Can you give me some advice?

[catz]

Honestly I hate sharing personal information on forums but I'm lost and need help.
I have been helping a close friend through some personal problems recently. The friend in question suffers from depression and has strugged with suicidal thoughts. I was there as much as I could be but it was hard as I to struggle with depression. I took phone calls at 3am and comforted him, I really put myself out there because I wanted him to be ok but eventualy it was to much. He needed me to go with him to the doctor (we were hanging out almost every day so I could help him) and I just couldn't do it so I said no. We argued and I yelled at him when he turned up at the house and told him to never darken my doors again when many personal insults were thrown between us.
Its been two months since that incident but today I called him, met him in the pub and we talked everthing through. We are ok now and have forgiven each other but I asked him why the rest of our friends have been ignoring me. It turns out that most of the people I considered close mates have been speaking behind my back, telling lies and generally running my name into the ground even while he defended me. I am heartbroken by this news as I have moved around a lot through my life and this is the first time I actually thought I had made real friends. It feels like the group were just waiting for me to mess up so they could jump on me even though I have helped each of them idividually with problems.
Where should I go from here? They are the only people I know in this town and I have really struggled to meet anyone else outside of the group despite joining classes and activities. Should I put it down to they were just saying that stuff to support the friend I'd wronged? Should I seperate myself from them even if it means I will be alone?
Most of our mates told him not to meet with me as I was just trying to get back on friendly terms with them through him. I know I messed up but I have tried to be a good friend to them all, I didnt think the fight would ruin my reputation as a trustworthy person.
I just dont know what to do. I am hurting and feel very alone.
Any advice?

[DanielleOttoMom]

First off you are not alone. We are here for you. I hate that you feel alone. If you need anyone to talk to I'm here to talk. Even if its about the weather or what ever... You have reached out to your friend and fixed your issues applaud you for doing that. You can reach out the same way you did this friend and ask why they say mean things behind your back. I would see if it's worth mending those friendships. Some times things said from a second person can be twisted. Also are you talking with a counselor or life coach. Maybe they can help you with mending your personal issues and help get you back on a positive life path.

[catz]

Thank you for your reply. I have felt alone for a long time as I just cant seem to make friends and have moved 3 times in the last two years which obviously dosen't help.
I was in counselling for a year before I moved and it did help but I cant financially afford to see a counselor at the moment. My relationship problems are only half of the struggles as I haven't paid my bills in a while because I can get no work. When it rains it pours as they say.
I am glad I rectified my relationship with my friend but now everyone thinks there is a hidden agenda behind it. I would never mend a friendship just so I could worm my way back into a group, I would have appolgised sooner if that was the case.
I guess what hurts most is that I had a feeling something was wrong with other people in the group but when I asked they denied it so I didnt push the matter. Why couldn't they just have told me the problem (even if it was false) so that I could fix it.
I want friends, real friends but I cant seem to make any.

[65Champagne]

Catz...Take a deep breath Mate...let go of the emotion for a moment and lets adjust your paradigm. There is a concept called Karpman's triangle. Picture a triangle, on one point you have the rescuer, on another you have a persecutor, and on the third you have a victim. The theory goes that any time you get into one of these triangles, you will eventually occupy all three corners. Let's say my 5 yr old doesn't want to go to bed, I say, "Put your legos away and go to bed". He says, "No your are being mean," so I raise my voice to "Dad, level two", my wife chimes in and let the games begin. She says to me, "you don't have to raise your voice!", I tell her I got this one, and my five year old steps in to rescue me and says, "it's ok Mom, he didn't yell, you shouldn't be mean to daddy." See how everyone got to play all the roles? I used the family example on purpose, but I have worked with....many...CEO's and executive teams and found this same thing plays out over and over. Look back at your post..."I have been helping a close friend"..rescuer. "Never darken my doors"...persecutor. I am hurting and feel alone...victim. If you have moved around a lot, then you might not have seen this at play as much as someone who grew up in a small town and never left, but no big deal, let's fix it. Learn how to step out of these triangles, and better yet, try to avoid them all together. The first person not to occupy a corner effectively breaks the triangle (which by the way, is the shape used to build bridges, because it is the strongest) Take one side out, and it collapses. When someone tries to suck you back in with their "version" of the truth, simply say...Wow, that's tough, I wonder how you will deal with that. No one else is yours to fix but you. Let the rest make their decisions. BTW, I love Kilkenny (but driving there scares the *&%% out of me).

[DanielleOttoMom]

I have to agree with 65Champagne. Don't let others issues that are not your control bother you, let them make their "life decisions". I'm to human and some times let these things bother me too. I have to take a step back and remind my self this is not my control.

Are you involved in church? Or have a hobby that you highly enjoy?

[catz]

Thanks everyone. I have never heard of the Karpmans Triangle before and it makes perfect sense. Thank you for explaining it to me so well. I guess I have to just step out of this now as I have played all three parts and it has got me nowhere. My mum always said that I must have a dot on my forehead that draws people with issues to me
It may come down to the fact that I'm an insecure people pleaser and tend to go out of my way to help even when it comes back to bite me.
I am a little naive when it comes to relationships as I've never lived in one place long enough to come across theses problems.
At the moment I am studying an ECDL computer course so that takes up most of my time but I enjoy painting and caring for my pets. I was in art college for almost 3 years but decided it wasn't for me and ironically I am applying to study psychology next year which may mean another move. I will feel better once I'm back in college next year (sitting around in the house isn't helping) and busy but I still have to get through the next 6 months or so in Kilkenny.
Again thank you all for your advice, you are giving me much to think about!

[65Champagne]

Originally Posted by catz

Thanks everyone. I have never heard of the Karpmans Triangle before and it makes perfect sense. Thank you for explaining it to me so well. I guess I have to just step out of this now as I have played all three parts and it has got me nowhere. My mum always said that I must have a dot on my forehead that draws people with issues to me
It may come down to the fact that I'm an insecure people pleaser and tend to go out of my way to help even when it comes back to bite me.
I am a little naive when it comes to relationships as I've never lived in one place long enough to come across theses problems.
At the moment I am studying an ECDL computer course so that takes up most of my time but I enjoy painting and caring for my pets. I was in art college for almost 3 years but decided it wasn't for me and ironically I am applying to study psychology next year which may mean another move. I will feel better once I'm back in college next year (sitting around in the house isn't helping) and busy but I still have to get through the next 6 months or so in Kilkenny.
Again thank you all for your advice, you are giving me much to think about!

...no worries. Looks like you have chosen a path, which means you are half way there. I will share with you the best advice my father ever gave me... "Be willing to give all humanity the shirt off your back, but never loan your wife, your tools or your dog." (the order of wife, tools and dog would change with his mood). Huh, I haven't thought of that in years, I think I will add it to my signature line. Take care of yourself.