I had a difficult day. I went in to see my professor. He said my proposal isn't ready so I can't advance which means I'll have to remain in my program another year. He said I've communication issues and even told me that my favorite professor said the same thing. That made me extremely uncomfortable.
I have this tendency to disappoint everyone that's good to me. My thesis was basically handed to me in a pretty little box and I'm unable to find the motivation to put the ribbon on it and deliver it. I especially watch my colleagues getting their act together (maybe it's out of necessity for money) and I feel so childish, lazy, unproductive. I can't figure out if my issues are psychological (which can be remediated) or a personality flaw (which basically means I shouldn't be on this earth).
I don't know what I'm looking for by posting here. Sadly I don't feel overwhelmed or anything. I simply came home and lied down on the carpet for like 5 hours. It had all been building up over summer (so even though I knew it was coming I frankly couldn't find the motivation or empathy to progress). And it feels like it came crashing down today.
I thought hard...I don't know if I should tell you this. But I thought hard about that gun in our safe. It sounds so silly. My worst fear is disappointing and yet that's all I seem to do and especially to the people who want to see me do well. But at the same time I can't care.
I don't know where to go from here so I walked away and am now attempting (I think?) to catch up on the silly little things that I need to catch up on and working my way up to the bigger things...maybe.
For those that feel my complaining and venting is suboptimal, stupid and unnecessary, I apologize. I don't know who else to talk to...