Tessa passed away last night
I don't know if i should be posting... I don't know if this is the right section for what I'm saying, etc. But my head is just spinning and I guess I need to get some words out.
Tessa died in her sleep last night sometime between 2am and 6am. I fell asleep sometime after 2, and I have a medication alarm that goes off at 6 am. I have this OCD thing, I've done it for as long as I can remember, where when my pets are sleeping I look to make sure they're breathing and if I don't see that fast enough I wake them up. So I said Tessa's name, and usually she'd shift her weight, lift her head and I'd hear her collar, etc. Sometimes she's sleeping too soundly and doesn't respond the first time. So I said her name louder, and nothing. Thats happened before too with the pets and I had to touch them. But I reached to where she was laying and she didn't move.. I grabbed her collar and jerked it... It was at that moment I knew. But I just kept jerking her collar...
Ok, fastforwarding before I become a complete mess again. I don't understand what happened. She was only 10. I had a vet appt for her monday because she had been acting like her stomach was upset, and completely refused food on wednesday and so thursday I called the vet. She also refused food last night. About 6 weeks ago she had an upset stomach, I was staying with my bf and she also seemed constipated so I was giving her gas x to see if that helped, milk as a laxative, and feeding pumpkin and egg. So I wasn't too concerned this time, but she wasn't walking much, or running/playing with Emma so I got scared. Then the complete food refusal so I decided to take her to the vet. I had no idea I should have been rushing her to the ER vet...
I feel like I failed her. Like I missed something. I should have gotten her to the vet sooner, 6 weeks back I was going back and forth debating the vet and then she got better.
Now the thing that sent my head reeling and why I needed to get the words out. I'm sitting in bed with my laptop and trying to distract myself, my head is pounding from the hours of sobbing... And I looked over to the blanket where Tessa had been laying and I saw BLOOD. Its not a lot of blood, it didn't soak through the blanket. The spot looks like it would have been directly under where she was laying, not like right where her mouth or tail was. My roommate moved her for me and I wasn't there so I hadn't noticed then. I don't understand what it means... What did I miss?!
I'm not sure what to do with her and I don't want to have to decide but I know I need to and fast. When Logan passed I wanted to cremate him but didn't have the money. He passed while I was at work and they buried him on the property of the riding stable. My roommate said he can bury Tessa here, but I'd have to decide fast due to the rain. Is the ground frozen? Another concern is the backyard here floods severely, so they've buried their cats on the side of the house up front to not be in the flooding.
Random... But like I said my mind is spinning. My roommate asked me where I wanted him to put Tessa in the garage, so I said I'd lay a blanket down and another blanket for him to cover her. When I went out there I couldn't just lay the blanket on the concrete floor. Its ridiculous but I grabbed this foam and put it down first and the blanket on top.
More mind spinning... My mom and I don't get along, there was abuse when I was growing up and she's just a selfish person. I haven't really talked to nearly 2 years because of opening myself up to her after her criticizing me for not doing so, and then her complete lack of reply after. I keep thinking of all the times my mom criticized me and said how I shouldn't have more than one dog, should rehome one of the dogs.... And thinking she'll be "happy" now that I've only got one dog. And I've been criticized by other family members saying similar in the past couple years because I've been struggling.
I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. Its still pretty early in the morning so my head is just reeling still and I don't know who to talk to.