I need some unbiased advice on a family matter...

[evybear15]

I have a bit of a tricky situation with my brother, and I could really use some outside advice from people who are fairly unbiased toward either one of us, because I have no idea what to do.

He's dating someone who I just cannot bring myself to approve of. He dated her waaayyy back when he was 17 and she was in her 20s. She was married at the time. They ended up splitting and she stayed with her husband. She had a kid - she told me about 6 years that she's not sure if one of the kids is her husband's...or my brother's.

Now, they weren't friends any more at that point. The two of us were not/are not friends either, but I somehow found myself out to dinner with her because we were out somewhere and no one else wanted to go get food. So I went with her. She dropped that little bomb on me. As my brother was not friends with her, I didn't feel the need to burden him with that news.I should not be the one to break it to him - she should, if she wanted him to know. She does not, and nor does her now ex-husband want to get anything tested.

They're dating again. When he first told me, he asked if it was a bad idea, since not that long before then he said that she was one of the biggest mistakes that he had made in his life. I said yes. At that point, he needed to know why. I told him.

He knows that I don't approve of this relationship for that reason, and that I'm not a fan of her because of the position that she put me in. I flat out told him that I would give her a chance, but that I would NOT be the one to be making the effort to make her feel welcome. I'm not mean to her. I'm not rude. I simply don't really speak to her. If she were to speak to me, I would carry on the conversation. But she doesn't. She doesn't say hello, she doesn't ask how I am, say goodbye when leaving...nothing.

I don't know what to do. My family's telling me I need to be more welcoming...but I don't see her making any effort with me. Only my mother, my fiance, a close friend, myself, and my brother know about the kid (as far as I'm aware). My brother has had the nerve to tell my friends that I have no reason to dislike her and that I simply have a chip on my shoulder. It hurts. It makes me angry. I respected his privacy and have not told anyone that we know. I just...I don't know what to do. She makes zero effort with me, and now I'm being made into the bad guy.

Any tips? Advice? Words of wisdom? I'm at a loss. Sorry for the lengthy post...

[middleofnowhere]

I don't understand why SHE upsets you. She confided in you with information you found upsetting but you have no reason to suspect that it was done to upset you. If I were you I would be upset with the brother. But you have told him that you didn't like her because she didn't know who fathered her child and it might be him. That seems kind of flimsy. For me it would be that she was messing with two guys at once and I would be concerned that she would do it again (someone is apt to get hurt in this scene). However, your brother knows that. He chooses to date her and disregard your opinion. You obliged when he asked. Now it's time to let it go.
You cannot live his life for him and showing resentment toward someone he is dating is not going to get you any points with anyone.

[msvette2u]

If people disapprove, it'll just make him that more determined to "make it work".
I tell myself this over and over when I think of my almost-17yr. old daughter and her scuzz bf

Oh, and yes, he's your family, it's whom he's chosen, even if against everyone's better judgement, but until he realizes it's a mistake, it's not going to help, your being cold and distant with her.

Plus, heaven forbid it not work out, they'll blame you for it not working.
So put on your nicey smile and "fake it until you make it" (to borrow a phrase).

[Freestep]

Do what I do with family members that irritate me, and just pretend they don't exist. They likely won't be together for very long, so I'm sure the problem will resolve itself.

[Jax08]

You don't get in the middle of relationships unless there is abuse going on and you can help the person. Otherwise its' MYOB or it almost ALWAYS comes back to bite you in the ass.

Be supportive, be available, be a sister...but don't butt in and don't get an attitude for your own sake. He's an adult and has to make his own decisions.

[evybear15]

Oh, I'm not trying to stop him from dating her, or being rude to her. Distant...yes, I am guilty of that, I will freely admit. But it's difficult for me to be warm and fuzzy toward her when she's barely even polite to my family - not even talking about me, here. She's left without saying anything, only really converses when spoken to, etc.

I will do my best to be less defensive/distant when around her, even if it means plastering a fake smile onto my face. I honestly do appreciate any and all advice. I'm not trying to make his life difficult, even if I do feel that he's making a big mistake. I DO want him to stop telling people that I have a chip on my shoulder for no reason as I have kept the whole kid thing under wraps out of respect for him.

He was previously engaged to another girl and it all collapsed in a big, huge, ugly mess when he realized that she had been cheating on him for a very, very long time. He was a mess. We helped to pick him back up. I just truly don't want to see anything like that happen to him again. I have a hard time being accepting of someone who I feel is going to be a mistake in the end. I kept my mouth shut and plastered a smile on my face the last time, and it was horrible. I wish I had been more open with him with that.

I HAVE, however, been honest that if he chooses to make this a serious relationship, he has to remember that she has three children. Regardless of whether or not the one is his...they're a part of her life, and he cannot consider this a relationship without factoring them into any long-term plans if he chooses to make this something more serious. Currently, he comes across as having the attitude that it can be kept separate since they have a relationship with their dad. I guess it's just an accumulation of many different little things, and I'm worried it will all crash and burn.

Please pass on any further advice, and in the meantime...I'll try to be more open and less distant.

[Liesje]

I thought all my brother's GFs were whiney, clingy, spoiled bimbos but never said a word. Finally he got an awesome GF and my entire family loved her. I think my mom spent more time with her than she does with me! They are separated right now but everyone is hoping things work out. Either way, I agree with Freestep... I just ignore what I don't agree with.

[Jax08]

It's not easy to be nice when you don't care for someone and worse, when you don't trust them. It always makes me feel like a terrible hypocrite.

Maybe she senses that with your family and is uncomfortable? Maybe that is why she doesn't engage when she is there? Try taking the first step and including her in the conversation or the event.

[evybear15]

That's possible... and maybe she's just not very comfortable talking to people she doesn't know in general? She's been awkward around other people I know, as well.

Step 1: I've offered to make the quiche for tomorrow vegetarian and just have bacon as a side dish if they wish to join us for breakfast. That way, if they wish to come...the meal would be acceptable for her.

We'll see how it all goes. I just really don't want to see him get hurt, and he sees my worrying as being rude/mean/arrogant. It's frustrating. He can be a bit dense at times. He knew that I'd be pretty hesitant with future girlfriends after his last experience, and he knew that this one would be..well..difficult for the family to be terribly open to. Who knows.

[Good_Karma]

I understand the need to be protective of your brother, but it's his life and if he's choosing to be with someone, you need to accept it as long as he is happy. I think you should try to forgive her for any past mistakes. Your brother obviously has. You don't have to be her best friend, but I think you should give her another chance. It feels good to let go of old angers. She might be a little scared of you (afraid that you dislike her), and that's why she doesn't initiate conversation.