Am I over reacting?-- long vent

[amcipar]

I will set this up for you. My husband is 27 and I am 25. We have been married for 5 years but together for 10. When we got married I said I wanted to wait for 5 years before we start a family for financial and stability reasons. We have 2 dogs Rocko, a 4 year old boxer/bored collie and Sig, a 17 month old GSD. Sig is highly reactive (been working with a trainer for the last 6 months) since getting attacked by two dogs in a 5 day span while on our daily walks. We also have goats, chickens, and cats. In the last 1 and 1/2 years I have gotten into rescue. I am a foster parent and help pull and transport dogs.

We just found out the my SIL is pregnant with her 4th child. She has had 2 preterm deliverys. Which left her and her 2 children in the hospital for months at a time. After she had the 2nd child she was told in no uncertain terms to have another baby. Well along came number 3. She was on bedrest for 2 months prior to the premature birth of her son. He was in the NICU for 12 weeks. After his birth the doctor recommended tubal litigation because he was concerned her body or any upcoming child would be able to handle the pregnancy. Now she is pregnant with number 4. If this is what she choses I am happy for her and her family. I know she loves being a mother and I understand that this is what she wants.

Now onto my problem. My MIL is happy for her daughter and is more than thrilled to take over care of the 3 children already in the home. She told my husband today that we, meaning my husband and I, aren't having children so she has to take all the granchildren she can get from my SIL. She said that my SIL having babies is like us having our dogs (the more the merrier) and that we chose our dogs over having children. She also said that we have made our choice in life and have to "deal with it." Whatever that means. My husbands family is very Catholic and looks down on contraception. We have been married for 5 years and no kids, so that leaves them thinking the obvious. She has also said the we need to get rid of Sig if we would ever have children and there is no way that I can have dogs and babies. This is NOT an option for me. Much like a child Sig had no say in where he ended up in life. I committed to this dog reguardless of his issues. I do want to have children and we have recently started trying to begin our family but have chosen not to tell his family because of their feelings towards my dogs. I am deeply hurt that they have think I would never have children because I have dogs and have chosen to look down on my husband and I for deciding to wait to start a family. This is not the first time she has made remarks about us not having children and having dogs. It is however the first time she has outright said and slammed me for it. My MIL and I have had our issues over the years but have always been friendly towards each other. I feel at this point the attack on my character and how I choose to live my life is going to be more than I can handle. I fear I am going to "snap" and have a nasty confrontation with her.



Anywho, thank for reading this long vent/ramble. Please feel free to give your thoughts. The good, the bad, and the ugly.



Alicia

[Jax08]

hmm...i say we throw both out MIL's in an abandoned well, cover the hole and make a run for it.

Just out of curiousity, what did your husband say to her? Did 'we aren't in any rush to have kids...we're enjoying our life right now...we will when we're ready....how about minding your own business..come up in the conversation?

My MIL was screaming at me on the phone the other day and when I told her to stop screaming at me she hung up. DH, at the moment not known by the D, has yet to say a word to her and I told him that if she ever did it again I was going to knock her teeth out of her head. he took two steps back at that point. I don't ever want her in my house again and I'll be damned if I'm going to spend all day in the kitchen and sit across from her on the holidays at my table. I've been dealing with it for 20 years and am just way to old for psycho bat anymore.

Get a handle on it now or you'll be me in 15 years.

[amcipar]

He is very non confrontational and rarely says boo to anyone. I had banned my MIL from the house because she kept coming over at "inappropriate" moments and wondering why we weren't coming downstairs or answering the door. All I asked for was a phone call first, which started her disliking of me. I have said a few times that we have chosen to wait and will start a family when we are ready. The Catholic comes out in her and we are thumbing our noses at God because we are preventing the miracle of life. I love my life and the way things are, all of which I have told her. I don't blame you one bit for wanting to knock her teeth out, I would have said the same thing had she been screaming at me. Happy holidays, right??=)


Alicia

[Jax08]

YEE HAW!

[codmaster]

Hi! I know about in Law problems - having had a FIL who ignored me for about 20+ years (changed a lot much later when he came to live with us when we found he had an incurable cancer but that is another story).

