?)...or are you calling her to tell of your intentions IF she doesn't smarten up?

Here's the scenario playing out in my head - you make the call - drugs are found in her house, she looses her home, her daughter, her business, her income, the guy - goes to jail if drugs are found...she hits rock bottom - do you think you can repair that damage...do you think she will care about your friendship and one day thank you for showing her the light.

Sorry this was so long

The bolded is the only thing I'm concerned about her losing, everything else is material and can be replaced, she doesn't own her house it's a rental. She has a fantastic support system behind her if they knew what was going on and she wouldn't be at rock bottom financially very long. She knows it's coming, I've told her I would not hestitate to make any phone call when the situation gets to be too much.

He's a crack head, he's stealing from her, her business - disappearing at night showing up randomly when he's running out of money. I'm not aware of him being abusive, mentally and emotionally, yes but not physically at least not yet. Sorry I should have been more clear. He was clean for 5 years and something happened last winter and he started using again, went thru a 90 day rehab/detox in the fall. She's not using or even dabbling, her boyfriend has always had a certain allure to her and he's a very very manipulative person but I do agree she needs to get some sort of help for her addiction to him. For some reason she feels responisble for his actions, there's always a way to twist back the blame onto her in his eyes.

It may have nothing to do with me but I have a duty as a citizen and even more as a friend to reach out to some sort of agency when I'm receiving messages stating that she's scared and doesn't know what he's going to do, the poor girl sleeps with a baseball bat most nights because she's not sure who may stumble thru her door be it the sober boyfriend or the angry one because she's once again hid her safe in a different place of the house. Even without me making any phone call, she's going to hit rock bottom without some sort of intervention as she's barely staying a float as it is.

You're right if something happens to her or her child, I will never forgive myself. I've been trying to help her for the past 6 months, I've gone to NA and AA meetings with her 2-3 nights a week, she's been in counselling but they are private sessions and it's hard to say exactly how much is being shared. She's ashamed to turn to anyone else for help so I will never not be there. I'm reaching out in hopes that there's something I can do before turning to the authorities.