Need some advice!

[ladyfreckles]

I need some advice from the more experienced, older members on here about something. I don't want to give too many details on a public forum, so if you need more details to give me advice, ask.

I was wronged by somebody awhile back, and it turned into a huge thing.

Years ago, when my fiance and I had decided to try seeing different people, he got involved with a girl who had manipulated him by flirting and pretending to be serious about him (while she had a boyfriend) so she could get money. I know, it's his fault for lending that money in the first place. He's learned his lesson. That's not the problem. She was nuts. Two years after they had parted ways, she found me on a forum I joined. She had been there longer than me (I had no idea she was on there). She found out that I was with him, and was really angry that he had cut ties with her and refused to stay in contact. She proceeded to harass and verbally abuse him through any medium she could. She then had her boyfriend and friends run me out of the forum by accusing me of being there only to stalk and harass her.

I tried to explain it was a misunderstanding, but nobody would listen to me. It was very "high school". People didn't care about the truth, they just loved the drama.

And it was a LOT of drama. I didn't handle the situation as well as I could/should have. There was a lot of slander, and I didn't react well to it. I made it worse. This feud actually lasted for months with the other side harassing me, and me snapping back at them because I didn't have the self control to just walk away. I wanted to defend myself. Eventually, I did walk away.

Flash forward one year. There has been no communication between that forum and I. They still talk about me. For some reason though, I can't stop thinking about it. I mean, this was a nasty dispute. I had people calling me fat, stalking me to find my posts on other forums, criticizing everything I did, etc, for six months. They made me feel extremely insecure and then exploited my insecurities. I was really hurt by the whole thing.

What really has me stuck though, is her. I can't seem to get over how somebody as mean as her managed to rally those people against me. I felt like the whole thing was my fault. I became obsessed with comparing myself, even though I knew that I shouldn't compare. And I KNOW it's easy to say, "well just don't compare yourself, you're better than that" but the thoughts just creep into my head and I don't know what to do. I want to stop thinking about it. But nothing seems to work. Sometimes I try to distract myself but then it feels like I'm just burying issues that need to be worked on.

I don't know how I can work on this and I'm desperate to find any advice from older, more experienced people. Heck, even younger, more experienced people would be nice. I just want to know how to get over this. Thanks.

[Lilie]

I have to ask...why does it matter to you? It's all in the rearview mirror. The only influence it has on your life this moment is what you allow it to. Turn the page, that chapter is over.

I know it's easier said then done, but by reliving it over and over, she had done exactly what she has set out to do. Why let her keep winning?

Go get an old stuffed animal. Let that stuffed animal represent the entire affair. Then destroy the toy....burn it...tear it up...which ever is safest thing for you to do. Wash your hands and leave it behind you.

[Jax08]

I think first, you have to learn that you can not control how others treat a person. Anyone who stalks a person in any way is NOT mentally stable. They are manipulative people who tend to gather people who can't think for themselves. You have to learn to say "their problems are not MY problem" My sister's line is "this is not my karma".

Second, you need to work on your own self esteem. Do you feel you need to see a counselor? It's always good to talk to someone outside the situation. Find something to help build your confidence. What do YOU want to change about yourself? Not what others are harrassing you over, but something you want to change...and work on that.

How old are you? Young, right? 20ish? I think part of walking away from crazies come with age. Do you treat people like they treated you? My guess is NOT. Learn that you can only go forward, take the lessons you learned from this terrible treatment, and make sure you never treat another living being like you were treated.

Have you contacted the owner of this forum they are harrassing you on? Perhaps the owner/admin can put a stop to it.

If she is slandering you, harrassing you and your boyfriend, in a threatening manner or in a way that harms your reputation, I might consider consulting a lawyer to see what laws are on your side.

[katieliz]

this sounds as tho it may be something you can't get over without professional help. oftentimes when you're "stuck", some sessions with an experienced and competent therapist are invaluable. and it can drastically shorten the time it takes to work something out in your own head. would that be a possibility for you?

[Stevenzachsmom]

You admit you should have walked away sooner and yes, that can be very hard to do. We ALL have made that mistake. But you DID walk away and that is huge. Good for you. I think it will take time. In my experience, the people that can hurt me the most are the people I truly care about. You don't care about these people. They are nothing to you. I know it is still painful, but letting them hurt you means they win.

Try to involve yourself in something that will keep you really busy and motivated. A hobby, club, exercise, yoga. Meet new people who will appreciate who you are. If you are physically tired and your mind is focused on other things, there won't be room for these bad memories.