Anyway don't blame you for getting upset about what she said.
But and don't take this the wrong way - will your dog be ok with kids IF and When you do decide yourselves to have one? BTW, we were warned big time when we had our son because we had an adult GSD. Many folks told us how jealous they were and we could never trust her. HAH! She was a great dog with our son as were all the other GSD's that we had as he was growing up.

Good luck with your decision!

[Jax08]

Actually, I went into DD's room to find out who she was yelling at. found out it was MIL and was going to yell at her for talking that way to her grandmohter. DD hands me the phone and this woman goes off on me like she has a clue what is going on. just screaming at me. I was so taken back that I couldn't really respond. I tried to stay calm but her mouth just kept going about something that wasn't even any of her business.

She needs to hear it from DH or she'll never stop. Apparently he isn't going to. It's terrible that he has to be in this position of the middle but I didn't put him there. Same for you...I feel your pain!

[angelas]

Wow. You have lots of time to have kids! MIL needs to understand that not everyone one wants to be a breeder @ 18 (or earlier). Women can do other things than have kids and be mothers.

Guess she's lucky I'm not her daughter. No kids, no DH or BF, no plans for any in the near future, and already 26 years old. Shoot, I'm almost old enough to be a grandmother and still don't have any of my own. (I have met a 30 year old grandmother, scary).

[Cassidy's Mom]

Originally Posted By: amciparShe told my husband today that we, meaning my husband and I, aren't having children so she has to take all the granchildren she can get from my SIL. She said that my SIL having babies is like us having our dogs (the more the merrier) and that we chose our dogs over having children.

If it were me, I guess I'd tell her that you've always planned to have children and you don't understand why she thought otherwise. I agree that it's probably best not to tell her that you've begun trying until you're sure you're pregnant, but I would tell her that your and your husband feel that having children is an important step in your lives and that together you've made the decision to wait until you both felt completely ready. You don't need to provide her with any further details about why you've made this decision or how long you planned to wait. I'd politely but firmly rebuff any further prying by telling her that it's between you and your husband and that you hope she will respect your decision. Period.

Quote:She has also said that we need to get rid of Sig if we would ever have children and there is no way that I can have dogs and babies. This is NOT an option for me.

Good for you - it shouldn't be an option! Again, I'd politely but firmly tell her that you will not be giving up your dog. End of story. Thank her for her concern, but make it clear that this is not up for discussion.

Quote:I am deeply hurt that they have think I would never have children because I have dogs and have chosen to look down on my husband and I for deciding to wait to start a family.

I think that's a pretty crappy way to treat her son and daughter in law. Many people choose not to have children (I'm one of them!) for very good reasons, all of which are none of anyone else's business. Many other people desperately want children but have fertility issues - for all she knows you've been trying to get pregnant all this time and haven't been able to conceive. How hurtful would that be to a couple who had been trying for years to be accused of not wanting kids.

She wants grandkids - great, she's got some. Even if you had chosen not to have kids at all rather than be responsible and delay starting a family until you were more financially secure, it's YOUR business, not hers. You have no obligation to provide her with grandkids at all, EVER.

Please try not to take this personally. It sounds like she's trying to lay a guilt trip on you, and it's working. Make it not work anymore by letting her bad attitude roll off your back and remaning upbeat and cheerful when she makes her snarky little comments, rather than letting her see much it hurts you. If she doesn't get the desired reaction she may just stop doing it. I also think that if it does persist your husband needs to deal with it since it's his mother, either by himself or with you at his side. I can't tell from your post if she's been making these comments to you in his presence or not, but if she's been doing it behind his back then he should let her know in no uncertain terms is he NOT okay with her treating his wife like that.

[amcipar]

Sig, would be fine with children. He was raised with 4 nieces and nephews. I would never put him or a child in the position that either could be hurt. It is my responsibility to maintain control of the situation and my dog. I completely understand why you would ask that though! I just don't understand why life has to be so difficult with in laws??? Can't we all just get along!! Jax, I would have been kicking some MIL booty for screaming at my child!!



Alicia

[GSDolch]

Im a mean evil person. I would have snapped back that we planned on having kids in the future but any kids that come out now wont have her for a grandmother.

The only family thats ever really *meant* anything to me has been my DH and my kids. Dont get me wrong, I love my parents, and DH's parents. But I can take 'em or leave 'em pretty easily.

I dont think you are over reacting at all.