I'm a fear biter...

[LoveEcho]

So, I'm up all alone after an argument with the hubby in which I said some pretty nasty things... I feel awful, I love him more than anything and borderline kiss the ground he walks on, but lately I've been feeling cornered... Cue dog psychology. Out trainer once told me that without work and supervision, he was afraid Echo would become a fear biter. I never really understood it fully until now. I don't really know what the point of this is, just that living in a very isolated place while trying to deal with this stuff sucks. *cue tiny violin* anybody got any advice?

[arycrest]

Originally Posted by LoveEcho

So, I'm up all alone after an argument with the hubby in which I said some pretty nasty things... I feel awful, I love him more than anything and borderline kiss the ground he walks on, but lately I've been feeling cornered... Cue dog psychology. Out trainer once told me that without work and supervision, he was afraid Echo would become a fear biter. I never really understood it fully until now. I don't really know what the point of this is, just that living in a very isolated place while trying to deal with this stuff sucks. *cue tiny violin* anybody got any advice?

sorry to hear you're having problems. My Echo had hereditary shyness and was definitely a potential fear bitter. We resolved the problem with a LOT of hard work, obedience lessons were the key to giving him confidence. It wasn't easy but well worth the effort. I was lucky and was living in the DC area at the time, joined four different obedience clubs and went to class almost every night after work.

[amaris]

Not sure if you're asking for relationship advice or dog advice :P

But i've had fights with an SO where i've said some really terrible things, i've learnt to count to 10 first, and be firm with him but not passive agressive....oh and like with dogs, deal with issues before they become issues...talk about things before you start feeling cornered....tht has helped me and SO a lot...and same way you talk to breeders and trainers, be honest with your issues, don't settle for less thn what you want, unless of course a compromise can be reached where both are happy

and if you're asking for dog behavior help...i'm still waiting for my gsd so....no help here...just lots of good thoughts

[LoveEcho]

I feel so silly lately...I noticed that I've been getting irrationally defensive, and it's getting worse, probably because I feel like I'm not being heard. Living with someone with a drinking problem who refuses to quit drinking, opting to try (unsuccessfully) to "control" it, is territory I have no idea how to navigate. I also feel silly venting about it on here, but I live in a very tiny town in the middle of nowhere where I don't know anybody, and don't have anyone else to vent to at 1 AM He reacts in a very childish manner sometimes, and I'm not so good at not responding to that and keeping my cool... does the count to ten thing really work?

[doggiedad]

find a trainer or behaviourist to work with dog.
i think the only person that can help a drunk
is the drunk himself. i became homeless behind
drinking and drugs. then one day i said i don't want
to be this way anymore. i stopped/cut back
on the drinking. then i found a beautiful relationship.
i put the relationship to the test but i finally decided
the relationship and all that comes with it is worth
more than the bottle and the drugs. can't say that
i stopped drinking totally (yet). within the last 3 weeks
i've had 1 beer. what really had such an impact on my drinking
was my GF. she fought for me (not physically). one day she
expressed how much i meant to her and how much she loves
our relationship and me when i'm not drunk. when i heard that
it was goodbye bottle. if you really want your relationship
fight for it. your husband has to fight for it also. "inhale, reflect,
release". stay in your lane for now but you might have too
put on the turn signals and go around those that are moving too
slow.

[JakodaCD OA]

Sorry your having a tough time. It's hard when your in a small town without much for backup

Hang in there, your dog will always be there for you..Dogs don't judge and love uncondtionally.

[amaris]

A lot of meditation techniques involve counting back from 10 to 1...hypnosis involves counting back frm 10 to 1....even anesthesiologists make patients count back from 10-1 although that has more to do with ensuring you're really knocked out...preferably by the number 7 :P

I don't know, works for me, try it out. And from what i've learned, in general, getting mad at a guy (and i'm sure doggiedad can confirm this) does little in pushing him in the right direction. Firm talking, honest, open conversation and actually stating things in a more matter-of-fact way, like i assume his gf did with him...that tends to get to them more often thn angry words. Tell your SO why you want certain behaviors to stop and why they need to stop. Firm but gentle works best against childish responses :P (all IMHO)

[LoveEcho]

Originally Posted by doggiedad

find a trainer or behaviourist to work with dog.

I suppose I should clarify that for once, the dog is not the issue With much work with a trainer, Echo is confident, happy, and balanced. Wish I could say the same for me, though... I like your analogy of staying in my lane, though. I need to learn patience... I can't wait to be like my mother, who is incredibly "zen" about everything. And I'm so, so glad to have the dog...I think we're a lot alike, for better (and worse). It gets hard to keep perspective sometimes, because I married him knowing he was an alcoholic, but we were young and I always hoped he'd "outgrow" it. Now that the time is coming that we're building on our new property, hoping to have kids (although this is NOT an option until he's sober, which I've been explicitly clear about), and everything's changing so quickly, I feel like there's this giant clock just ticking away while we're stuck in this town with his party animal friends, perpetually in high school. Doggiedag-- I applaud your efforts, and thank you for sharing that. I too have had substance abuse issues when I was younger, and I think that's part of what's so frustrating, because I know he can sober up, he just has the wrong attitude. I need to take a minute each day when I get frustrated to think about the progress he HAS made.


Also, sorry if this is all TMI, the anonymity is just rather comforting. We communicate very well with every issue except this...it's a pride thing, which I get... it doesn't matter how calmly I try and talk to him about it (which I always try to do, I'm so, so non-confrontational), but he gets defensive, then I get defensive, and it just snowballs. I feel bad for the dog...I don't want to upset him, so I usually try to put him outside during arguments

[cta]

i'm going to go out on a limb here...i totally understand your frustration. trying to talk to somebody that is so defensive is incredibly maddening and i hate to say it, but really nothing will change unless he wants to make the change himself. i've been there...you feel like you're beating a dead horse and it's so frustrating. this type of scenario has put a huge wall between me and the person i went through it with. and once the situation turned around, the feelings did not. it's so hard to deal with something like this by yourself when you feel like you don't have anybody else to hear your side...it's so detrimental to keep all this to yourself...you stay inside your own head and rehash everything that's going on, which can make you feel even worse. you need to make sure you take care of yourself and your own feelings here too. while anonymity is very comforting, it's good you shared. you need an outlet too. try not to beat yourself up for snapping. i've learned to be more rational through the years and have made a conscious effort to communicate rather than get mad and blow up. even after years of trying to be more "zen" i totally lost it and blew my lid because of all the pent up frustration. it happens. one person can only take so much. i used to be very defensive too...turned out to be a side effect of a very bad relationship...it's not easy to change that, but it can be done as long as the person is aware of it.

[Mary&Stella]

Without making this too long winded, here is my story you can take from it what you want, I met my now ex husband when i was 16, and oh yes the signs were there, but I was soo in love. But after 27 years together and 20 of them married I wish I had kicked him to the curb sooner. A drinker will not stop for you, will not and I do beleive can not control the drinking for you they must do it for them selves and rarely will change until hitting rock bottom. I do not know how old you are or what other circumstances you find yourself in but if you are unhappy now, you will still be unhappy later, yes you can lern to get along with your problems and exsist, but that is no way to live. At the grand old age of 43 I had enough, marriage over and I never felt better. I hope you can find away to resolve your problem, please sooner rather than later, I so understand living with a drinker it can be really tough. If you have good friends listen to what they may say, but most of all trust your gut, you know in your heart of hearts how to deal with this.

I am now 50 happy and living half way around the world !!!