Big hugs!!!
Jan

[GSDolch]

I use to be alot like you. I let things get to me WAY to much. It was not easy to change, especially when self esteem is an issue. It took some time, but I learned to focus on myself, and not them. "They are just names on the internet".

I found that meditation helped alot, doing relaxing things and realizing that the internet, despite what people think, is really just a very small population of people. You can gather some great information online, you can even make some wonderful friends if it gets to that (I've made a few that are now good friends IRL). Its easy for people to hide behind a screen name, its easy for them to say things they normally would not say to someone to their face. Its easy for them to not think and follow the crowd.

Talking to someone might help, you might find there are some deeper issues, or it will help you to learn to truly walk away. Some of it comes with age and experience too. My ex FIL use to say "Don't sweat the small stuff, and remember, its all small stuff". At the time of course I didn't buy into it, but as I get older I am starting to take more of that approach. I don't care much what people think anymore.

Deep breaths, and one day at a time.

[doggiedad]

you could act like an adult and leave
the childish drama behind you, be above it,
move on.

[holland]

I was in a couple of clubs felt that it just didn't go well and probably part of it was my fault-and I walked away but run into them from time to time and its uncomfortable for me-but have gotten involved with lots of other things and its all a lot less important to me now that it was then-(I'd still rather not see them though...lol)

[Freestep]

Originally Posted by Jax08

If she is slandering you, harrassing you and your boyfriend, in a threatening manner or in a way that harms your reputation, I might consider consulting a lawyer to see what laws are on your side.

This.

However, if you aren't being genuinely threatened, slandered, or stalked, just let it go and move forward.

It is, as you said, a bunch of high school drama--you are barely out of high school yourself, so it's not surprising that you're still dealing with that kind of garbage at this point. In six months, everyone will have found a new person to pick on and won't even think about you. And in twenty years, no one will remember anything about it.

I've had to deal with internet forum drama in the past, and it's just not worth my time to engage it. People are bored, frustrated, mad about something else in their lives, have low self-esteem themselves, etc etc and the internet is a handy place to vent it all because it's fairly anonymous. I know it seems like a huge deal now... but believe me, in 20 years, you'll just roll your eyes and laugh when you think about how dumb it all was.

[chelle]

Originally Posted by doggiedad

you could act like an adult and leave
the childish drama behind you, be above it,
move on.

This is girl stuff, doggiedad. You wouldn't understand.

Originally Posted by ladyfreckles

What really has me stuck though, is her. I can't seem to get over how somebody as mean as her managed to rally those people against me. I felt like the whole thing was my fault. I became obsessed with comparing myself, even though I knew that I shouldn't compare. And I KNOW it's easy to say, "well just don't compare yourself, you're better than that" but the thoughts just creep into my head and I don't know what to do. I want to stop thinking about it. But nothing seems to work. Sometimes I try to distract myself but then it feels like I'm just burying issues that need to be worked on.

I don't know how I can work on this and I'm desperate to find any advice from older, more experienced people. Heck, even younger, more experienced people would be nice. I just want to know how to get over this. Thanks.

Human beings manipulate. She apparently knows how to do that. Some people are quite clever in doing this.

Whole thing your fault? Sounds like it was both of you pushing and egging each other on. It takes two! So, what are you guilty of? Some ugly mudslinging? Who hasn't done that? She just happened to be a stronger mudslinger than you were and you got hurt. There's surely jealousy involved, probably on both sides since the bf is the common denominator. Jealousy is a wicked bitch. Wicked!

You DO need to move on. The thing is, this girl has waaay too much control over you and she's not even in your life. She hates you because she's jealous. You got the man. He cut her off for you. She hates that. You should have a crappy little witchy grin on your face because you actually "won" this one. You may have lost a battle along the way, but you won the war.

She doesn't matter. She's gone. Sure, she hurt you. Don't let her *continue* to hurt you by letting her occupy such a big space in your heart!

Who cares about a stupid Internet forum. If those are her friends, they aren't people who should matter one iota to you.

I've been thru a situation that I'm thinking of very specifically as I type all this out. It doesn't resemble yours so much, but it caused heartache I had to spend time getting over. I literally woke up one day upset that I had allowed that person to occupy my heart and mind and attitude. From that point on, when it came into my mind, I decided to change the way I "processed" it. That person doesn't matter. They're gone. They're an ass. They'll always be an ass. Thank goodness they're out of my life!!!!!!!!!